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Fair warning: profanity to follow.

TLC was…decent.  Not great, but not bad.  Most of the matches were good,  but not memorable.  A couple of spots were definitely memorable, but most of the matches didn’t stand out in any way.  With that said, let’s go through the results.

Christian defeated Shelton Benjamin in a Ladder Match to retain the ECW Championship

It can’t be a very good sign when the curtain jerker match is the best of the night.  But these two pulled out some crazy shit and set the bar WAY too high for everybody else following them.  There were plenty of ladder spots, including a couple of very dangerous ones right near the beginning.  First off, Christian dropping a ladder on his head.  I feared he might have sustained a concussion right there.  He got busted open the hard way, and it was sad but funny to see the ref instantly slap on some latex gloves and to see the doctor rush down to ringside not 30 seconds later for FEAR OF BLOOD OMFG!  Seriously, Vince, if someone gets opened up the hard way, just leave it.  I know you’re catering to families now, but a little crimson isn’t going to ruin kids’ lives.  I can understand getting rid of blading.  I never liked that practice in the first place.  But if a guy falls down and drops a ladder on his face, you expect him to be bloody for a while.  Yet the rush the doctor out there to glue Christian’s head shut, stalling the match for about two minutes.  Then Shelton does a dangerous dive off a ladder, nearly landing on his head because Christian wasn’t standing in a good spot and was probably still not all there.  I really enjoyed the “We want blood!” chant that arose while the doctor was gluing Christian up.  The spot of the night had to be Christian hitting a frog splash on Shelton, who was laying on a ladder that was lying between the ring and the announcer’s table.  That was amazing.  Definitely the fastes 18 minute match in recent memory.  They definitely stole the show.  Too bad they stole it at the beginning.

0 for 1 in picks.

Drew McIntyre defeated John Morrison to become the NEW Intercontinental Champion

I have a theory about Drew McIntyre.  Call me a conspiracy theorist all you want, I don’t care.  I think that Vince is using both his on-air support of McIntyre AND the reports that HHH and Shawn Michaels have given their seal of approval to McIntyre to get him over.  Everybody hates him.  The marks hate him because he’s angry all the time and because Vince McMahon personally supports him, and the Internet geeks hate him because he’s earning his championships through politics instead of talent.  It’s a win-win for both Vince and Drew.  He’ll get heat no matter what.

Oh, right, the match.  This was nowhere near as good as their match on Smackdown two weeks ago.  Chalk that up to the magic of television editing.  If McIntyre ever hopes to be taken seriously as a competitor, he needs to do three things: don’t use so many clotheslines, use a wider variety of rest holds/submission holds, and for poop’s sake, STOP USING SWAGGER TACTICS!  It makes you look extremely weak if you dominate your opponent for the set amount of time only to magically become weakened when the face begins his comeback.  It ruins your character.  Let the faces have more moves in their initial mini-comebacks, so when they finally DO make their comeback, it seems plausible because even though you’ve been beating the crap out of them for however many minutes, they’ve been doing enough damage here and there to make it seem like you’ve been knocked around as well.  I hope that makes sense.  Anyway, an average match with an expected result, and a new, undeserving champion was crowned.  I wish I hadn’t correctly picked this match, but I did.

Michelle McCool defeated Mickie James to retain the Women’s Championship

To be fair, I did not hear about this whole Mickie James recording contract thing until after I made my picks.  Had I heard about it, I would have changed my mind.  Here’s hoping Mickie leaves to record her country album soon so we don’t have to hear any more of this pathetic grade-school-level taunting by Michelle and Layla.  Makes me sick every time someone brings it up.  She (and Matt Striker) should be embarassed for such a childish act.  I have no respect left for Michelle McCool.  I hope Natalya or Beth destroys her soon, so we can have some actual women’s matches.

Sheamus defeated John Cena in a Tables Match to become the new WWE Champion

Remember that warning I gave at the beginning of the article?  It’s mostly going to apply here.

I swear to fucking christ, this is the absolute worst decision WWE has made since they put the World Heavyweight Championship on The Great Khali back in 2007.  Sheamus hasn’t even been on television for six months.  Nobody deserves to become a WWE World Champion within six months of their television debut, unless they’ve had an extensive indy career and won multiple indy world titles (*COUGH*americandragon*COUGH*).  If you’re a freakishly pale musclehead with no real knowledge of wrestling psychology and a tiny…moveset…you don’t deserve a world title run any time soon.  To me, Sheamus is basically Batista with a more limited moveset.

The match itself was actually decent, but not memorable in any way.  Cena basically carried this match completely.  It was his job to make sure Sheamus didn’t look like a bumbling idiot out there, and he mostly succeeded.  The ending was a joke and a fluke, and I pray that Cena calls out Sheamus on the fluke.  I also hope Sheamus loses the title on Raw.  To whom, I don’t honestly care.  Anyone is a more deserving champion than him.  He hasn’t paid his dues.  All he did to get where he is today is take steroids and work out a lot and not go out in the sun, ever.  And Vince loves him.  And I’m going to go back into conspiracy theorist mode again: I’m betting that Vince is banking on the IWC hating this move so much that he knows it’s going to draw huge ratings just so people will watch Raw to hope Sheamus loses the WWE Title each and every week.  Leave it to the world’s biggest asshole to stoop to such a low level just for ratings.  Now that I think about it, I bet he’s going to keep the title on Sheamus until January 4th, when Raw and Impact go head-to-head, and he’s going to build up a huge title match for that day just to stick it to TNA and to Hogan.  Don’t you love my conspiracy theories?

Oh, and while we’re berating everyone who works at WWE, leave it to Michael Cole to get his facts wrong yet again.  Cole stated that the last foreign-born WWE Champion was Yokozuna, 16 years ago.  I went through the list of past WWE Champions, and it’s quite obvious he’s WRONG!  Mr. Cole seemed to forget about the very next WWF Champion, one Bret “Hitman” Hart.  A-DUUURRRRR.  Then, Kane won his first (and likely, only) WWF Championship in 1999 (for those of you who don’t know, Glen Jacobs, the man who has portrayed Kane for 84 years, was born in Madrid, Spain, though I highly doubt any announcers would acknowledge this).  And, of course, you can’t discuss the WWE Championship without discussing Edge.  Canada is a foreign country to everybody not from Canada, Michael Cole.  So you’re THREE TIMES WRONG!  Congratulations on being a dumbass for the 15th year in a row.

Let’s move past this travesty, shall we?

The Undertaker defeated Batista in a Chairs Match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

I call bullshit on this match.  So many people have won titles using dirty tricks like a low blow, yet this time, Teddy Long comes out and ruins it.  There was no reason for him to restart the match.  Why this one and not every other match where someone has cheated but the ref didn’t see it?  Are you going to go back and overturn all of those matches too?  Teddy, you’re giving me an enormous double standard here!  Are you telling me that ONLY the most important people get their matches personally reviewed by you, so when the ref screws up, it’s your JOB to fix things and restart matches that had no business being restarted?  This was a major gaffe on Creative’s part.  Everyone and their blind mother can see that Taker is in bad shape.  He doesn’t walk so much as hobble, and every match where he doesn’t get seriously injured is considered a victory.  THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN!  You need to let Taker sit on the shelf for a while, at least until the Rumble, and even possibly further, if you want him to have an epic match with John Cena at Wrestlemania 26.  If you want it to be anywhere near the caliber of Taker/HBK this year, he needs to rest up.  Keeping the title on him is going to mean more matches, more title matches, and more house shows, which is only going to wear him down even faster.  Unless you’re going to put the strap on Jericho REALLY soon, this is a huge mistake.  I don’t condone a Batista title reign at all, but he’s at least a stopgap while Taker heals up.  Anyway, yet another average match.  The only memorable part about it was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard Matt Striker say: “Undertaker’s been in Hell in a Cell matches, Elimination Chamber matches, Inferno matches…but perhaps none more dangerous than a chair match.”  Excuse me?  What in the hell are you smoking, sir?  How in the blue hell is a steel chair more dangeorus than A RING SURROUNDED BY GODDAMNED FIRE!  How is a steel chair more dangerous than everything else under the ring that you can use in a Hell in a Cell?  How is a steel chair more dangerous than steel grating for a floor, bulletproof glass, and five other men who want to tear your head off?  You, sir, made the most moronic commentary of the evening.

Let’s move on.

Randy Orton defeated Kofi Kingston

You would think that an up-and-comer who has paid his dues and improved a hundred fold in the ring and a million fold on the mic would finally get his big break and bust into the main event.  But no, Randy Orton ruins the moment yet again.  Sure, they could drag this feud out for a while longer, but it had reached a crecendo that I have not felt in quite some time as far as feuds go.  This was the rubber match between these two, and when you’ve got a talent like Kofi about to break into the main event, he’s supposed to win the rubber match in style and class, beat Orton clean, and vault into stardom.  Instead, we get Orton winning again and delaying the inevitable.  Orton doesn’t need more wins right now.  He’s already acoomplished more in his short career than 95% of the wrestlers who have ever or WILL EVER compete in this industry.  For once, let the young guy get over.  I read in Mike Siciliano’s column, Pros from the Palace, that he thinks Dibiase will turn face and team with Kingston to take on Orton and Rhodes.  While this isn’t a bad idea, I just don’t see why the IWC loves Ted Dibiase, Jr. so much.  He’s not terribly charismatic, he’s average on the mic, and he’s just decent in the ring, more of a throwback to the 1970’s and 1980’s.  But I see no outstanding characteristics blaring at me when it comes to Dibiase.  He’s been around for well over a year; you would think that his matches would gradually become more interesting and more entertaining, but they really haven’t.

As far as Kofi’s push goes, I think this feud should have ended at TLC.  With Orton winning, it lessens the intensity and diminishes any future impact Kofi might make.  He should have won here and crashed the main event party, telling the world, “Here I am!  I’m taking that title!”  You know what I would love?  I’d love to see Sheamus take on Kofi tomorrow and have Kofi win the WWE Title.  Now THAT would be a swerve.

Oh, right, the match.  Yet again, average.  Though it did have one sweet sequence where Kofi showed his true identity, Spiderman, when he climbed up the ring steps and up the turnbuckles in about a second and a half, only to fly directly into a Randy Orton dropkick on the floor.  It was a thing of beauty.  Then Orton worked Kofi’s ribs for like 12 minutes and won with an RKO.  Wow.

And now, for the main event!

DX defeated JeriShow to become the NEW Unified Tag Team Champions

I find it hilarious that I’m using the best tag team of 2009’s fan-made nickname on the last day of their existence.  But if you honestly didn’t see this coming, you’re blinder than I am.  Again, a fairly average match that had a couple of potentially awesome spots that turned ugly.  Well, really, just the one where Jericho was balanced on Show’s shoulders, and DX stepped into the ring.  What I’d hoped would happen was Show just chucking Jericho at DX, probably missing, then DX taking Show out and winning.  Instead, HBK superkicks Show, drops Jericho outside, and Jericho has probably the ugliest landing of the night.  It was awful, trust me.  Then a superkick and a Pedigree later, DX wins the Unified Tag Team Titles.  What does this mean for the Tag Titles?  Will they be exclusive to Raw until DX feels like dropping them?  Or will HHH decide to work Tuesdays again (science bless Paul Heyman).  Either way, the Tag Team gold has been given new life by JeriShow.  Let’s hope DX doesn’t piss it all away.  I’m looking forward to DX vs. The Hart Dynasty.  Here’s hoping the Dynasty takes the belts soon.

So, as far as picks went, I was…damn…2 for 7.  That’s probably my worst percentage of the year.  That’s what happens when titles that should change hands don’t.

Before I leave you, I would like to address something regarding your new WWE Champion (I refuse to acknowledge him as MY WWE Champion).  A lot of people are saying that just seeing a fresh face in the World Title pictures means something, that WWE is finally willing to step away from its usual formula of Cena+Orton+HHH+Taker+Batista+Edge=MONEYZ!  Why, then, do they give the title to the guy who’s been on television the shortest amount of time, and has barely cut his teeth on Raw?  There is not one person on the Raw roster who is LESS deserving of a WWE Title run than Sheamus.  Even the lower card guys like Carlito, Chavo, Santino, and Primo deserve a WWE Title run more than Sheamus.  Why?  Two simple reasons: first, they’ve paid their dues, and second, they have more talent than the shamrock milkshake (thanks to Josh Piedra of the Wrestleview staff for that one).  I’ll even go so far as to say that Hornswoggle is more deserving of a WWE Championship run, simply because he’s been on TV for over three years as opposed to the five months Sheamus has been around.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I just admitted that I would rather see Hornswoggle hold the WWE Championship more than I want to see Sheamus hold the WWE Championship.  Hell, let’s just have Swoggle take on Sheamus on Raw tomorrow and have the leprechaun win.  And with the reputation of the WWE Championship utterly destroyed within 24 hours, we can go about rebuilding it with someone with ACTUAL TALENT.

You know what I would have liked to see at TLC?  John Cena vs. a heel MVP.  That would have been an awesome match.  But MVP has been the biggest disappointment of the year.  It’s as though Creative no longer cares about him now that he’s on Raw.  Let’s hope his 2010 gets him to the main event.

Okay, it’s 2:30 AM and I’ve written 2,700 words.  That’s plenty of ranting for now.  I’ll be writing up my year-in-review column and my First Annual Golden Rantie Awards very soon, so stay tuned for those!  In the meantime, I’ll suffer through this abomination of a WWE Title reign for you.  Let’s hope I don’t go insane in the process.

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