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Well, it’s nearly midnight, and I figure it’s best I get my Summerslam picks out of the way more than a couple of hours before the actual show itself.  The card itself is pretty “meh,” so I certainly won’t be purchasing it.  I will, however, acquire it by other means…Anyhoo, let’s get on with the picks.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

It’s well-established that Khali’s hands are harder than steel.  So logically he could knock Kane out with one punch and win the match.  But that would be too easy.  No, this will be one of those generic filler matches that is on the card to fill time and end a rather pointless feud that somehow has been going on ever since The Bash.  Yet nothing’s happened besides Kane backing away about a half dozen times, then kidnapping Ranjin Singh, revealing to the world that Singh and Khali are “brothers” (way to go, you ripped off every soap opera ever), and “proved he wasn’t afraid” by constantly grabbing steel chairs to fight Khali with and ambushing Khali in the boiler room and beating Khali senseless with a pipe.  Way to go, Kane.  Your character has taken a huge hit.  I no longer believe that you’re as dangerous as you used to be.  Oh, there’s a match?  It really doesn’t matter who wins, because the fans are going to lose out in the end when we’re treated to the slowest match since the great Molasses vs. Honey Drip-Off of 1885.  Khali wins by DQ, just because Kane can’t keep his hot little hands off those steel chairs.

MVP vs. Hack Swagger

I had initially made a typo with Mr. Swagger’s first name, but I like it this way now, seeing as how he is a hack and all.  Anyway, this feud had a hot start, with MVP’s real life being brought up by Hack, about MVP being in prison for a while, and MVP countering that he did his time and that he’s made changes in his life.  Then it disappeared from TV only to resurface on Raw in a 45 second non-match.  This could have been built so much better over the last four weeks, but WWE once again dropped the ball on a potentially entertaining feud that would benefit both men.  To be frank, they’ve really dropped the ball on MVP in general.  I had figured by now he’d be getting title shots against Randy Orton, seeing as how HE was the guy who came out his first night on Raw and basically tore Orton a new one.  But then he lost the US Title and, subsequently, any and all momentum.  Now he’s forced to basically be a gatekeeper despite never really being very high up on the food chain to begin with.  And I honestly cannot see why WWE is still pushing Swagger this much.  The guy is god-awful to watch, both in the ring and on the mic.  He’s grating and doesn’t know how to work a match.  His only accolades are that he’s a former All-American amateur wrestler.  And he barely uses that at all in the ring.  But, as we all know, the best guys usually get tossed under the bus in favor of some big musclehead or a former amateur wrestler who had no other prospects.  Sigh.  Hack Swagger wins, and probably moves into a program with Kofi Kingston for the US Title.  I pray he doesn’t win.

DX vs. Legacy

There are rumors that this match is going to end Summerslam.  I pray it does not.  If any match should end Summerslam, it’s TLC.  Anyway, this non-feud became a feud when Legacy ruined DX’s return last Monday, and I really enjoyed it.  Of course, what that means in regards to Summerslam is a bit tough to decipher.  Before that attack, I knew that DX was going to win, hands down.  Now, I’m not so sure.  I mean, yes, Dibiase’s got a movie to promote, and unless he’s playing Jacob Goodnight in See No Evil 2, he’s going to get a brand new face turn.  Whether or not that begins at Summerslam is still up for debate.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Legacy wins, though I bet it will take a hell of a lot to get through DX after DX was upstaged on Raw.  HHH is going to get into angry mode, and HBK will just be HBK, only not so silly.

And here come the championship matches!

Unified Tag Team Championship – Chris Jericho & The Big Show (c’s) vs. Cryme Tyme

This has quietly become the second best built feud of Summerslam.  In the typical mark’s eye, this could actually go either way, with JTG getting a huge win over Jericho a couple of weeks ago.  But Jericho and Show have won the last two meetings.  On paper this could be the sleeper match of the night.  Cryme Tyme has great chemistry, and JTG’s got plenty of untapped potential.  Jericho and Show have shown that they are as formidable a team as anyone.  But when it all boils down, WWE needs some stability in its championship roster, and there probably won’t be a better example to go by than Jericho and Show.  They could really help liven up the ailing tag division on WWE programming, and there’s no shortage of teams willing to take them on.  I’m looking forward to Jericho/Show vs. The Hart Dynasty or Jericho/Show vs. Kozlov/Ezekiel.  Yes, that second one would be god-awful and ugly as sin, but the mark in me wants to see it happen.  Anyway, Jericho and Show take the victory, and move on to their next victims, whomever they may be.  Perhaps Mark Henry and Evan Bourne…?

Intercontinental Championship – Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

My opinion regarding Ziggler has dipped rather significantly the past few weeks.  His act has gotten rather dull rather quickly.  He rarely mixes up his matches at all.  They feel like I’m watching the same match over and over and over and over and…what was I talking about?  Oh, right, this match.  Summerslam should have been built better, kind of as a night of changing of the guard for certain positions within WWE.  I would have thought that this was one of those moments, but I’m not so confident about Ziggler’s abilities, both in-ring and on the mic, now that we’ve basically seen the exact same act for a month straight.  But I’m sure no one at WWE will read this and reconsider keeping the belt on Mysterio now.  Not like they did last month at Night of Champions. Ziggler will likely win and gain his first ever singles title.  Though I don’t think he’s ready for it yet.

ECW Championship – Christian (c) vs. William Regal

Who else wants to bet that Kozlov and/or Ezekiel get involved in this match somehow?  Christian hasn’t had enough of a title reign yet to really give the belt away yet, and as much as I want to see Regal with gold around his admittedly pudgy waist, I don’t think it’s going to happen on Sunday.  It SHOULD happen someday.  Just not this Sunday.  I’m still expecting an entertaining match with a true clash of styles (and no, that wasn’t a pun or a dig on AJ Styles), and it’ll probably be a Regal Special (5 minutes of awesome).  So we’ll be treated to Regal pummeling Christian for four minutes, followed by a quick comeback, perhaps some botched interference, and a win and title retention by Christian.

WWE Championship – Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena

There seriously needs to be some fresh blood in the main event scene.  And the way things look like on Raw right now, more faces than heels would benefit from a main event push.  As far as this match goes, it’s been built pretty well, though the ending to Raw was really screwy, what with Cena taking and RKO, than popping up 15 seconds later to knock Big Show out of the ring with a shoulder tackle that was woefully ineffective just 10 minutes prior.  Whatever.  These two have had some pretty good clashes in the past, and they’d better pull out all the stops to compete with TLC.  But as much as it would probably help the company, I don’t see Cena winning.  There need to be some new faces at the top of the ladder, and guys like Mark Henry, MVP, and Evan Bourne are poised to jump at the chance.  And you can only have them face Randy Orton.  So, Orton wins, retains his title, and moves on to new competitors.

World Heavyweight Championship Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match – Jeff Hardy (c) vs. CM Punk

Never again would I have thought I would be able to put that little championship indicator next to Jeff Hardy’s name.  And from the looks of things, it probably won’t happen again for a while.  The deception is so thick you couldn’t cut it with a knife.  I just don’t believe Matt Hardy would have such a positive change of heart after so many months of anger and hatred.  And he wore his heel tights to the ring on Smackdown instead of his face baggy pants.  I’d bet there’ll be interference on Matt Hardy’s part, to aid Punk in winning his third WHC.  And if Jeff is going to be taking time off, as he was rumored to have wanted to do since last month, then this match should be one hell of a barn-burner.  I’m looking forward to some crazy spots, lots of garbage wrestling, and some tables being broken.  How about Punk carries Hardy up a ladder, does a GTS with Hardy’s head hitting the top of the ladder, Hardy falling through two tables in the ring, and Punk grabbing the title to end the night?  Wouldn’t that be a great image to end Summerslam?  I think it would.  Then we can finally get Punk/Morrison Round 2: This Time, The Roles Have Been Reversed.  Punk wins.

So there you have it.  I had this crazy idea a couple of days ago, and I’m going to implement it in the very near future.  As most of you are aware, I am unimpressed, nay, uninterested, in the product known as Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.  But I read the spoilers, and I thought it would be fun to do picks for the TNA PPVs.  So, starting with their next show (whenever it is), I’ll begin to do picks for their PPVs as well.  Though I won’t be taking it very seriously.

I’ll be back in a couple of days with a Summerslam recap and pick results.  I hope I do well.  See you then.

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