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It’s the first Rantables of 2010, and why not start the year on a crappy note?

I am a patient man most of the time.  I am also an understanding man.  I try not to jump to conclusions when it comes to just about everything.  But I have to say that I am fed up.  I am completely sick and tired of Vince McMahon throwing people under the bus simply to build up his Irish world champion.  A couple of weeks ago, MVP was basically squashed by the Celtic Toilet Bowl known as Sheamus, and this week on Raw, in what was the second most awesome moment of the show, during Sheamus’ dull, boring speech about how he’s better than John Cena because he retained the WWE Championship via disqualification, we get what I’d been wanting for weeks.  Evan Bourne interrupts Sheamus, walks down to the ring, STEALS THE MIC and runs outside the ring, and challenges Sheamus to a WWE Title match at the Royal Rumble provided he beats Sheamus tonight in a non-title match.  I was positively giddy with excitement at the prospect of a Bourne/Sheamus match at the Rumble.  And what do you know, Bourne gets off to a ridiculously fast start, just beating Sheamus down and hitting Air Bourne.

At this time, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to describe the next couple of minutes in a rather colorful analogy.  Guys, you know the feeling you get when you’re getting a blowjob from a really hot girl, and she’s really good at it, and you’re getting ready to climax all over her face?  But then she stands up, pulls down her pants, and there’s a 10 inch penis where there should be a vagina?  And instead of you having a great finish to an event with epic buildup, you get assraped by a girl with a dong, who, after doubling the size of your asshole, turns you around, cuts your dick off, and takes it as a prize?

That’s how that match felt for me.  When Bourne’s music hit, I became giddy with excitement.  I thought, FINALLY, they’re doing something right.  Creative is giving the fans something THEY want, instead of something the suits in the back want.  When he started the match by kicking the crap out of Sheamus and, about 30 seconds in, setting up and hitting Air Bourne, I was ready to scream with joy, as if I was going to climax all over the floor.  But Sheamus kicked out, tossed Bourne to the floor outside the ring, and proceeded to demolish Bourne in about a minute.  I felt like I’d been violated.  And seeing Bourne’s twisted, broken body after the Razor’s Edge and the ensuing pin felt like I’d just gotten my dick cut off.  I went from joyous to abhorrent in the span of one minute.

Okay, Vince, I get it.  You’re doing this just for the ratings and the cash.  You’re pissing all the fans off so they’ll tune in next time to see which deserving man gets squashed by the Celtic Toilet Bowl.  We get it.  He’s the champ because he’s Irish.  Stop being a fucking asshole and give the title to someone who DESERVES IT.  I have to agree with The Power, Andy Knowles, that a world title should not be used to build up a wrestler, but that a wrestler should build himself up to become a world champion.  We all know that WWE titles mean nothing anymore, but if you put them on someone who actually deserves the title of a world champion, then maybe some of the prestige will be returned to these titles.  I must say that if I had the choice to be the WWE Champion or one of the top indy champions, like the ROH World Champion or the Open the Brave Gate Champion (oh, yeah, I just went Dragon Gate on your asses), I’d pick one of the latter two, because at least people will respect you for being at the top of that company.  I KNOW that this is exactly what Vince wants everyone to think.  But it’s gotten old.  You need to change up your plans.  Watch some Dragon Gate USA and learn how wrestling SHOULD work.

Speaking of, I at least want to speak about some good things over the next year.  So why not discuss how I’m broadening my wrestling horizons by watching more indy wrestling.  I recently watched the recent Dragon Gate USA PPV, Open the Untouchable Gate (which I did not realize until later was their second PPV and I’d missed an entire show which I have since acquired and plan to watch soon), and I must say that it’s a welcome change from the “sports entertainment” that Vince promotes.  I actually had to watch it in several installments because the wrestling content was so concentrated that I needed time to recover between matches.  It was very condensed.  But it was a lot more entertaining than most of the crap put on by Vince and the Boys.  When you get a guy who, as part of his entrance, lights his hands on fire, you know he’s dedicated to the business (that would be The Great Malaki for those of you wondering who would be so insane as to do such a thing).  The highlight of the night had to be the match between Bryan Danielson and Naruki Doi, the current Open the Dream Gate Champion.  If you want to learn great ring psychology, watch a match with Bryan Danielson.  The few matches I’ve seen with him participating have been nothing short of stellar.  Danielson is a consummate professional, and an incredible talent.  I pray that WWE doesn’t squander the opportunity they have to promote him as the greatest wrestler in the world.  His match with Doi was amazing from start to finish.  The line between face and heel was blurred to the point where nobody cared who was on the offense, because it was always awesome.  This is something Vince should start using, I believe, because the extreme sides his wrestlers take make many matches unbelievable in terms of build and comebacks.  When two guys beat the crap out of each other for 15-20 minutes equally, when someone wins, you know that they deserved it, because they dished out as much punishment as they received, and it could go either way.  When someone wins, we think the better man won, not the bigger man won.  I was also very entertained by Fray, that went on in the pre-show but was included in the version I acquired.  Eight men entered, in timed intervals, and the last man standing won Fray.  There were tons of ridiculous spots and incredible athleticism, and I have to give every man in that match credit for putting on one hell of a match before the show even started.  There were two matches that I did not enjoy, for different reasons.  First was the match with CIMA facing off against Brian Kendrick (yes, THE Brian Kendrick).  Kendrick seemed to still be in WWE mode, and as such, I think, didn’t really allow himself to let loose and do the crazy stuff that got people to love him in the first place.  I fear that this is actually true of most every WWE reject who goes on to indy prominence (D’Lo Brown, Brent Albright, etc).  Though they do get better with time, that WWE training (or breaking of the spirit depending on how you see it) really changes a man.  They’re never quite the same when they leave and go back to the places where they got their start.  Anyway, CIMA did his best, but Kendrick was pretty bad in that match.

The other match that bothered me was the next match involving Shingo and Davey Richards.  First, let me say that if Davey isn’t using steroids, then I want to know how in the hell he got to look the way he does.  He’s a freak.  Reminds me a lot of the Dynamite Kid.  Anyway, their match was great until it felt like the moment to end the match passed, and they went on for about ten more minutes.  It became silly after a while to watch them continue to stand up after they hit one of their OVER 9,000 signature or finishing moves, do some reversals, and hit a finisher of their own, only to have the other guy kick out, rinse, and repeat.  They took it a little too far with that match.  These two left it all in the ring, no doubt, but it felt like they left a little too much there.

Long story short, I was very impressed with Dragon Gate USA, and I will definitely be catching more of their stuff whenever it comes out.  I’m also going to watch more ROH, both older and new stuff.  And I’m watching some of the local company, TWF, though it isn’t even close to being as polished as ROH or Dragon Gate.  Still, it has some guys who’ve got talent, so I’m going to watch it more often.  If you’ve got recommendations for indy promotions to check out, by all means, leave a comment with your suggestions.

Okay, that’s enough from me for now.  I’m planning to keep going through the entire year with more complaints and grievances, and more gushing praise for the indies the more I watch.  Until next time, stay awesome.

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