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Okay…okay…okay…

Nope.  I can’t do it.  I can not stay calm after what went down at the Rumble yesterday.  There was too much bullshit going on throughout the night that I can’t give you an objective point of view for this show.  But you don’t come here to read objective points of view, do you?  You come here to listen to me rant and rave about the utter stupidities that plagues WWE Creative, and you love it that I, along with so many other IWC idiots out there love to bash a product that we supposedly enjoy watching.  Well, you’re getting an extra dose of subjectivity tonight, as we get not only a weak PPV, but we get one of the most predictable episodes of Raw in some time.

Let’s start with the Rumble.  You kind of had to figure that they were going to toss an extra match in there somewhere, with only five matches on the card.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s start with the ECW Championship match, which I have to admit was surprisingly decent.  I believe it went about 12 minutes, and despite Ahmed Johnson, Jr.’s seemingly complete lack of in-ring talent, Christian made it entertaining.  He’s the first person to ever make Ezekiel look truly clumsy and slow in the ring, dodging many of Zeke’s big power strikes.  But Christian sold his ass off when he did get hit.  But it was the dodging and avoidance of Zeke’s actions that made this match entertaining.  We finally saw how someone SHOULD take a guy like Zeke on: stick and move, hit and run, and for the love of god, don’t get caught with a LARIATO (thanks for yelling that, Striker; you nearly blew out my speakers).  I do think my favorite moment in the match was when Christian ducked a clothesline, only to get hit with one from behind and taking it like he got hit in the back of the head with a fire extinguisher.  It was just a fantastic spot.  However, the match, much like the Intercontinental Title match last Friday, just kind of ended.  Zeke was in control, then Christian hit the Unprettier out of nowhere, and that was it.  Now, I’m not a huge fan of the Unprettier.  I think it has one of the worst deliveries of any finishing maneuver: it has to be the easiest move to counter, since it ends up with Christian facing away from his opponent.  If he could just spin his opponent around more quickly like he did in the early days, it would seem more realistic.  But when you’ve got a guy like Ezekiel Jackson trying to block your finishing maneuver, and you turn away from him to try to connect with said finisher, it seems like a recipe for failure.  It’s the only thing that really bothered me about this match.  That, and the botched inverted DDT that Zeke fell too early for.  Other than that, a very decent way to start the show.

Next was our impromptu United States Title match, with Miz taking on MVP.  Unfortunately, as this was likely crammed in at the last minute, these guys didn’t have much time to plan out any neat spots, so the match was very standard for both guys.  It was essentially a television match on a PPV show.  Not a great showing for either man.  Miz, unsurprisingly, wins and retains his title.  Since this wasn’t a match that was announced beforehand, I’m not counting it in my picks, for which I’m one for one so far.

Next, we had the WWE Championship Match between Randy Orton and Sheamus.  I don’t know why people are starting to cheer for Randy Orton.  It’s as though all of those past indiscretions, like kicking every member of the McMahon family sans Linda in the head never happened.  I don’t get it.  Yes, I get the concept of a face turn.  But it just seems out of place for Orton, who just can’t seem to not look like a pedophile at all times.  Seriously, it creeps me out.  Anyway, this match was the brick of the night.  Good lord, it was boring.  It was like HHH/Orton at Wrestlemania 25 all over again.  Huh…I think I just realized something: Sheamus is the new HHH.  Wow.  I just blew my mind.  Also, heel vs. heel matches just don’t do it for me.  Nobody wants to root for either man, and both have the same agenda: of picking out a body part and wailing on it until the other guy gives up.  It was awkward at best, and it wasn’t at its best.  Definitely the match that could have not taken place and nobody would have noticed.

Oh, and a note for referee Scott Armstrong: when you see a guy who isn’t involved in the match blatantly cause outside interference, YOU RING THE GODDAMNED BELL!  You don’t stare at him and yell at him for having just interfered in the match; you ring the goddamned bell and call for the disqualification!  You don’t wait until Randy Orton has hit his finisher and is covering Sheamus, waiting for you to count the pinfall and THEN ring the bell for the DQ.  It made you look remarkably incompetent, even for you.  You’re a terrible referee and you should retire.

Okay.  Next was the Women’s Title match.  I’ll be completely honest here: I was skipping past Michelle McCool’s whatever she was doing, and apparently somewhere in between skips, Mickie James ran out and won the Women’s Title.  So you replaced this with the subpar US Title match, apparently.  Smooth move, guys.  Why couldn’t we have gotten Mickie to just go insane and crush Michelle like she used to do?  We just get Mickie’s finisher and that’s it.  After this long of a buildup of the worst angle since Vince McMahon’s “death,” you could have given the fans some more than a 10 second match followed by McCool and Layla getting a sheet cake tossed into their faces.  Not worth it at all.  Thanks for trying, but you lose.

If you’re keeping track at home, I’m one out of three in picks so far.

The Undertaker/Mysterio World Heavyweight Championship match was, in my humblest of opinions, the best match of the night.  Taker can work with pretty much anyone, and Mysterio makes anyone he faces look like a million bucks.  These two did a lot without doing too much.  There were some truly innovative counters that you simply could not do with anyone other than Rey Mysterio.  Things like kneeing Taker in the face to block a Tombstone attempt.  Who else would think to do that?  It was brilliant.  The two consecutive 619’s was also a great spot that had me cheering.  Overall, it was very entertaining without either of them really doing too much, seeing as how both are battling various injuries.  And with Taker’s win, it brings me to two correct picks and two incorrect picks.

Now, we get to the Royal Rumble match.  First thing’s first: I was utterly disturbed at the number of people who were eliminated in less than 90 seconds.  Seven competitors were tossed out in less time than it took for the next person to run down to the ring.  Here, I’ll even list them, in chronological order: JTG (By CM Punk), Zack Ryder (by Punk), The Miz (by MVP), Matt Hardy (by Kane), Shelton Benjamin (by John Cena), Yoshi Tatsu (by Cena), and Chris Masters (by Big Show).  Now, to be fair, I wasn’t expecting any of these guys to really win the match, but getting tossed out in under 90 seconds is kind of sad.  Also getting tossed out within a short period of time were Dolph Ziggler, Evan Bourne (the first two victims of CM Punk), The Great Khali, Beth Phoenix (who I absolutely marked out for and was cheering for her to win the whole thing after eliminating Khali), MVP (getting taken out by Miz on the entrance ramp and then sacrificing yourself to knock him out was truly a low point for him), Mark Henry and Big Show (who were both somehow eliminated by R-Truth), Jack Swagger, and Kofi Kingston (which was a huge disappointment for me, since I picked him to win).  So, with all of those taken out, we’re left with all the usual names: CM Punk (who was eliminated before entrant #10 arrived), HHH, Rhodes and Dibiase, Kane, Cena, HBK, Chris Jericho, Batista, and the surprise entrant, and the eventual winner: EDGE.  Unfortunately, WWE blew its load about 90 seconds too soon when they put him at the #29 slot instead of the #30 slot.  I guess they didn’t want the #30 slot to be associated with guys who are coming back from injury way, WAY too soon.  I was utterly disappointed that the final four participants were Cena, HBK, Batista, and Edge.  What happened to this so-called “youth movement” that the IWC smarks were touting when Sheamus won the WWE Title?

Get ready, everyone!  It’s Tangent Time!

I’ll tell you what happened to it.  IT NEVER EXISTED!  The only reasons Vince picked Sheamus out of all the other potential guys to become WWE Champion were: (1) he’s Irish, and (2) he looks like all the other muscleheads that Vince seems to have a hard-on for.  The internet fans showered Vince iwth praise for finally deviating from the usual pattern of Cena/Orton/HHH/Edge, but what they didn’t realize was that Sheamus is EXACTLY THE SAME.  Only with less talent and a chip on his shoulder the size of Antarctica.  The announcers keep shouting at us about how Sheamus winning was the most shocking moment in years, but it wasn’t, because Sheamus is being built to be the next HHH.  If they’d given the WWE Title to Evan Bourne, or Primo, or MV-goddamned-P, THEN we’d have a real shock, because it would mean that the fans were being heard.  This whole “youth movement” that was discussed a few months ago was probably just a planted story to get us, the Internet jerks, to gossip and question and wonder who would be the Next Big Star, and if Vince would actually follow through with it.  And when he did, we praised him.  Well, not me personally, because I thought it was a horrible decision and it’s only gotten worse, but many people said it was about time.  But nothing’s changed.  We’ve still gut a lunkhead for a WWE Champion, and he’s more boring than a Johnny Nitro promo.  So think about that, IWC, because you were played from Day One, and you’ll never be listened to, because until you start your own wrestling company, a sixty-four year old man with a hard-on for bodybuilders isn’t going to listen to you about who should be HIS world champion.  OKAY?

Okay.

Now that that’s over with, we can move on to the Elimination Chamber PPV in just three weeks.  Seeing as how the Raw Chamber match was set tonight, let’s look at the participants, shall we?  We’ve got Sheamus (duh), John Cena, Randy Orton, HHH, Ted Dibiase, and Kofi Kingston.

I’ll refer you back to the large tangential rant I just wrote.  NOTHING’S CHANGED!  You’ve got four guys who will seemingly never leave the main event scene, and two guys who probably never will see the main event since the other four will never leave!  Until Randy Orton moves out of the spotlight (which, judging from his new contract, is never going to happen), both Kofi AND Ted are never going to truly reach main event status, because Orton is cock-blocking their rise to fame.  And until he takes a seat in the Chair of Humility, we’re going to continue to see young talents getting held back by the guys who just don’t want to give up that cozy seat at the top of the mountain.  So we’re either going to have to stop watching since we know that nothing will ever change, or we can continue watching in the hope that something will change, even though it won’t.

I’m getting sick of these games WWE has been pulling.  I’m thinking about not watching WWE programming anymore, because it just causes more frustration than it causes enjoyment.  But if I did that, then this blog would most certainly end, and then I’d disappoint the three or four people who actually read this.  So, do you want me to suffer through more of this abhorrent programming, or do you care if I stop writing?  It’s really the only writing outlet I use on a semi-regular basis, and I think that if I stop, I might go insane.  But if I continue watching this dreck on television, I might go insane.  It’s a dilemma.  So, I guess until I make my decision, stay awesome, and maybe you’ll hear from me again.

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