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I stated a while back that I was going to start doing picks for TNA PPV shows just for fun, seeing as how I don’t watch the product on account of it’s an embarassing mess of a television show and a wrestling company.  I quite simply forgot to do picks for the past few shows because, well, it doesn’t really matter.  But this is their signature PPV, and I figure why the hell not actually go ahead and do picks.  So here you go.  Remember, these are not to be taken with much seriosity in mind.

Knockouts Tag Team Championship – Taylor Wilde & Sarita (c’s) vs. The Beautiful People

Whoa, TNA has a women’s tag division?  How long have I not been paying attention to them?  Oh, right…anyway, the worst thing about this match is that it isn’t the competitors who are making the headlines, but rather the antics of one Lacy von Erich.  I’m not going to get into details, since I don’t know them, but suffice to say that she’s kind of a bitch backstage, probably because she thinks her name automatically gives her more credibility than other people.  Which I hope isn’t really the case, because it doesn’t matter who your parents were, if you aren’t talented, nobody wants you around.  Prove that you’re worthy of the legacy of the von Erich family and maybe somebody will take you seriously.  For now, let’s just say that Wilde and Sarita retain, simply because I know nothing of the other competitors.

Knockouts Championship Triple Threat – ODB (c) vs. Awesome Kong vs. Tara

ODB scares me.  Kong scares me.  Tara scares me, but in a slightly better way.  When in doubt, go with who scares you most.  And in this case, it’s Kong.  Awesome Kong wins and becomes a 57 time Knockout champion.  Or however many times she’s won it.  I don’t keep track of these things.

X Division Championship Ultimate X Match – Amazing Red (c) vs. Suicide vs. D’Angelo Dinero vs. Daniels vs. Homicide

I’ve always wondered what would happen in a Suidice vs. Homicide match…anyway, Red probably has the best chance of bringing a little prestige back to the X Division, despite the utterly pathetic way he won the title.  I actually watched a few minutes of Impact a couple of weeks ago, and saw Red’s match with Samoa Joe.  Whomever does the booking in TNA should be shot.  You can’t think of a legitimate way to have Amazing Red win the title off of Samoa Joe?  Really?  Come on, this is wrestling, where anything should be possible, but thanks to piss-poor booking, most things never even get a chance to happen.  So we get clusterfucks like their match.  Whatever.  Elijah Burke…I mean D’angelo Dinero hasn’t improved at all since he left WWE, so he’s out.  Daniels is probably still going to get punished for that DUI he received (I may not watch TNA, but I still read the news stories), and Suicide and Homicide are probably going to cancel each other out, leaving one man left.  Amazing Red retains the X Division title and maybe, just maybe, injects some energy into this flailing division.

TNA & IWGP Tag Team Championships Full Metal Mayhem Match – Booker T & Scott Steiner (c’s) vs. The British Invasion (c’s) vs. Team 3D vs. Beer Money

I have no idea what Full Metal Mayhem means, but it sounds kind of violent.  I think this is a two-fall match or a ladder match or something, so whichever team gets whichever belts is the championship team.  I have no idea, really.  Booker and Steiner need to just retire.  Their best years are far behind them.  3D is probably going that way soon as well.  That leaves the other two teams.  People have been raving about Beer Money for quite some time now, so they’ll probably win something, and The British Invasion has a gladiator, so they have to win something.  I think the Brits are the IWGP champs, so let’s say they retain their titles, and Beer Money wins the TNA tag titles.  Why not?

Legends Championship Triple Threat – Kevin Nash (c) vs. Eric Young vs. Hernandez

I believe I also saw Nash’s match a couple of weeks ago against whomever it was.  He, of all people, needs to retire most of all.  He can’t move around in the ring AT ALL.  It’s kind of embarassing to put a title on a guy who can’t even do a proper Irish Whip.  But this is TNA, where nothing makes sense and every old guy wins!  EY and Hernandez will cancel each other out, and Nash will retain, because neither Young or Hernandez will ever get a fair shake in TNA, ever.

Monster’s Ball Match – Abyss vs. Mick Foley

I’ve said from the first time I saw Abyss that he was a Mick Foley ripoff.  This was a couple of years ago, mind you.  I still didn’t watch TNA, but what little of it I DID see, I realized this.  Not to take anything away from Abyss, as he’s got the hardcore balls to do some crazy shit.  Not quite Mick Foley deathmatch crazy, but crazy nonetheless.  Foley, on the other hand, is too old to be really good anymore.  He really shouldn’t be doing any hardcore matches at this point in his career, as he could suffer severe injuries that could actually cripple him.  Abyss is still (relatively speaking) young, so his poor body can withstand a few more hardcore matches.  I wouldn’t be at all surprised to see Foley win simply so he can have one more win on his resume.

Submission Match – Samoa Joe vs. Bobby Lashley

Lashley was one of my favorite WWE wrestlers back in 2006-2007.  Then he never really improved beyond that point, and never really learned to sell properly.  Then he leaves WWE, says he wants to start an MMA career a la Brock Lesnar, has a couple of fights, then moves to TNA but says he wants to continue his MMA career concurrently.  Too much on your plate, sir.  Pick a career path and follow it.  If you want to try to tread the thin line between wrestling and MMA, you can sure try.  But nobody’s going to like or respect you.  Wrestling fans will hate you because you’re risking your health in MMA, and MMA fans will hate you because you’re participating in a fake sport.  It’s a no-win situation.  Oh, right, the match.  Lashley has no submission holds I know of, so Samoa Joe wins by default.

Kurt Angle vs. Matt Morgan

Angle needs to disappear, and Morgan has never shown me anything the least bit impressive (what little of his matches I’ve seen).  So this match means nothing to me.  I’ll say Morgan wins, simply because I think the TNA brass thinks he’s the future of the company.  Which I’m sure is what Vince McMahon thought of him four years ago.  Whoops.

TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ Styles (c) vs. Sting

All the IWC bitching and moaning finally got through to TNA, and they made Styles their champion after years of embarassing skits and gimmicks.  I know why he deserves the title.  I’ve watched a few of his matches, and he is really phenomenal.  But this title reign feels strangely like that of Christian’s current ECW Title reign.  It’s almost as though the major champion of the brand isn’t the main focus of the show.  It’s strange, really.  You would think that the guy holding the most important piece of hardware on TV would be higher in profile, but it just doesn’t seem that way.  Still, Styles is a very deserving champion, and I for one am glad he took it away from Kurt Angle back whenever that was.  Anyway, I’m betting 2010 is the year of retirement, and Sting will be one of those guys.  He doesn’t need another title reign, just like I said that the Undertaker didn’t need another title reign.  But apparently WWE brass didn’t hear me.  I’m betting most other people will agree with me that Sting doesn’t need any more big wins in his career.  He’s done enough.  AJ Styles retains his title and moves on to bigger and better things.

Well, there you have it.  My first ever TNA picks.  I hope you’ve enjoyed this not-entirely-taken-seriously post.  I may do them more often if you liked it.  And you’re getting another picks column next week with Bragging Rights.  Or, as some people are calling it, Team Raw vs. Team Who?  I’ll see you when I see you.

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