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Two days. Two days is all it’s taken to make me want to switch to watching nothing but indy promotions. I already don’t give a rat’s ass about TNA, and with what’s transpired from Sunday to today, I feel like giving up on Raw as well. The whole Nexus angle started off with a bang, but it’s fallen to a whimper. And with Raw in the books and the Summerslam main events already planned, I almost feel like it wouldn’t be worth watching Summerslam. Let’s go back to Sunday and review Money in the Bank first, then I’ll get to the ugliness known as Raw.

Smackdown Money in the Bank Ladder Match – Kane defeats Kofi Kingston, Christian, “Dashing” Cody Rhodes, Drew McIntyre, Dolph Ziggler, Matt Hardy, and The Big Show to win Money in the Bank

Best match on the card was the opener. Not a good sign. This was, by far, the longest match on the card at nearly 30 minutes, and there was no shortage of great spots. I do believe the spot of the match, however, was Kofi’s Boom Drop from the top of a ladder onto Drew McIntyre, who was laying prone on the Spanish announcer’s table. Vaguely reminiscent of Jeff Hardy’s antics when he was still with WWE. Also memorable was the seeming homage to the old ECW when everybody tossed a pile of ladders on Big Show when he was out on the floor. It reminded me of that infamous scene where the fans tossed probably a hundred chairs into the ring, covering…I think it was The Public Enemy. Yep. That was pretty cool. That, and the copious spots involving Show’s custom-built “Ladder for Giants.” Unfortunately, no ladders were broken during this match (except the one rung Show broke, but later in the night, actions raised my doubts about the legitimacy of this event). I suppose that was intentional, to keep everyone as healthy as possible for Summerslam. And as usual, I should have known better than to go with someone who logically should have won the briefcase and gone with who WWE Creative thinks is a good choice for winning. So, the next time a picks post comes around, I’ll smash myself in the head with a crowbar for about an hour and a half, spin around in a circle a thousand times, then stagger around and toss darts at a dartboard with random names on it. That should be similar to how a WWE Creative meeting goes. Or a TNA Creative meeting goes, for that matter. Look, I’m okay with Kane finally getting a World Title shot. But truthfully, there are other guys who deserve that shot just as much as he does. I’m looking at Christian in particular, and Kofi as well. Christian is one of the most over guys on Smackdown, and winning a World Title would finally solidify his place in WWE history. His two ECW Title reigns apparently mean nothing, as nobody cares to mention that ECW even existed from 2006 to 2010. Same goes for his two NWA World Title runs. But those were for a different company, and we all know how Vince views other companies. He doesn’t. And Kofi should have been main eventing eight months ago. But Randy Orton took care of that. Now Kofi’s again stuck in the mid-card, and I fear he’ll never escape it as long as there’s someone there who Vince thinks is better thank him. Whatever. What’s done is done. Maybe someday Christian and Kofi will get their main event runs. I certainly hope it’s sooner rather than later.

Alicia Fox defeats Eve Torres to retain the Diva’s Championship

I make a bold decision, and I get another wrong answer. I should have expected as much. I think the crowd was completely spent after the first match, so the rest of the show was almost utterly silent. Yeah, I’m not talking about this match specifically because there was nothing of note except Eve’s pretty sweet somersault senton off the second rope. She’s really getting better every week. Too bad she isn’t the champ anymore.

The Hart Dynasty defeats The Usos to retain the Unified Tag Team Championships

Second-best match of the night, for sure. Every time I say it, and every time I pray that Creative follows through: these teams can feud for years and I will never get tired of it. They have such fantastic chemistry together, and they’re both very accomplished teams. I hope we get a couple of intergender matches, too, as both Tamina and Nattie Neidhart can definitely mix it up with the guys. They are not meek little women like the rest of the women on WWE programming. WWE needs to put some actual competition into their women’s division. It’s so pathetic right now. I’d love to see Amazing Kong or Sara Del Ray or, hell, even Victoria in the ring to bust up some heads and make women’s wrestling entertaining instead of eye candy. Nattie and Tamina would fit in just fine, as would Beth Phoenix, Gail Kim, and maybe Eve. But the rest would have to go. Funny how I’m talking about the women’s division while I should be talking about the tag team match. Suffice to say that it was a fun match and that these teams should continue their feud for the next year or three.

Rey Mysterio defeats Jack Swagger to retain the World Heavyweight Championship, Kane cashes in Money in the Bank and defeats Rey Mysterio to become the NEW World Heavyweight Champion!

Phew, that was a mouthful. This match was decent, but only from Mysterio’s side. The man can work with literally anyone and make them look at worst halfway decent. Unfortunately, his latest World Title run was about three months less than his first run. Also, here’s an interesting factoid: from the creation of the World Heavyweight Championship in 2002 until 2006, there were ten World Champions. From 2006 until today, there have been twenty-eight World Champions. Isn’t that horrifying? That means that over the last four and a half years, the average World Title reign is just around two months in length. I guess I was right when I said that the era of the long title reign is over. There will probably never be another yearlong title run, and that makes me sad. Oh, there was a match? Right. Mysterio won despite a “torn ankle ligament,” only to lose to Kane, who cashed in his Money in the Bank briefcase he’d won about an hour prior. Let’s see someone top that. And so, Kane takes away the World Title from both Swagger and Mysterio. Can you say “Triple Threat Match at Summerslam?” Well, I certainly can. I was only expecting Kane to interfere in their match, not win Money in the Bank and cash it in. So in a very roundabout way I was right in that Kane got involved in the match, but beyond that, my picking skills were downright awful for this show.

Layla defeats Kelly Kelly to retain the WWE Women’s Championship

I don’t even care anymore.

Raw Money in the Bank Ladder Match – The Miz defeats Randy Orton, Chris Jericho, Edge, John Morrison, Mark Henry, Evan Bourne, and Ted DiBiase to win Money in the Bank

Sigh. With all the hype surrounding the Money in the Bank briefcase, I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that Miz will be the first guy to NOT win a World Title upon cashing in the Money in the Bank briefcase. It almost happened last night on Raw, but I’m still recapping the PPV, so wait a few minutes for my opinion on that. This match didn’t really feature as many high-flying antics as the Smackdown match, though it did have a Samson-esque spot where two ladders were (very obviously) set up to the right and left of the briefcase, and four or five guys all fighting on said ladders while reaching for the briefcase, only for Mark Henry to appear between the ladders and push them both away. That was a pretty cool spot that I called about three minutes prior to it actually happening. Also, if you’ll remember, earlier I mentioned the doubts raised about the supposed strength of the regular ladders during The Big Show’s ladder spot earlier in the night. Well, this match proved those doubts when Mark Henry climbed up the ladder with Evan Bourne clinging to his back and having no trouble with rungs breaking. For those of you who would like mathular proof: Big Show is billed at 485 pounds. Mark Henry is billed at 418, and Bourne at 183. So Henry and Bourne have a combined billed weight of 601 pounds, nearly 20% heavier than Show. Yet they had no trouble climbing a ladder, whereas Show broke the very first rung he stepped on. I know it’s all for show (no pun intended), but still, there needs to be some continuity between matches! If a ladder rung breaks when you put 485 pounds of pressure on it, then there’s no way it should hold when 600 pounds are placed on it. Nice job, Creative. It was an awesome spot, but the continuity issues ruined it for me. Anyway, there were moments were I actually believed Evan Bourne was going to win. Then he gets knocked off and Miz takes the briefcase for himself. I believe a while ago I made a comparison of getting built up and having your…ahem…pleasure…taken away at the last minute to that of getting a blowjob from a hooker who turns out to be a man, who then does unspeakable acts to you and leaves you bleeding from various orifices and broke. That’s kind of what this match felt like. We get the build up of Bourne being on the top of a ladder for what felt like forever, while getting multiple opportunities to take the briefcase down, only to have him fail and instead The Miz takes the briefcase down. Disappointing.

On a side note: this is addressed specifically to one Michael Cole, so anyone who isn’t Michael Cole doesn’t necessarily have to read this, but I would not be remiss if you did. Ahem…Dear Michael Cole, would you PLEASE STOP BEING MIZ’S BUTT-BOY. I am SICK and TIRED of you praising this man from pillar to post with seemingly NO actual reasons as to WHY you support him. The only reason I can think of as to why you are praising him so highly is because you allow him to put his penis into your anus on a nightly basis, and apparently, you find this incredibly enjoyable. As such, you tend to over-praise him despite his general lack of in-ring skill and overall lack of reasons for praise. If you would please go back to being the “impartial play-by-play announcer” that Raw so desperately needs since Vince decided that Jim Ross was to be a sacrificial lamb after being spotted at a UFC event, I would appreciate it. What I would appreciate more, however, is for you go leave this company and go die in a fire. Thank you. Sincerely, Rantables.

Wow, I think that was a touch scathing. NAH.

Sheamus defeats John Cena in a Steel Cage Nexus Interference Match to retain the WWE Championship

If you thought the Nexus was NOT going to interfere in this match, then you must have been lobotomized a little early. Seriously, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that Nexus would interfere and cost John Cena the title. It was a decent cage match, but it was marred by Sheamus’ utter inability to sell anything for more than five seconds and his general ineptitude within the ring. Nexus interference, blah blah, Sheamus wins.

And so ends a fairly uninteresting PPV. I went a disappointing 3-4 in picks, which guarantees that I am absolutely awful at picking gimmick matches.

But wait, there’s more!

If I was as good making my Money in the Bank picks as I was at predicting exactly what was going to happen on Raw, I probably would have gone 7-0. Seriously. As soon as the Triple Threat #1 Contender’s Match for the WWE Title was announced, I immediately said, “Orton, Edge, and Jericho.” And by golly if it wasn’t exactly that. See, this is where my problems for Raw started. I said not three days ago that none of these guys needed to be in Money in the Bank because they’re already in the main event and can get championship opportunities anytime they wanted. So why even bother putting them in the match when they’re guaranteed another shot the next night on Raw? Either put new faces in the Money in the Bank match or in the #1 Contenders’ match. You know what I would have liked to see for the #1 Contender’s Match? Randy Orton vs. Ted DiBiase vs. John Morrison. That would put two new faces in the main event picture and get Raw out of the stagnant swamp it’s currently stuck in. But no, “Creative” thinks it a great idea to just go ahead and put Edge and Jericho in the match, because they’re Edge and Jericho. And yes, I realize that Morrison and DiBiase were also in the MITB match the night before, but they honestly had no chance of winning. Why I picked Morrison to win, I still don’t know. Anyway, the laws of probability were correct yet again, and Randy Orton is ONCE AGAIN facing Sheamus for the WWE Title. Good god, how boring. We got that same match six months ago. Is WWE on repeats and not telling us? Because it certainly feels that way. It wasn’t a bad match, but it was predictable and uninspired. And afterward we get Edge and Jericho stating that “IT ALL ENDS TONIGHT,” that their eleven-year-feud is coming to an end, only to have Nexus show up and beat both of them down for no reason at all.

After an uneventful women’s match, we get Sheamus and Miz out talking about stuff, then the GM sends an email and states that Sheamus will take on “this man” right now! And once again, I correctly predicted that the mystery opponent would be Evan Bourne. It appeared as though this match was actually entirely unplanned, even for the wrestlers, as Bourne took a very long time to enter the arena and didn’t sem fully prepared for in-ring action, as he was taping up his wrists as he was walking down the entrance ramp. Either it was entirely unplanned, or Bourne is again showing his brilliance by acting unprepared for a match. Of course he lost, but Miz was at ringside, stroking his Money in the Bank briefcase like a Bond villain strokes a cat (which looked absolutely idiotic, by the way). And after the match, Miz cracked Sheamus over the head with the briefcase and hit the Skull-Crushing Filane on the briefcase. Miz was going to cash in Money in the Bank right then and there, but just before the bell rung, we get R-Truth’s music and a hobbled Truth sprinting down to the ring to foil Miz’s plans. So Miz pulls a Swagger and calls off the title shot. Now, what Truth SHOULD have done was wait until the match started and THEN interfered, so Miz couldn’t call off the match and lose the briefcase.

Also, before I go on, I would again like to address one Michael Cole. Dear “Mr.” Cole: would you PLEASE STOP saying, “And I quote” every time you “read” an “email” from the “anonymous GM.” We already know that you’re “reading” the “email,” so you don’t have to “tell” us that this is a “direct quote” from the “GM.” We know you aren’t going to “make stuff up,” as we know you’re too much of a “colossal dolt” to come up with “ideas” of your own. So please, “stop” “saying” “And I quote” when “conferring” the “GM’s” “decisions.” “Thank you.”

Jesus, he is annoying as all hells. Bring back JR and JBL! Where are those petitions? I’ll sign them a thousand times over.

After that, we get a pointless tag match whose only highlight was Santino using the Salute Headbutt made famous by Soldier Ant of Chikara, who is probably one of my favorite Chikara wrestlers. You want to talk about a guy who loves to salute…look no further than Soldier Ant! Speaking of Chikara, I’m seriously considering purchasing their most recent shows on DVD, as they both have Bryan Danielson working matches. I may do so soon, and give a review of those as well.

And, finally (thankfully), we get a pointless main event with Wade Barrett taking on…Mark Henry? Wha? It doesn’t matter. The whole match was a set-up for John Cena showing up with his “superteam” designed to take out Nexus for good. And who is on that team? We start with Edge. Everyone goes “BWAH?” Then, John Morrison, and people go, “Yeah, okay, that makes sense, I guess.” Then R-Truth, and people go, “Um…o…kay?” Then The Great Khali, and we go, “Ow, ow ow OW MY BRAIN WHY?” Then, Chris Jericho, and we go, “Wait, wasn’t he JUST feuding with Edge like two hours ago?” Then Bret Hart walks out and I cry and start throwing heavy items at my television. THIS is the superteam you’ve concocted to take out what Cole idiotically called “The Most Feared Group In WWE History!” Jesus Christ on a stick, guys. I may have to stop watching Raw. Cena’s superteam is just awful. After Edge and Jericho, you’ve got practically nothing. Morrison is a waste of time, Truth honestly has no business with Nexus that I remember, Khali is just ugh, and Bret Hart? Really? You actually want a 50+ year-old man on your team? Now, I don’t consider myself a head booker or anything, but if I was in charge, I’d do things a little differently. I’d take Truth and Khali out immediately and put Mark Henry and Evan Bourne in their place, and instead of Edge and Jericho, I’d put The Hart Dynasty. Then, at least, you’d have an all-face vs. all-heel battle. I get that Edge and Jericho were “betrayed” by Nexus earlier in the evening, but these two supposedly hate each other so much that they can’t be near one another without trying to beat each other to a pulp. At least, that’s what I thought. And wasn’t Bret Hart done with WWE a couple of months ago? Did Vince wave a giant pile of money under his nose to get him to come back for a couple more weeks? It’s like WWE is turning into TNA. And, to end the show, Cena’s team storms the ring and Nexus flees like the little girls they apparently are. Calling them “The Most Powerful and Feared Group in WWE History” sure makes you sound like a complete moron, now, Cole. You never cease to amaze me with your utter stupidity. Please die under a large pile of heavy boulders.

At least Smackdown has stayed relatively free of this cancerous storyline. Of course, if the “rookies” from season 2 of NXT decide to do the same thing on Smackdown as Nexus is doing on Raw, I might just stop watching WWE programming altogether. It’s just so awful right now.

And so ends another angry rant about the idiocy contained within WWE Creative and their horrendous storylines. I have a fantastic idea for my 100th post, so stay tuned for that. And I’ll probably start doing more “What-if?” posts and fantasy-style posts than angry weekly recap posts. Even though I’m sure the angry posts could probably garner more attention, I’m getting tired of just writing angry rants all the time. So stay tuned for my epic 100th post and maybe some more positive entries. Until next time, stay awesome.

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