Skip navigation

First, I’d like to issue a fond farewell to Captain Lou Albano, who passed away recently.  You entertained me during my youth as Mario on the Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and for that I am eternally grateful.

Now, on to today’s topic.  Let it be known that the best ideas always come after the moment has passed.  The same evening I wrote column #50, I thought up this idea.  It would have provided a nice celebration for having written 50 of these.  You know how everybody and their mother has, at some point, thought about their “dream card?”  Where you take all of your favorite wrestlers and put them together in one enormous supershow dedicated entirely to your enjoyment?  We’ve all made them.  Well, I thought, why not turn that idea on its ear and make your Nightmare Card, where every match is an abomination and a travesty in your eyes.  I think it’s a fun idea, especially to see who other people have deemed unworthy of a career in wrestling.  So, without further ado, here is my Nightmare Card!

(A quick note about this card: for the purposes of creating this card, I am vacating any championships I feel need to be vacated, and there are no brand restrictions, so as to create maximum disappointment.)

Opening bout – Rosa Mendes vs. Brie Bella vs. Nikki Bella for the Women’s Championship

Everyone knows that Rosa is gawd-awful in the ring, and the Bellas have no charisma to speak of whatsoever.  So this is a lose-lose for pretty much everybody who watches it.  I will say now that most of these matches will have to be fairly lengthy, since there aren’t too many matches.  So this will go on for a good 10-12 minutes of agonizing botches and ugly missed spots, ending with probably another botched finisher (much like Melina’s Divas title win over Jillian on Raw) and having Rosa Mendes win the now entirely worthless Women’s Championship.  What a way to start a show.

And to further the torture of the fans…

Layla vs. Jillian Hall for the Diva’s Championship

I know that basically nobody watches WWE programming to watch women compete in bouts of athleticism and whimsy.  They go for the T&A.  So why not give them the opposite of that?  Layla has improved in the ring, but she’s still about as entertaining as a week old bowl of Campbell’s tomato soup, and Jillian…well, I don’t really have to explain my reasoning here, do I?  Anyway, because this is my Nightmare Card, where the least deserving people win, I’m putting Layla over to become the entirely pointless Diva’s Champion.

Believe me, it actually gets worse from here.

Sheamus vs. Batista

This is your absolutely perfect example of what I’m betting Vince McMahon wishes his company could be like.  Two bodybuilders fighting each other in tiny underwear, not entertaining a goddamn person outside of him.  But he doesn’t care, because he owns the company, and only his opinion matters.  Anyway, these two guys do have one thing in common: they both have excellent music.  Actually, they have one other thing in common: they’re both terrible in the ring.  It’ll be an ugly-fest to watch these two.  And, because it’s my nightmare, Batista buries yet another younger competitor.

Now for the world title matches…

ECW Championship – Chavo Guerrero vs. Hornswoggle

In WWE’s version of Eric Young vs. Robert Roode, it’s “THE FEUD THAT WILL NOT DIE!”  Except this time, a title is on the line.  And not the Cruiserweight Title.  Oh, no, my friends.  The two least extreme competitors in WWE are facing each other for the ECW Championship.  While I realize that Chave is a former ECW Champion, it only bears a quick mention as he’s obviously not going to win it back.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Hornswoggle wins to become the NEW ECW Champion.  Good lord.

There will then be a 15 minute ceremony to retire the Unified Tag Team Championships, thereby banishing tag team wrestling from WWE forever.

World Heavyweight Championship Fatal Four Way – Mike Knox vs. Carlito vs. Ezekiel Jackson vs. Tyler Reks

ARGH!  My eyes!  They’re burning!  What an awful collection of “talent” we’ve got assembled here, folks.  A fat guy, a weeping willow, a roided-up freak, and a no-talent airhead.  Knox’s appearance has caused many people to write him off as a talent, and they’re all correct.  He hasn’t improved in the ring in months, and he honestly should have been fired after the whole steroid debacle a couple of years back that more than likely caused him to look like an out-of-shape lumberjack.  Carlito hasn’t improved in years, and his hair has turned from springy and fun into what I can only describe as a weeping willow.  He hasn’t entertained a soul in about three years, and doesn’t deserve any titles, let alone a contract with anyone.  Ezekiel…if you need any explanation as to why he doesn’t deserve a title of any kind, you’re an idiot.  But if you want proof, watch his match with Goldust from ECW this past Tuesday night, and you’ll understand.  And Reks…he’s had the most lukewarm start to his career since Scotty Goldman and Braden Walker, only he’s less talented inside the ring.  Yeah.  So, expect a 15 or so minute suckfest with the least deserving man winning.  That’s right: Ezekiel Jackson wins the World Heavyweight Championship and proceeds to embarass the company with his total lack of skill.

And now, the Main Event!

WWE Championship Iron Man Match – The Great Khali vs. Hack Swagger

I had to put my two least favorite guys in the main event, didn’t I?  So there you have it.  Everyone knows why Khali should never enter a wrestling ring for the rest of his life.  And I’ve been railing on Swagger for months now, and nobody seems to listen.  People actually enjoy watching his matches, and that boggles my mind.  Wake up and smell the bullshit!  He’s barely talented in the ring, has no sense of wrestling psychology, and can’t cut a promo without everybody making fun of his speech impediment.  He doesn’t exactly have any charisma, either.  I do hope that more people come around and see the truth.  He really doesn’t deserve to be famous by any means.  But, as stated before, since this is my Nightmare Card, it’s pretty obvious who’s going over here.  Hack Swagger wins the WWE Championship, and I stop watching WWE programming altogether.

And there you have it.  The worst card I can think of right now.  I had thought of the main event a few days ago, but most of the rest was thought up as I wrote.  Though that last sentiment I expressed is entirely true: if Swagger ever wins a world title, I’ll stop watching their programming, because it would show that Creative clearly has their collective head screwed on wrong.  The only thing that could make this show worse was if it was Wrestlemania, and The Undertaker was involved in the main event, and was pinned by Swagger, ending his undefeated streak and forcing him to retire.  I would just boycott WWE for good if that happened.  Hell, I’ll boycott them if Taker ever loses at Wrestlemania.  I’m dead serious.

Okay, that’s it for me.  I’ll be back sometime.  And feel free to create your own Nightmare Card.  I’d enjoy seeing what other people think about when they think of wrestlers they hate.  Until next time!


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: