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Fair warning: Copious swearing to follow.  You have been warned.

Survivor Series results are going to be quick and dirty tonight, because there is a much bigger issue I must discuss at great length.  Survivor Series was a pretty big disappointment overall.  The only halfway decent match was the World Heavyweight Championship match, which isn’t something I expected to say.  The entire show, despite being the most well-planned out PPV of the year, felt as though the entire show had been written five minutes before they were supposed to go on the air.  The entire show felt very slapdash.  Let’s just go through the results now.

Team Miz defeated Team Morrison (Miz, Sheamus, and McIntyre were the sole survivors)

So much bullshit in this match right from the start.  Ziggler, the ONLY talented guy on Team Miz, is the very first guy eliminated, then Bourne gets knocked off by the incredibly unentertaining Drew McIntyre.  Finlay gets eliminated after OEN MOVE (which is another thing I feel I’m going to have to rant about in the near future).  The most satisfying moment of the match came when Morrison eliminated Swagger.  Shelton and Hardy get kicked off, and goddamned Sheamus wins the match for Team Miz.  During the match, that same Irish ghostman managed to give referee Scott Armstrong a concussion when Sheamus smashed his knee into the back of Armstrong’s head during a brawl.  Now, I’ve been very critical of Armstrong’s work as a ref.  But I don’t feel as though anybody should be injured during a match.  Well, except Swagger.  Anyway, quite a poor way to begin a show.

Batista defeated Rey Mysterio

Word is Mysterio needs knee surgery yet again, so instead of drawing this feud out, they just ended it right here, and made Batista destroy Mysterio just so they could write him off TV as soon as possible.  Still, the match was pretty bad in and of itself.  I’m not going to blame Mysterio’s knee problems for that, but usually he’s able to put people over a lot better than he did with Batista last night.  And to top it off, I start the PPV 0 for 2 in picks.

Team Kingston defeated Team Orton (Kofi Kingston was the sole survivor)

I was expecting this match to come down to Kofi vs. Orton at the end, but I wasn’t expecting their encounter to last four seconds.  All of the men besides Orton, Kofi, and CM Punk were eliminated far too quickly, leaving Punk to work over Kofi for what felt like forever.  And it wasn’t even interesting to watch.  I was expecting Mark Henry to be more important, but he was a non-factor.  Not the greatest of ways to continue the maturation of the Kingston/Orton feud.

Undertaker retains the World Heavyweight Championship over Chris Jericho and Big Show

Sadly, this was the best match on the card, and also the shortest.  These three really clicked last night.  Jericho played his part perfectly, and Taker did a good job of staying with everything despite his ailing body.  Show was Show, but at least he helped make Taker look good.  I’ll hand it to these three: they helped drag this PPV from the worst show of the year to the second-worst (behind Summerslam).

Team Mickie defeated Team Michelle (Mickie James and Melina were the sole survivors)

Much like Mark Henry in the prior elimination match, Beth Phoenix was a non-factor in this match, eliminated very early on so that the chances of Team Mickie were not zero.  Without Beth, team Michelle was pretty pathetic.  On another note, i will never understand why Gail Kim continues to be utterly buried to death (no pun intended) on WWE programming.  She was the top of the Knockouts division.  She’s a punching bag on Raw.  It’s pathetic.  She should have won a title already.  She’s probably the most polished and talented woman in WWE right now (save maybe Natalya), yet she’s at the bottom of the pecking order.  What gives?  Is it just politics that’s keeping her down week after week?  Sure, she’s making more money to lose every week, but when you’re the company’s punching bag, is it worth the cash?  Anyway, 2 for 5 in picks.

John Cena retains the WWE Championship over HHH and Shawn Michaels

Don’t you love that when Michaels superkicked HHH at the very beginning of the match, the crowd went nuts for it, but when HHH puts Shawn through a table, they boo HHH out of the building?  Double standard much, crowd?  Anyway, this was standard fare from all three competitors.  They worked about two and a half standard matches during the course of this triple threat, had the requisite announcer table spot, and a copious amount of submission holds.  Cena retains.  No surprise there.

So I was .500 in picks.  Nothing to cheer about.

Now, on to the elephant turd in the punchbowl.  It angers me to no end how WWE Creative just yanks our (the fans’) chains around and toys with our emotions like the don’t give a shit.  You bring out Jesse “The Body” Ventura for a three-hour Raw and have him be the mouthpiece of the people, proclaiming that the next challenger for the World Championship (note how he purposefully keeps it ambiguous as to WHICH championship he’s referring to) would be someone who’s never had a World Title shot before.  He confronts Randy Orton and tells him that he doesn’t get another shot at Cena.  He tells us that there will be qualifying matches featuring men who have never received a World Title shot, and the winners of those matches would go on to a “Breakthrough Battle Royal” and the winner of that would be the #1 Contender.  Kofi wins, Sheamus wins (more on this idiot later), MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth move on in a 6-man tag match, Legacy wins in a tag match, and that’s seven guys.  Then, in what I was expecting to be Evan Bourne vs. Drew McIntyre, we get Bourne vs. Primo.  Only, Orton comes out, tosses Primo off the entrance ramp, and yells at the ref to start the match.  Then Ventura appears on the Titantron and lets Orton be in the match because “He was persistent.”  I’m sorry, Ventura, but you just lost all credibility when you let Orton cheat his way into yet another title reign.  And it made Creative lose nearly all of what little credibility it had left.  I was expecting a new face to FINALLY arrive in the main event scene, and now you’re saying that it was all a tease and Orton’s in the match anyway?  You fucking hypocrites.  You make it seem like, after so many months of the same four names in the main event on Raw, you’re actually listening to the fans and giving us something WE want instead of something Vince wants.  Then you yank the carpet from under our feet by saying, “Oh, we were just kidding.  Orton’s got a chance.”

But instead of having Orton win, we get an even LESS deserving #1 Contender for the WWE Championship.  Kofi eliminated Orton, which was no surprise, but I would have preferred it either to happen at the beginning of the match or be the final elimination.  Instead, we get Kofi eliminating Orton, then turning around and SHEAMUS knock Kofi out and win.  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  This guy is the second-least deserving guy to get a WWE Title shot (behind Swagger.  He hasn’t even been part of the main roster for five months yet, and he’s already getting a WWE Title shot.  What does this say to all the guys who have (A) actual talent and (B) paid their dues?  It says, “It doesn’t matter if you have talent or paid your dues, because all that matters in the WWE is if you have a bodybuilder’s physique.  We don’t care if you’re a clumsy, bulbous, musclebound idiot who seems to hurt people everywhere he goes, including concussing a referee, because you have a great body.  We don’t care if you have the charisma of a block of wood and the in-ring ability of Jackie Gayda, because as long as you look like you were chiseled out of granite, you’ll always win.”  Guys like MVP, Ron Killings, and especially Kof Kingston should be furious that this musclehead who can’t put two moves together without requiring a rest hold in-between is getting a WWE Title shot against John Cena at a PPV event.  Well, if I was one of them I’d be pissed off.  Hell, they even passed up Legacy for this title match, and a lot of IWC bloggers are saying that the next world champion is going to be Ted Dibiase (I respectfully disagree, but to each his own).  This is a travesty of the highest degree, and if I was a WWE writer, I’d be embarassed.  WWE programming has been awful the last couple of months, and I’m getting sick of the same old shit every week.  Ventura is talking so much about the wave of the future, yet DX beats the Hart Dynasty.  Hypocrisy, thy name is WWE.  I’m giving them until the end of the year to get their shit together, and if they don’t, I’m going to stop watching their shows.  I’ll still do my end-of-the-year awards show, but rest assured it’s going to be written with an air of cynicism if any more stupidity occurs (like if Sheamus wins the WWE Title).

I have only enjoyed two things the past few weeks involving WWE.  One was Evan Bourne stopping Hack Swagger’s winning streak a couple of weeks ago.  The other was an exchange between Chris Jericho and a random fan at Survivor Series last night.

Random fan: “Go back to Toronto!”

Jericho: “I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot!”

That cracked me up for a while.  Reminded me of a moment at The Bash (I’m sure this didn’t make it to air) where one random fan yelled at Primo during the tag team title match, “Go back to Mexico!” and someone corrected him that he was from Puerto Rico, so he corrected himself very loudly.  It was hilarious.

You know what I think the problem with all these new guys is?  I think they’re being coddled by the trainers.  I don’t think the training is as rigorous as it used to be.  They probably don’t have to take as many bumps as guys who were trained even five years ago.  It just goes along with the fact that only the big, bulky guys get the big pushes.  They’re trained to just dominate matches, never really learn to sell or take a bump, and stick to a small moveset so that they never screw up a move they’ve never used before.  And when they DO have to do something outside their comfort zone, they stall and end up looking awful.  Like Sheamus in the battle royal on Raw.  He sat in the corner for what seemed like an eternity, almost as though he was counting the seconds down until he was supposed to eliminate R-Truth.  It’s as though they have a plan in their heads, and they have this notion that they can’t deviate from it one bit or there will be dire consequences.  I like to call this “Swagger Tactics,” as Swagger was the first new guy to really have this mindset of never deviating from how a match is supposed to work.  It just ends up for very dull matches.  If you have a heel control the face and never give the face any hope spots until the end of the match, it weakens the heel’s character.  Why doesn’t anybody understand this?

Here is one thing I pray WWE writers do before the year is over and I (likely) boycott WWE programming: I would like to see more character development.  I would especially like to see some character backstory.  I want to know why Kofi impersonated a Jamaican for over a year.  I want to know WHY CM Punk is straight-edge.  I want to know what motivates these guys to act the way they do besides the fact that the’re good or bad.  I’m not asking for much.  This is standard fare in most D&D campaigns, one of which I’m running and I’m asking my players to write backstories for their characters (yes, I’m a huge nerd, get over it).  Coming up with a halfway decent backstory is not a difficult task!  Just make these caricatures into real people and I’ll be interested again.

There.  I’ve written 2,100 more words about why I hate WWE.  I feel like I’ve been doing that for quite a while.  It kind of makes me wonder why I even bother watching their shows anymore.  At least, that was my mindset before I set this ultimatum for WWE Creative.  I’m giving them until the end of the year to get their act together and stop making stupid decisions.  If they can’t, I’m boycotting their product.  Which, sadly, will likely mean the end of this blog, but hey, I’m tired of writing nothing but negativity.

Okay, I’ll end this column on a positive note.  I forgot one other thing I enjoyed.  I really loved the pie segment, mostly because Santino knocked a pie into Vickie Guerrero’s face.  That was immensely satisfying.  I’ll see you all next time.

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