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Wow.  This may have been one of the worst shows I’ve seen in a while.  Too much hype, not enough delivery.  Yes, the main event delivered wonderfully.  But the rest of the card was “meh” at best, and disastrous at worst.  Let’s go through the show, shall we?

Rey Mysterio defeated Dolph Ziggler to retain the Intercontinental Championship – I really should have seen this coming.  First match, my prediction is wrong.  But that’s okay.  The match itself was decent.  Better than I was expecting, that’s for sure.  As I said in my last post, Ziggler’s soured on me as of late.  He’s not evolving and improving as a competitor.  He’s just kind of wavering right around the same talent level he was at months ago when he started on Smackdown.  WWE absolutely made the right move to keep the title on Mysterio.  He really deserves a long run as a titleholder after putting up with so much shit over the years.  The sad thing is that this was the best match until the TLC match, so WWE was right in putting this match first.

MVP defeated Hack Swagger – Their promo before the match was better than the actual match.  I was thoroughly impressed by MVP’s mic skills, which have been lacking in recent weeks.  It shows that if he reall commits, he can talk with the best of them.  He was badass in the interview, and owned Swagger with words, then proceeded to own Swagger in the ring.  Though I really wish MVP would go back to using the Drive By Kick instead of the Playmaker.  The Playmaker looks awkward and takes too long to set up for a finisher, whereas the Drivy By Kick can come at any moment.  I seriously hope that this win boosts MVP’s stock to where he’s within reaching distance of main event status.  The match was typical Hack Swagger fare, but MVP showed some really impressive athleticism, with the flying crossbody onto the floor.  That was awesome.  Keep your eye on MVP.  He’ll be a champ again soon.

Chris Jericho and The Big Show defeated Cryme Tyme to retain the Unified Tag Team Championship – If the new music didn’t clue you in, Jericho and Show are going to be together for a long time.  And they’ll be champs for that entire time.  I must say that the new theme song is a vast improvement over their horrible mix of their two individual songs that they’ve used for the past couple of weeks.  Definitely a step in the right direction.  And when you make a new theme song for a tag team that used to be two established singles competitors, you know they’re going to be around for a while.  I think the new theme song will give them at least six more months as tag team champs.  The match was decent, but nothing special.  JTG continues to improve and impress me, and I’d expect him to start wrestling more singles matches in the near future.  Shad…well, he’ll probably just fade away.

Kane defeated The Great Khali – I loved it when JR mentioned that this match was sponsored by Dick Weber.  He’s a former professional bowler, for those who don’t know.  Yep, this match began a long swing of increasingly bad matches.  It wasn’t BAD bad, per se, but it was about as good as Khali can muster, which isn’t very good at all.  He really needs to retire already.  There are no championship prospects for him, and all he does is weigh down his opponents and drag them into ugly, slow matches that no one finds entertaining.  Kane somehow manages to pin Khali clean…sort of.  And as far as picks go, I’m 1 for 4 so far.  Not looking so good.

DX defeated Legacy – Again, I really shouldn’t be so bold in my predictions.  Sometimes I get a little too analytical and psych myself out and think that there’s this huge conspiracy regarding WWE politics.  I should just make the obvious picks and walk away with a winning record.  But I have to be ballsy and pick against the grain, and I’m usually wrong.  Oh, well.  I should have known that this was going to be THE most predictable match on the card.  But I couldn’t have predicted how dull it was going to be.  And the interference…the ref had no control over the match at all.  Dibiase and Rhodes were just running around the ring like it was a Tornado match, and HHH and HBK were no saints.  Such a waste of time.  And the most obvious outcome of the year so far.  I no longer care about DX.  And I’m going to have a really difficult time trying to believe Rhodes and Dibiase are ever going to be reputable competitors ever again, either in singles or tag team action.

Christian defeated William Regal to retain the ECW Championship – Do I even have to bother ranting about this?  Who am I kidding?  Of course I must.  Ahem…(warning: excessive profanity to follow)

NINE FUCKING SECONDS?  YOU BUILD THIS MATCH FOR TWO WEEKS AND GIVE US NINE MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS?  HAVE YOU NO SHAME, YOU STUPID COCKSUCKERS IN THE BACK.  YOU’RE FURTHER BASTARDIZING A TITLE THAT USED TO MEAN SOMETHING.  NOW IT’S JUST POINTLESS, AND YOU CAN’T GIVE A MAJOR TITLE MORE THAN TEN GODDAMNED SECONDS ON ONE OF YOUR BIG FOUR MAJOR PAY PER VIEW SHOWS?  YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME.

Come on, man.  I had to stop watching the show, because I was so pissed off that we didn’t even get a Regal Special match I couldn’t stand to watch anything involved with Vince McMahon for a while.  It angered me, as you probably can tell by the pile of bold, all caps text just above.  I bet the fans who came to see Christian and/or Regal were royally pissed as well.  If I was at that show, and had bought some type of beverage, I would have thrown it in the general direction of the ring.  Sure, I would have been thrown out, but if I come to see someone, anyone, in particular, I expect them to get AT LEAST five minutes in the ring.  I’m sick and tired of these ten second matches on PPV shows.  It’s a waste of time, money, and it also wastes the last however many weeks of build you’ve given this feud.  WWE’s going to have to do a lot to redeem itself for this atrocious oversight.

Randy Orton defeated John Cena to retain the WWE Championship – This match is the truest definition of clusterfuck I’ve ever seen.  The match lasted about 20 minutes, and the last seven or eight were just confusing and stupid.  And it didn’t help that Lillian screwed up the announcements.  The match wasn’t even great up to that point, but the DQ, Lillian’s botching of the announcement, Orton’s walk off, Lillian’s added botch of the next announcement, the illegal pin, the restart of the match, the fan run-in (which, it turns out, was a work, as it was Ted Dibiase’s brother, Brett, acting as the disgruntled fan who attacked the ref (but considering how stupidly this match had been playing out, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was an actual fan)), and THEN the quick RKO and pin, made for such an ugly last 1/3 of the match that it left an awful taste in my mouth.  At this point I was just getting sick of watching such stupidity play out on television.  I do believe I’d been angry/irritated/disappointed with Summerslam for over an hour at this point, and nearly just gave up and didn’t watch the TLC match.  But I soldiered on, determined to watch at least one good match on the card.

Oh, and I’m 3 for 7 in picks.

CM Punk defeated Jeff Hardy to become the NEW World Heavyweight Champion – Yeah, if you didn’t see this coming, you’re either a total mark or just foolish.  Though there honestly were times where I thought that neither man was going to win.  But I have to hand it to these two: they made an awful PPV just a little bit better.  Sure, it was your standard fare spotfest/garbage wrestling, but the facial expressions of both Punk and Hardy made this match entertaining.  Watching Punk superplex Hardy onto a ladder, then watching Punk writhe in pain after HE lands on the ladder too was just a great moment.  These two sold their asses off, and it culminated in what I must say is one of the biggest spots since Mick Foley got tossed off the Hell in a Cell cage.  Jeff Hardy jumping off a 20 foot ladder onto Punk, who’s laying on the ECW announce table (boy, they really didn’t catch a break at all this show, huh?), and hitting a Swanton Bomb will probably live on as one of those iconic moments in WWE history.  Just the image of Hardy standing at the very top of the ladder, getting ready to jump, will live on in my memory for a while to come.  But then the match just kind of ended, with Punk knocking Hardy off a ladder with a kick.  Lame.  I know that trying to top the 20 foot Swanton was going to be pretty much impossible, but you’ve at least got to involve a table or three in the final ladder spot.  Anyway, Punk wins again, becomes a 3-time champion, and then the gong hits.  And all I’m thinking is, “Great, they’re passing over John Morrison AGAIN.”  The lights come back on, Undertaker’s laying where Hardy was a few seconds ago, and he chokeslams Punk.  Whoop de fucking do.  So we’re getting a Taker/Punk program.  So much for Morrison becoming a world champion in this calendar year.

This PPV was severely lacking.  In entertainment.  Being a huge nerd, during several matches I was rolling up ability scores for nonexistent Dungeons and Dragons characters.  Then I just started rolling dice.  This happened in probably half of the matches on the card.  If I had bought this show, I would have asked for my money back.  Blech.  I almost don’t even want to bother watching Raw.  But I hold out hope that MVP will get his chance finally.

Now, on an entirely different BWAHHH? moment, it appears that The American Dragon Bryan Danielson has signed a contract with WWE.  Color me surprised.  I had thought that Danielson was one of the last bastions of indy wrestling, and I’d also read he was training for MMA.  Then he turns around and signs with WWE?  I just hope that they utilize his immense talent in the ring and don’t squander him like the did with Colt Cabana and so many other guys over the years.  What few matches of his I’ve seen, I’ve been utterly blown away.  I pray that WWE doesn’t force him into developmental for a year just so they can break his spirit and make him conform to Vince’s ridiculous idea of what wrestling should be.  Let him go straight to Raw or Smackdown, feud with Punk or Bourne, and get him going right away.

I, for one, would probably die if I saw a Danielson/Morrison match.  Until that happens, I’ll be waiting patiently for Bryan Danielson to become the next great star.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now.  If you want to watch Summerslam, do yourself a favor and just watch the TLC match.  The rest of the card isn’t worth its weight in cow shit.  See you later.

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