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I agree, Mr. Sheik. This show was FAKING BULLSHEHT.

Okay, really just the last hour. But it completely overshadowed the previous hour and forty-five minutes, and ruined what to that point had been a pretty decent PPV. Let’s look at the slow burn to disaster that is Night of Champions.

Dolph Ziggler defeated Kofi Kingston to retain the Intercontinental Championship

They picked a good’un to start the PPV. The only really disappointing part of this match was about two minutes in, when Vickie Guerrero sent Kaitlyn out of the arena. In terms of character, Kaitlyn is my favorite competitor on NXT (which reminds me, I REALLY need to talk about NXT soon, before it gets canceled, which it will). And it doesn’t hurt that she’s ridiculously easy on the eyes. I’ll go ahead and stop being a sexist pig now. Lots of back and forth action, and a great build to the finish, with it seeming like Vickie was going to screw up Dolph’s chances, only for him to apparently be faking his anger and dropping Kofi with the Zig Zag to earn the pinfall victory. This match solidified Ziggler’s Intercontinental Championship reign, and will hopefully tie up any loose ends Kofi has in the mid-card so he can FINALLY move up to the main event in the next couple of months. Good opener.

The Big Show defeated CM Punk

Anyone who watched this match knows that it obviously did not go as planned. Big Show’s ribs were probably injured after Punk hit a slingshot somersault senton from inside the ring to a prone Show on the floor outside the ring. The match went about two minutes after that, and Show hit a Knockout Punch to abruptly end the match. I have no idea if this was the planned finish, but I find it tough to believe it after Punk’s promo and my picking him to win the match. But that’s how it goes with legitimate injuries: a match has to end quickly or you risk further injury. I applaud Show for trying his best to finish the match with a rib injury. Had he not gotten hurt, I bet this would have definitely gone on longer. It’s okay, though. It was still a decent four minute match.

Daniel Bryan Danielson defeated The Miz to become the NEW United States Champion!

This was the one match on the card I was praying I had picked incorrectly, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out I was wrong. I had honestly thought that they would battle again at Hell in a Cell, where Danielson would win the US Title, Miz would become nearly inconsolable, only to wait until the Raw Hell in a Cell match to jump out from nowhere, trip, fall head-first onto his briefcase, and get pinned by the WWE Champion to become the first man to NOT win a title after cashing in the Money in the Bank Briefcase. But it’s okay, because Bryan Danielson is now a Champion in WWE! Man, I did not expect to say that in 2010. It makes me so happy to see Vince finally give the fans (and the internet) something they actually want instead of something he THINKS we want. If I were to grade the matches on this PPV by how much I wanted a specific outcome, this would have been the match of the night. Hell, it was actually the second-best match of the night. Danielson can really work well with anyone, and he brought out the best in The Miz. I just wish Michael Cole would stop rationalizing Miz’s loss by making up idiotic excuses like, “Oh, Miz tripped and that allowed Bryan to slap on the LeBell Lock!” We get it, you’re trying to be a heel. But it doesn’t work when you’re a heel against one guy. It’s just irritating.

Speaking of Cole (I know I’m getting off track), how awesome is it that he’s leaving NXT? Sure, Vince is trying to destroy the show by having Cole constantly make fun of the entire show, but I still am happy that we’ll get a new play-by-play man to complement Josh Matthews. Can we see the return of Byron Saxton?

Also, props to Matt Striker for being in perfect Smark form during the show, informing the public of the origins of the LeBell Lock. Thank you, sir. Your talent is wasted on Smackdown, where you are censored and edited to the nth degree.

Michelle McCool defeated Melina in a Lumberjill Match to become the Unified Women’s Champion

God I hope WWE doesn’t call this the Unified Diva’s Championship, or just the Diva’s Championship. It says that on WWE.com, but I pray they call it the Women’s Championship still. Calling it the Diva’s Championship just shows us once again how Vince McMahon apparently feels about women. You thought I was a misogynist earlier? Vince is about a thousand times worse. Why in the hell would you have the Lumberjills dress up, some in semi-formal attire, for a match? You don’t see men in a Lumberjack match dressed in tuxedos (except the Bret Hart vs. Vince McMahon match at WM 26, but that shouldn’t count), so why have the women in high heels and dresses? At least have them dressed like they’re ready to compete. It isn’t like they’re any less lady-like when they have wrestling boots and shorts on instead of high heels and a miniskirt. It just looks silly. Anyway, the match was okay, but nothing special. And apparently the rift we saw on Smackdown between Michelle and Layla dissolved in a matter of seconds, as they were hugging and jumping up and down, celebrating Michelle’s victory, which she should never have had in the first place since Layla was the official Women’s Champion. That storyline still bothers me. Now we’ll probably get even more screen time wasted with LayCool’s utterly pointless promos. Not as pointless as the Teddy Long/Hornswoggle segments (doesn’t Teddy have a show to run?), but pretty pointless nonetheless.

Kane defeated The Undertaker to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

I’ll put it out there right now: Match of the Night for the Feud of the Year. This match wasn’t about doing the coolest moves or going sixteen straight hours, it was about emotion and internal strife. And these two pulled it off as well as anyone could. While it wasn’t quite as emotional as, say, Shawn Michaels vs. Ric Flair at WM 24, it was still fantastic in terms of character. Plus, Undertaker’s selling was top-notch again. These two didn’t have a wrestling match, they had a knock-down, drag-out fight. A brawl. And I was entertained from bell to bell. However, I do not believe this is the end. You cannot properly end a feud like this without a Hell in a Cell match. So you’d better book your seat on the couch, because in two weeks, be ready for the epic end to an amazing feud. I cannot wait.

“Dashing” Cody Rhodes and Drew McIntyre won a Tag Team Turmoil Match to become the NEW WWE Tag Team Champions

Here is where the show went to hell. I was okay with Tag Team Turmoil, though I would have been more interested if it was a four-team Tornado-style elimination match without the utterly random and pointless team of Evan Bourne and Mark Henry. Really? How did you come up with that pairing, Creative? You couldn’t, say, use Christian and MVP? Or John Morrison and R-Truth (Morrison had a dark match, so this selection is likely unreasonable)? I was okay with putting The Usos in there. I was not okay with Santino and Vlad Kozlov. They’ve done nothing but beat the Usos a couple of times on Superstars. Why not put the Dudebusters in there? Or Hawkins and Archer? Teams that are actually somewhat established? And also, WHY IN THE BLUE HELL WOULD YOU TAKE THE TAG TITLES OFF OF THE HART DYNASTY? What, did one of them piss you off somehow and you decided to retaliate by putting the titles on an undeserving lout like Drew McIntyre? Cody Rhodes I’m fine with, but he should be working up to an Intercontinental Title run, not be a Tag Team Champion. He’s done that three times already. I am so very angry and disappointed that the Hart Dynasty lost the titles so soon. It really sealed the deal for me that Vince truly does not give a shit about tag teams in his company. “Instead of keeping the titles on an established, well-liked team, let’s put the titles on two completely random names we drew from a hat and decided for no good reason to pair up, even though they’re both working in the singles division and have nothing in common besides being vaguely similar in age.” I’m betting that’s how the meeting went when they chose to put the Tag Team Titles on Rhodes and McIntyre. Thanks, Vince. You’ve ruined tag team wrestling. Now I have to go to CHIKARA exclusively for good tag team action.

Randy Orton defeated Sheamus, John Cena, Edge, Chris Jericho, and Wade Barrett to become the NEW WWE Champion

As bad as the Tag Team Turmoil match was, it didn’t hold a candle to this atrocity. Chris Jericho gets pinned not two minutes into the match, then the match stops for two more minutes while Jericho makes the slow walk up the ramp for the last time (or at least until he’s tired of touring with Fozzy). That was an abomination unto itself, eliminating Jericho so quickly. After some more time in which nothing of note happens, Edge, Cena, and Barrett are eliminated in succession, leaving Sheamus and Mr. Push-a-Lot. Sheamus hits the Bicycle Kick, Orton kicks out, Orton hits the RKO, new champion. Whoop de freaking do. It is no secret that I do not like Randy Orton. I do not understand why he is so over as a face. And I simply do not enjoy the fact that, no matter what happens, he ALWAYS comes out on top. He’s been in the main event so long, I’ve grown bored with his character. He just is not that interesting. Even Sheamus has a strange appearance, but that’s somewhat interesting. Randy Orton is dull. I could not care less about the WWE Championship when Orton is champion. I am certainly not looking forward to Miz taking the title away from Orton, either. Honestly, I expected Miz to cash in the Money in the Bank Briefcase at the PPV (seeing as how the show went on for five minutes after Orton made the final pinfall), but that was not to happen. We just get Orton celebrating on camera for FIVE GODDAMNED MINUTES. I don’t think The Undertaker got that much celebration time when he defeated Edge at the end of Wrestlemania 24. Yeesh.

So WWE is going to hell yet again, and there’s nothing we can do about it. Our only hope is that Daniel Bryan Danielson rises up the ranks quickly and wrests the WWE Championship from whatever boring persona holds the title. And that Kaval makes his way up the Smackdown roster and gains control of the World Heavyweight Championship. But now I’m delusional.

Okay, that’s enough focused rage for now. I’ll actually be back later this week with some NXT comments, and stay tuned for my ultimate roster’s first show. It’s an epic show, if I do say so myself. So, until then, stay fine and dandy everyone!

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