I’m betting that a lot of people are disgusted or offended at the title of this article. Maybe you know someone who is HIV positive, or you think that calling someone “The HIV of Wrestling” is an insult that nobody deserves. Well, if Hulk Hogan is the cancer of wrestling (so said by The King of All Italy, Mike Siciliano), Hornswoggle is the HIV of wrestling.
I’ve said it before how he manages to take a wrestler with talent and potential and basically destroy his career. He’s done it to every person he’s affiliated himself with over the past three years. First it was Finlay, who was on a rise after winning the US Title. With the leprechaun, he became a child-friendly face with no punch and most of his reputation gone. Before Hornswoggle, Finlay was a force to be reckoned with. He was brutal, to the point where you would hope that anybody going into a match with him would just turn around and run away. With the inclusion of the leprechaun, his credibility went out the window. He always had to protect the little guy from all those nasty heels who would use him as a shield when faced with the shillelagh. Pretty soon, Finlay adopted Hornswoggle entrance music, and became this happy-go-lucky Irishman who did a little jig with kids from the audience after winning a match. Finlay’s edge was gone, and so, too, was any chance of another championship of ANY kind. Now he’s a gatekeeper on Smackdown, putting over younger guys with half the talent he has. Sure, Finlay’s in his fifties, but I firmly believe that had Hornswoggle not become a major part of Finlay’s persona, he (Finlay) might have gone on to the upper mid card or even sniffed the main event scene. Sadly, this will never happen, and I, for one, am very disappointed.
And then he won the Cruiserweight Championship. What little credibility the title had (and any reason to keep the smaller guys in anything but a jobbing role) went the way of the dodo. What an embarassing moment for WWE. Worse than putting the WWE Title on Sheamus! He held the title for a pointless two months before it (the title, unfortunately) was phased out. This, to me, sent a message to every smaller guy employed by WWE: We don’t give a shit about you and you’ll never be as successful as the 280 pound behemoths with an eighth as much talent as you. After that debacle came the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon angle, which went on for far too long. Let’s just forget that ever happened.
Then, earlier this year, the disease began to spread. Its next victim: Goldust. Now, we all know that Dustin Runnels, aka Goldust, was never going to be a world champion in WWE. The gimmick was just too weird. But when he got himself involved with Hornswoggle, it ended up burning him in the long run. Goldust was taken from Raw and moved to ECW, where he made a bit of a comeback and actually got a pretty decent cult following before being paired up with Sheamus. Meanwhile, Hornswoggle had moved on to his next target: The World’s Strongest Man.
Now, I’m sure that a few of you remember Mark Henry’s first night on Raw after the 15-superstar trade engineered by Donald Trump (full kayfabe mode right there, folks). Then-champion Randy Orton was put in a Gauntlet match against three unknown opponents. The first was Evan Bourne, who fought valiantly, but lost because he’s a smaller guy. Then came Jack THHHHHwagger, who just got himself counted out. Then came Henry. He appeared to follow Swagger’s lead, but grabbed the ref’s arm as the count was being made. He shook his head, smiled, got in the ring, and destroyed Orton. Never had Mark Henry gotten a reaction like he did that night. He went from middling heel that nobody cared about (and probably a lot of people hated) to a main event face in one night. Then what happened? Hornswoggle got in trouble, and Henry bailed him out. Goldust was gone to ECW, so the little bastard needed somebody to protect him. And who better to protect him than the World’s Strongest Man? Mark Henry started wearing red tights (making him look like the world’s largest misshapen tomato) and having tag matches with the leprechaun. It took Henry’s credibility away, and now he’s wrestling tag matches that mean nothing in the long run. Much like his tag partner, MVP, Henry made a huge impact his first night on Raw, rather coincidentally both against Randy Orton. But, for some reason that I have yet to figure out, neither of them actually ended up delivering on that impact. Henry’s wrestling six man matches, and MVP just got squashed by Sheamus last night on Raw in an utterly pathetic match.
But was Hornswoggle done? Of course not. During the course of the last three years, he’s also ruined what little careers Jamie Noble, Chavo Guerrero, and Brian Kendrick had in WWE. One thing I will never forgive Creative for is giving Hornswoggle more wins in 2009 than Evan Bourne. And just last night, the HIV of professional wrestling that is Hornswoggle infected two more men. DX has been forever marked by the little bastard. The collective star power of HHH and Shawn Michaels might be able to stave off ruin for a while, seeing as how they’re DX and all, but I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if they ended up like everyone else. I’d bet that DX is going to lose the tag titles very soon to the Hart Dynasty, either by Chris Jericho’s hand or Hornswoggle’s accidental interference, and someone’s going to turn heel. I’m betting it’s HHH, so we can get a HHH/HBK match at Wrestlemania 26, to go along with Cena/Taker and (I still hope not) Hart/McMahon. What I’d like to know is why Vince didn’t try to schedule this for Wrestlemania 25. 25 is a hell of a lot bigger an anniversary than 26. I guess Vince is just trying to spite Hogan after all the shit Hogan spat about McMahon over the past few months.
Regarding the changes to the WWE intro: I think it was a little callous of McMahon to take out the Mick Foley segment of the video intro before every TV show. I can understand the Hogan quote being taken out, but Foley? His fall off the Hell in a Cell is one of the most iconic moments in wrestling history, maybe in the top 5 all-time. Just because he’s with a differnt company now doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist. I really with Vince would at least acknowledge that there are other companies out there that do what he thinks is the greatest wrestling product in the world, but I suppose that’s just his massive, throbbing ego again, needing a good stroke like it always does.
Anyway, my point of this little 1200 word diatribe is that I am sick of Hornswoggle ruining peoples’ careers. The Little People’s Court last night on Raw was a new low for WWE programming. Pretending that midgets can’t talk? Really, Vince? You couldn’t have even the JUDGE say or do something other than bang her gavel on the milk crate you covered with a cloth to simulate a judge’s desk? Even I’m insulted with this. Midgets can talk! It’s just sad, really. Hornswoggle’s 15 minutes of fame ran out three years ago. He needs to disappear from WWE programming for the good of the product. For once, Vince, think about the fans instead of the MUHN-AEY.
Ah, who am I kidding? Vince will never think of the fans before himself and THE MUHN-AEY.
Join me next time when I try to be less cynical. I’ll do my First Annual Golden Rantie Awards next week, so stay tuned for that! And until then, continue booing Sheamus for being the least qualified man to hold the WWE Championship since The Great Khali!