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As has happened several times in the past, the shows with little intrigue end up surprisingly good. This doesn’t always happen, but having six total matches on the card will only help the performers tell a story in the ring instead of rushing things. And despite starting out perfectly in picks, a perfect 5-0 record was squandered by unforseen circumstances. I’m not going to whine and cry about it, so let’s get right to the results.

Bryan Danielson defeated The Miz and John Morrison in a Triple Threat Submissions Count Anywhere Match to retain the United States Championship

Quite a mouthful for that first match. They definitely picked the right match to start the show. This was a wicked affair, with tons of legitimate submission holds (instead of a dozen rest holds in between a real submission) and constant action between all three competitors. And what was great was that no one held a clear advantage throughout. Danielson even got some Cattle Mutilation in there, and I loved how weirded out Cole got when he heard it’s name. What was also nice was seeing Miz and Morrison expand their repertoires to include some fairly strong submissions. Seeing Morrison lock a Texas Cloverleaf on Miz was pretty awesome. I’ll give the devil his due: Miz was just as good in this match as Danielson and Morrison. He had some help from his carbon copy, Alex Riley, but thanks to some interference from an unassuming cameraman, Danielson put Miz in the LeBell Lock on the entrance ramp and secured the victory. I was very pleased with how this match went from start to finish. Definitely a match to watch if you get the chance. These three could continue their feud for a while longer and I wouldn’t mind at all, so long as we get more Triple Threat matches out of it.

Randy Orton defeated Sheamus in a Hell in a Cell match to retain the WWE Championship

Again, the right decision was made as to which Cell match went first. And I will again give the other devils their due: these two had a really good 20+ minute match. I think it was more me shutting out the commentators and just enjoying the match more than anything, because they tend to ruin matches with their ceaseless banter. I also think that Orton and Sheamus had to pull out all the stops after seeing the Triple Threat match and how awesome it was. The one issue I have with this match is the end. Instead of Orton building up to an RKO like he normally does, the match just kind of ended. Orton hit the RKO on the steel steps Sheamus had pulled into the ring (though it looked more like Orton took all the damage by landing back first on the steps and only a bit of Sheamus’ chest landing on the steps) and it was over. But aside from that, another good match. It was definitely (in my estimation) Sheamus’ best match, and if all of his matches were like this, maybe I wouldn’t be so harsh on his work. Truthfully, if every WWE PPV had the quality of matches that this one did, I’d probably not be so down on the company right now.

Side note: CHIKARA has released their latest shows on DVD, so if you haven’t already purchased them, I’d suggest you do so as soon as you finish reading this entry.

Edge defeated Jack Swagger

In a strange impromptu segment/match that also involved Alberto Del Rio, Edge proved that he is the Eric Young of the WWE. The guy has had more turns than a British roundabout. He was a heel last year, turned face as soon as he got injured, then turned heel shortly after his Wrestlemania match with Chris Jericho, and is now a face again during this ridiculous feud with the Raw GM, who I very cleverly deduced last week is none other than GLaDOS, the insane computer from the game Portal. Trust me, it explains everything. Anyway, a surprisingly fun little match with one very scary botch that appeared to be crossed signals: right near the end of the match, it looked as though Swagger was going for a dragon screw leg whip while holding Edge’s left leg while Edge was attempting an enziguiri. Edge landed awkwardly, and Swagger didn’t release Edge’s leg, causing it to twist in two directions simultaneously. Very scary. But I guess Edge is mostly okay, as there were no reports of a serious injury and he walked out of the arena on his own power. Let’s hope he isn’t hurt.

Wade Barrett defeated John Cena

Ah, the first match with an unexpected ending. When the rest of Nexus was discussing their plan that they’d never run by Barrett, I thought that they might end up causing the disqualification in favor of Barrett so that Cena would lose. But that was not to be, as the rest of the locker room poured out and drove off Nexus, while John Cena merely watched and did nothing to Barrett. I mentioned in my picks entry that I felt Cena was over the hill, ring-wise, but he mostly proved me wrong in this match. Now, if only he worked this well in every match. Barrett also finally showed me why everyone else seems so up on him. These two had a very strong match, but unfortunately, there was outside interference and Barrett won. Now, if you don’t want the identities of the two men who caused Cena to lose, TURN AWAY NOW! SPOILER ALERT! It was Husky Harris and Michael “Don’t Call Me Joe Hennig” McGillicutty. I would imagine that with everyone from season 2 of NXT besides Kaval having had no screen time since their season ended a month or so ago and several of them showing real promise (Harris among them), it may be time for Nexus to expand. Putting Harris on the team would provide the team with a fantastic young talent, and while McGillicutty is, somehow, entirely lacking in the promo department, you cannot discount his in-ring ability. They would make fine additions to Nexus while Darren Young is gone and Skip Sheffield is out with an injury. SPOILER ALERT OVER! So, with all that being said, Cena lost and will join Nexus. Though I would imagine he will not be subservient. Don’t be surprised if he does the same thing CM Punk did with the New Breed back in the old new ECW: tearing it apart from the inside. Cena is a cash cow, a money tree, and Vince would be a complete idiot to turn him heel, if only for monetary purposes.

Natalya defeated Michelle McCool via Disqualification; Michelle McCool retains the Unified Divas Championship

In what was becoming a fairly fun match, Layla had to go toss a shoe at Natalya to cause the DQ rather pathetically early. I was just getting into the match, and suddenly it was over. I should have expected as much from LayCool. Now we are treated to more of the utter revulsion their voices cause on a nightly basis. Joy of joys. Not that I was expecting Nattie to win. She is the best women wrestler on WWE programming, and she’s decent on the mic. But when it comes to women, Vince cares not about wrestling ability and all about physical appearance. It’s okay. When the Hart Dynasty gets future endeavored, they can all come work for my imaginary promotion, where everyone gets equal screen time and no one has to deal with Russo-Rific storylines and horrible workers who can’t string two moves together without requiring a 5 minute rest hold in between. Oh, if only I had the money…and the skills to run a business.

Kane defeated The Undertaker in a Hell in a Cell Match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

Damned Paul Bearer. He screwed me out of a 4-1 record. I knew that something weird was up when he wanted so badly to be inside the cell at the beginning of the match. But I couldn’t have predicted that to happen beforehand, so I just went with it and got screwed in the end. The whole ending spot was also very strange, with the lights going out and the thunder sound effects. Was that supposed to represent the Undertaker’s powers, or the power of the urn, or what exactly? Then Bearer opens the urn and a weird light shines in Taker’s face, which I initially thought had sapped Taker of his strength but apparently just temporarily blinded him, which allowed Kane to hit a chokeslam even after Taker had seemingly retained his sight, picking up the victory. And at the end, the urn is open and the light is shining directly in Kane’s face, yet he isn’t blinded. What the hell? I imagine that many fans at the show don’t have a clue what happened, and they were significantly further away from the action than anyone who watched the show through other means. I hope they try to explain this clusterfuck on Smackdown, because right now none of it makes any sense. Besides that ugliness, the match was pretty good. The deal with a match between these two is that they tell their story through facial expressions rather than big impactful moves and crazy spots. They set things out very carefully, and it pays off. It was a really good match up until the weird ending (seems to be a theme to this show).

So, all in all, I’d actually say that this was a good show, wrestling-wise. Six (mostly) high quality matches and very little backstage or in-ring promo work, which usually bogs down a match with a small card. I could almost recommend spending money to see this show, on DVD of course. Don’t spend $50 or $60 to see it on PPV. That’s just outrageous. If you want to spend $60 on a wrestling show, get CHIKARA’s King of Trios 2010 shows. Three shows, nearly 9 hours of ridiculously high-quality wrestling, and an appearance of Dragon Dragon. Trust me, it’s worth it. I swear, those guys and gals at CHIKARA need to stop having so many amazing shows, because I’m going to go broke buying their DVDs. Seriously, I feel like trying to get onto their roster just so I can have crappy matches and tell people not to buy the DVDs because I work a crappy match on it. They make the rest of the wrestling world look bad.

Okay, enough CHIKARA praise. I’m starting to sound like Michael Cole when The Miz is within 100 feet of the announcers’ table. Stay tuned for more entries in the never-ending battle between good wrestling and matches involving Drew McIntyre. Until next time, stay chill everyone!

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