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Before I get to picks for Survivor Series, I would just like to get one gripe off my chest that’s been bothering me for years.  Why can’t the three ring announcers actually agree on billed weights for wrestlers?  I’ll give you a very quick example: this week, on Raw, Jericho and Show were billed at 711 pounds combined.  On Smackdown, taped ONE DAY LATER, their combined weight was 705 pounds.  How on earth can these guys lose so much weight in less than a day?  I really wish that the announcers, when having to announce a wrestler who appears on more than one brand for whatever reason, would write up a list of every performer’s billed weight and just announce it that way.  When you’ve got these insane weight fluctuations, it makes me (for one) think that it’s all just a bunch of bullshit.  Which it is, in reality.  There is no way on earth that Yoshi Tatsu weighs more than Zack Ryder, for example.  Anyway, they should get the billed weights the same across all three brands, so as to not make it sound like somebody mysteriously gained five pounds overnight.

Okay, now that that’s over, let’s do some picks.

Team Mickie (Mickie James, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Divas Champion Melina) vs. Team Michelle (Womens Champion Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix, Layla, and Alicia Fox)

Firstly, if you’re going to have a women’s elimination match, at least have the captains both be champions.  Have it be Team Melina vs. Team Michelle.  Yes, I know that Mickie and Michelle are feuding on Smackdown right now, but relegating a champion to being just a part of someone else’s team seems insulting to the title holder (see also: Christian).  I also don’t understand why Michelle’s team doesn’t have Natalya.  She is far, FAR beyond the talent level of Jillian, Layla, and Alicia.  With Natalya and Beth, that team would basically be unstoppable.  As it stands now, Team Michelle is merely dominant, specifically because of Beth Phoenix.  And she’s going to be the difference maker in this match.  I would actually like to see the match boil down to Team Mickie vs. Beth Phoenix, and then watch Beth destroy the opposing team and win the match.  As it stands, she’ll probably just crush the competition anyway.  Team Michelle wins, and we can move on from this silly feud where cutting up clothes and calling someone a pig are the worst things you could possibly think of.

Team Morrison (Intercontinental Champion John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Evan Bourne, and Shelton Benjamin) vs. Team Miz (US Champion The Miz, Shame-us, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntiredofhimalready, and Hack Swagger)

Ah, the “Wave of the Future” elimination match.  Well, sort of, anyway.  I would bet that you noticed that I made a few creative changes to several names on this list.  It’s to signify my opinions on the performers in question.  It’s as though I’m trying to say, “You don’t deserve to be famous.  At all.  Ever.”  Those three guys on Miz’s team are such a waste of space I don’t even want to discuss them anymore.  So I won’t.  I think that what this match will come down to is, as usual, the veterans.  And with Finlay, Hardy, and Benjamin on his team, I would bet that John Morrison’s got the definite advantage.  Sure, Miz’s team is larger and less talented, but Morrison’s got guys who are actually entertaining to watch!  The Miz/Morrison feud has got a long way to go before it’s done, though, so since Miz won last month, Team Morrison wins on Sunday.  Also, I hate 3/5 of Miz’s team.

Team Kofi (Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, and ECW Champion Christian) vs. Team Orton (Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase, CM Punk, and William Regal)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  CM Punk is a 3-time World Heavyweight Champion.  Now, he’s getting cigarettes and booze dumped on his face by R-Truth and is relegated to being a part of someone else’s Survivor Series team.  I also don’t approve of Christian, another champion, being on someone else’s team.  Sure, having him in the match with Regal makes perfect sense.  But why not take someone else, like Yoshi Tatsu, and stick him on Kofi’s team?  And then have an ECW Title match on the card?  Whatever.  This will be the best elimination match of the show by far, because it’s going to get Kofi pushed to the next level of competition.  Unlike the other two matches, there is no guarantee that one team will gain a major advantage over the other.  Kofi has Mark Henry, sure, but Orton’s team is crafty and loves to break the rules whenever possible.  But, when everything is said and done, Team Kofi will pick up the victory and push Kingston closer to that main event status.  Meanwhile, Randy Orton will probably continue his downward spiral and let Dibiase and Rhodes take the helm for a while.

Batista vs. Rey Mysterio

Heel Batista is preferable to face Batista, but it’s still just Batista.  He was never a great performer, whether you’re talking about inside the ring or on the mic.  But the one thing that Rey always does is make his opponent look like a million bucks.  I’ve always said that a match they had a couple of years back was, by far, the best match with Batista involved I’ve ever seen, simply because Rey can make Batista actually look like the monster Vince thinks he’s been all this time.  Rey’s work and selling are second to none, and he’ll make Batista look a hell of a lot better than Batista really is.  But what are we going to see in Rey?  Is he going to show us a new side of him?  We saw him embarass Batista two weeks ago at their contract signing, and then again last Friday night when he showed how much of a clumsy oaf Batista really is.  Maybe it’s time for a more aggressive Rey Mysterio to emerge from the child-friendly shell.  He can still be a face, obviously, but not just a pussy face (I know, that sounded dirty as hell, but you get my meaning anyway).  I would hope that WWE Creative is looking towards the future with this feud instead of the present.  Batista chasing after a win over Mysterio will be more entertaining than Dave just getting the win on Sunday and ending the feud prematurely.  So I’m going to say that Rey Mysterio wins, and continues to taunt Batista for months on end.

World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match – The Undertaker (c) vs. The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho

Until the very end of Smackdown last night, I was actually leaning towards Jericho upsetting both men and walking away with the World Title.  But with his strange actions yesterday, those feelings have been put in serious doubt.  Whenever someone steals a title, he usually won’t be winning it anytime soon.  And Show will never be a world champion again, that’s for sure.  His best days are well past him.  Taker’s being coddled right now, as is apparent from the many tag team and multi-man matches he’s been involved in since winning the World Title.  We all know he won’t be around much longer, so Vince is trying to keep him safe until Wrestlemania 26, when he’ll likely face John Cena.  Let’s face it, Taker’s actions on Monday night were just the beginning.  Hell, maybe we’ll even see a Cena heel turn as he aligns himself with the Chairman of the Board, a la Stone Cold back in the day.  It would definitely put asses in seats.  Anyway, with what happened Friday night in the books, I have to believe that The Undertaker wins and retains his title.  It’s just logical.

WWE Championship Triple Threat Match – John Cena (c) vs. HHH vs. Shawn Michaels

Guh…how dull of a main event this is going to be.  I, for one, have seen enough HHH in title matches for my lifetime.  So he’s out.  And HBK ain’t no spring chicken, so he’s out.  So is this match just going to be a vehicle to the break-up of DX?  Is this a vehicle for one of those two to turn heel?  Quite possibly, yes.  I’m just really bored of the WWE product right now.  Smackdown has been pretty bad the last month, and Raw’s not that much better.  I’m not really expecting this to be a great match, or really even a good match.  Im expecting your typical HHH and HBK match with a little Cena sprinkled in, and Cena retaining the title.

There you go.  My picks for Survivor Series.  Now, I’ve got to run, because I’ve got a D&D campaign to prepare for and two new games to unwrap and play like crasy.  Yep, I’m a huge nerd.  See you next time.

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