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Let’s start this episode of Rantables off with a statement: this week’s episode of Friday Night Smackdown was one of the most pointless two hours of WWE television since the Vince McMahon Birthday Extravaganza last year.  Technically speaking, there were four matches (which is still low for TV standards), but only one of them lasted more than about two minutes, and that was the standard-fare tag match between Morrison and R-Truth vs. Jericho and McIntyre.  The Batista vs. Finlay match was a joke that was purely a vehicle for Batista telling us that HE will win the Royal Rumble, not everyone else who’s already proclaimed the exact same thing.  We were then treated to a very lengthy CM Punk “Straight Edge Cult” segment that spanned a commercial break and everything.

Sidebar: Look, I know that there are probably a lot of people out there who are supportive of Punk’s heel turn and his elitist, holier-than-thou attitude.  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it too.  But this whole messiah complex deal is getting a little out of hand.  Isn’t this supposed to be geared towards a younger audience?  Why is there a maniacal sociopath with dreams of being a savior and essentially starting a cult on what WWE has actually stated is a more kid-friendly brand?  It’s strange to me.  It’s also gotten a bit stale.  We had the “crazy fan” angle this week, which of course was a work.  Had it not been, I might have been more interested.  Alas, I was to be disappointed yet again.  This segment took way too long.  Maybe we’ll get a pass on it next week when we get a Unified Tag Team Championship match (on Friday, no less!).

Okay, back to calling the action.  The tag match, as stated earlier, was pretty standard fare, though Morrison did get the crap kicked out of him for much longer than usual.  I think he got the brunt of about 13-15 minutes of tag abuse by McIntyre and Jericho.  And it continues to amaze me how McIntyre is getting pushed despite a complete and total lack of charisma and knowledge of in-ring psychology.  Yes, he’s Scottish, which means that Vince MCMahon is going to push him with all the might of his massive, throbbing ego.  And next week, in lieu of a Intercontinental Championship match at the Royal Rumble, we get a No DQ title match next week on Smackdown.  Morrison has no chance of winning, by the way.  Once Vince has his mind set, he’s never going to change.  That belt is going to stay on McIntyre for a long time.  Sigh.

Now, for those of you who watch WWE programming AND listen to the Pro Wrestling Rewind, hosted by “The Power” Andy Knowles and “The King of All Italy” Mike Siciliano, you know that this week’s episode of the Rewind is going to be damned entertaining simply because of the next segment that occurred on Smackdown this past Friday night.

Let’s get one thing perfectly clear: this “feud” between Michelle McCool and Mickie James has been one of the most tasteless, disgusting, pathetic wastes of time I have ever seen.  Michelle McCool is a waste of oxygen and needs to just crawl into a hole and never return.  She is one of the most boring people on WWE television, and the fact that she not only is the longest-reigning champion in the WWE, but continually one-ups one of the best women’s wrestlers of the past decade in Mickie James is a travesty and continually boggles my mind as to how Creative can think that this is good television.  After McCool and Layla’s undeniably dull opening speech, we get a surprisingly good promo delivery from one Maria, defending Mickie’s honor.  Lay-Cool makes jokes about how Maria is too thin (talk about the pot calling the kettle black, Ms. McCool…), and then we get Mickie, who’s looking surprisingly buff.  I like it.  Anyway, Mickie delivers probably her best promo ever, defending not only herself and Maria, but every woman in the audience and every woman around the world.  All while Michelle and Layla snicker and point.  Mickie was as passionate as I’ve ever seen her, and I really respected her for delivering her speech with as much emotion as she did.  And what does she get for that?  A pig-shaped cake in the face and a punchbowl dumped on her head.

Look, in all honesty, this should have taken place the week after this whole debacle of a feud started.  At least, Mickie’s passionate speech should have taken place the next week.  But Creative has dragged this out for what seems like forever.  And the worst of it all is that Mickie still comes out on the losing end.  I honestly wonder if this is a punishment for signing a record deal to do country music, because I cannot think of a single person who would allow themselves to be so humiliated week in and week out.  Andy Knowles (I keep bringing him up because I respect his opinion and because he makes great points about many topics) stated last week on the Rewind that all women have issues with their self-image.  I don’t mean to sound sexist here, but we all know it’s true.  Anyway, he stated that this whole angle was such a bone-headed move by Creative because it’s more than likely going to drive away the female demographic WWE craves.  Hell, everybody has self-image issues.  I should know.  And watching some bleach-blonde stick figure bimbo make fun of another woman’s weight on national television for weeks on end is just embarassing.  WWE Creative should feel like a bunch of morons for putting such a horrible angle together and using it for week after week after week.  I skipped the entire beginning promo of this feud because it sickened me, and I’d hoped it would be a one-time thing.  I was sadly mistaken.  If WWE does not end this deplorable angle, I will consider WWE Creative a lost cause.  They honestly must not know what in the hell they are doing, because they’re driving fans away with such a stupid and infantile feud.  I hope they apologize to Mickie for making her go through so many embarassing segments.

Okay, on with the show.  After that debacle, we get two entirely pointless tag team matches, one of which was solely a vehicle to get Kane over for the Royal Rumble, and the other yet another way to bury the Hart Dynasty.  Great job, Creative.  You’re destroying the last glimmer of hope your tag division has.

Our last segment of the evening was a very slow and uninteresting promo between Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker.  I’d like to point something out (like I don’t do that enough already).  I feel like WWE is sending a message to all of its talent that it doesn’t matter what you do inside the ring, because unless you’re a top merch seller or in good with the boss, there’s a severe double standard when it comes to activities outside the company.  Cases in point: Randy Orton and Rey Mysterio.  Orton’s alleged incident outside a restaurant a week or so ago is a perfect c ase.  We don’t really know what went on, but the fact remains that if he did do anything similar to what was alleged at ANY point in his career, he should be reprimanded and punished for his actions.  What does WWE do?  They give him a title shot at the Royal Rumble.  WWE is teaching Orton that his actions have no consequences.  Remember when he trashed that hotel room in Europe a few years back?  What did WWE do?  That’s right, NOTHING!  Because Randy Orton is a top seller and he’s in good with the boss.  Rey Mysterio’s case: he got busted for using a banned substance and was suspended for a month.  The same week he returns, he gets a World Title match.  And for the last couple of months, he’s been at the top of the card every single week.  And in a little over a week, he’s getting another title match at the Royal Rumble.  Why?  Because he’s a top merch seller, that’s why.  It’s embarassing that there is such a double standard for the Top Guys (Cena, Orton, HHH, HBK, Taker, Mysterio, and Batista) and Everyone Else.  Everyone should be equal in the company.  By showing that there are a select few who are seemingly above the law, you’re telling every other employee (and the fans) that you honestly don’t give a shit about anyone but your top guys.  Vince and the boys need to grow up and learn that you shouldn’t give priority to seven guys just because they move more merch than everyone else and kissed your ass and stroked your ego more than everyone else.  Don’t be a dick, Vince.

I was going to discuss the upcoming Royal Rumble event, but since I’ve spent nearly 1,500 words shellacking Smackdown and WWE in general, I think it’s best to save those words for the picks column next week.  So, until next time, stay awesome, and be sure to listen to the Pro Wrestling Rewind!  They’re even on Facebook!  As am I, if you so desire to add me as a friend.  I can’t think of a reason why, but hey, I won’t stop you.  See you next time.


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