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Since most of the people writing wrestling columns who have publicity usually number their entries, I figured why not do the same?  I don’t get my columns posted on a fancy website like Wrestleview (even though I did apply for the position last year but was rejected, probably because I wrote a scathing rant about how I hated Chris Jericho’s character, which was probably and still is incredibly taboo to write about, even now that I’ve grown to enjoy the character.  But I’m getting way off topic here), but hey, I might as well start numbering them for your convenience, like when you ask your friends, “Hey, did you read Rantables #54?  Oh, man, that was awesome how he (insert witticism here)?”  So, with that little bit of utter nonsense out of the way, let’s get started, shall we?  The highlight is going to be a dream card of sorts, which is an idea I’m “borrowing” from many sources, obviously, but most recently from Mike Siciliano’s blog, where he has his sons put together Supershows involving all three brands. And I thought to myself, hey, self, wouldn’t it be fun to put together your very own dream card and post it for the world to view and criticize? And I agreed with me. So later on in the post, I’ll be writing up my very own PPV Dream Card.  The only restrictions are that I will use current champions, injured wrestlers will stay injured, and the brands will stay seperate (except for the Tag Titles).  But let’s get to Smackdown and Raw first.

I have to give major props once again to the future World Heavyweight Champion, John Morrison.  The guy wrestles a 10-12 minute awesome-fest with Tyson Kidd, then turns around and has a 25 minute title match with Jeff Hardy.  I know that die-hard ROH-bots will exclaim that 35 minutes of wrestling is nothing, didn’t you see Samoa Joe and CM Punk go for sixteen hours back in 2004 yadda yadda yadda.  Whatever.  In this day and age, that’s damned impressive.  Sure, he lost the title match to Hardy in what I must say wasn’t quite the quality I was expecting from these two.  I think it had something to do with pacing.  It just seemed off.  I mean, these guys had a hell of a feud a few years back over the Intercontinental Title, so I’d bet that if Hardy stays past Summerslam, these two could reignite their feud and make crowds go home happy.  Let’s see…what else about Smackdown…well, we’ve got a Tag Team Titles match between Jerishow (I saw the sign on Raw) and Cryme Tyme.  Although the outcome’s more obvious than you might think, seeing as how Jericho’s and Show’s entrance themes have already been mixed together.  And it sounds like shit, quite frankly.  I wish that tag teams of established singles competitors would just do what MizMo did and just play one entrance theme one week and the other the next week.  It’s simpler that way.  And it sounds better than mashing two entirely different tracks into one barely listenable “theme.”  UGH.  But I digress.  Cryme Tyme gets the tag title match it’s had on the shelf for about two years, but we already know who’s going to win that.  And Punk’s cashing in his rematch for this Friday?  Jumping the gun a little early, aren’t we?  I was expecting him to use it at Summerslam.  Perhaps this will leave the door open for a triple threat match, methinks (mehopes)?

Raw…I think that only the Donald Trump episode tops this one for worst of the year.  I don’t personally know Jeremy Piven, but he seemed like a huge douche throughout the show.  And not the heel douche kind of character.  He just seemed like a general douche.  And his sidekick, Ken Jeong…wow…I never wanted to reach into the TV screen and strangle someone so much as I did him.  Except, of course, for everyone on the show Toddlers & Tiaras.  I nearly gag every time I see an ad for that abomination.  But I digress.  It felt like the entire show was filler save the HHH and Cena matches.  And those were only vehicles to further their own storylines.  HHH is more than obviously bringing HBK back at Summerslam to take out Legacy, and Cena once again looked like Superman against Orton and Company.

Sidenote: I’ve noticed ever since Orton built Legacy, then trimmed it down to just Dibiase and Rhodes, that all three of them have appeared far weaker than just about everyone else in the WWE.  It’s as though none of them, even Orton, can stand on his own as a singles competitor anymore.  They require the services of at least one other in order to have any chance at winning matches anymore, especially Orton.  It’s like Orton can’t win a match these days without Rhodes and Dibiase interfering and likely causing a DQ.  I wonder if that bothers anyone else.  I certainly think it damages all three characters to a point where if they want to be legitimate singles competitors after this stable breaks up (and it will), there’s going to need to be a ton of work done in order to build them up to be anywhere near as strong as a Cena or a HHH.  I just can’t see Rhodes or Dibiase ever flourishing without each other, and I can’t fathom Orton by himself anymore.  A good stable has guys who can stand on their own, but have a common goal in mind.  Just look at Jericho and Big Show.  Yes, they’ve only been together for a couple of weeks, but they’ve shown that they can both team together and look strong AND fight by themselves and still be strong against any competitor, be it Funaki or Jeff Hardy.  I don’t have that confidence with Legacy.

Anyway, back to Raw.  Or, actually, I suppose I don’t really have anything else to say.  I loved how Jericho had to censor himself when he started calling the ref by his actual name during the Kofi/Show match, which ended about as predictably as you can imagine.  And I was a little disappointed we didn’t get a backstage Santino segment with Jeremy Piven.  But on the plus side, we got yet another Mark Henry…wait…I mean Markswoggle squash match.  He actually looks like he’s having fun out there now, which is great to see after all he’s been through over the last ten or so years.  I hope he gets a couple of WWE Title matches soon.  Not to win, mind you.  But just to have them.

Okay, enough recapping jibber-jabber.  It’s time for THE RANTABLES PAY-PER-VIEW DREAM CARD.  Now, I didn’t plan much of anything out for this, but I do know one thing: this PPV is going to be called Stip-o-Mania, because I can’t get enough of them!  It could also be called ELIMINATOR because there are going to be a lot of multi-man elimination matches.  In fact, I bet all of these are going to be elimination matches.  There are going to be a lot of title matches on this card, so be prepared for a lot of title changes.  Oops…did I just give some results away?  It matters not.  Here we go!

First match will be a six-man interpromotional match featuring two titleholders.  This will be a high-flying affair, or what could also be described as a “spot-fest.”  It will be Rey Mysterio, Evan Bourne, and Kofi Kingston taking on Dolph Ziggler, Shelton Benjamin, and the debuing Low Ki!  Or Kaval, or whatever his name is now.  Expect a ton of high-octane offense from the faces, a lot of hard strikes from Ki, and some screen time for Ziggler and Benjamin as they hone their craft more and more on a live stage.  Elimination rules apply, so bet on Ziggler, Benjamin, and Kofi to get eliminated at some point.  I’ve heard rumblings of a Rey/Low Ki feud, so I’d like to get some inklings of that with this match.  Perhaps Ki eliminates Bourne, then takes Rey to the limit before Rey somehow pulls off the victory.  Or Ki wins, and we set the stage for a long series of crazy matches between the two, culminating in a Low Ki title win.  But I’m thinking far down the line.  For now, let’s have the heels win this, but Ki being the only man not eliminated.

The next match will likely be the only one-on-one match of the night, but it should be fun anyway.  A No Holds Barred match between Primo and Carlito to settle their ridiculous feud once and for all.  We know Carlito’s used weapons before, but what we really need to know is can Primo hang with his brother when tables, ladders, and chairs are involved?  The answer, of course, is yes.  I realize that most of these matches are skewed towards my own personal bias, but that’s why it’s a dream card.  So Primo whips Carlito’s ass with a variety of weapons and gets the victory, sending his older brother back to Puerto Rico with his tail between his legs.

Next is going to be a battle royale to unify the two women’s championships.  We’ll go ahead and put all of the ladies in this match.  Just a little T&A to satisfy the guys in the audience before the really serious matches start up.  All of the non-deserving ladies get tossed early, and let’s narrow it down to, say, Melina, Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, and Michelle McCool.  McCool gets tossed first, because she’s only champion thanks to her relationship with The Undertaker.  The Beth gets tossed because she hasn’t shown any improvement since she started on TV.  And we’re down to Mickie and Melina.  Actually, once it’s down to two, we’ll have a regular match to determine the Unified Women’s Champion.  These two can have one hell of a match against each other, I bet, and the guys will love it.  In the end, because it’s my card and my show, Melina wins and takes home the gold.  And, like the Tag Team Titles, the Women’s title can be defended on all three brands, so we can have more Melina/Mickie matches as well as Melina/Gail Kim matches and…well, there really aren’t any other women capable of holding their own in this man’s humble opinion.

Speaking of the Unified Tag Team Titles, let’s bring back an old favorite: Tag Team Turmoil!  But let’s add the Tornado stip to it.  So we’ve got the Quadruple T Match.  Yes, that’s an original concept, and WWE can feel free to take it so long as they credit me with the idea, which, as we all know, they won’t.  Anyway, this match is going to have Jericho and Show defending their titles against Cryme Tyme, Legacy, and The Hart Dynasty.  Overly heel, I know, but it’s Tornado and Turmoil style, so everyone in the ring at the same time, and everything’s legal.  I’d expect a lot of violence in this match, even though 3/4 of the competitors have never really been in any type of hardcore situation.  But I’d bet that Kidd and Smith could hold their own.  Have Cryme Tyne be the sacrificial lambs, then take Legacy out of the picture (because of what I said earlier, I don’t think they’ll ever be tag title material), and have a fun little match between the present and the future of wrestling as we know it.  I hate how The Hart Dynasty has been booked since moving to Smackdown, so I’m changing it here and now.  The Hart Dynasty wins and becomes Unified Tag Champs, and proceed to mow through the competition for the next year and a half, even challenging Demolition’s reign for longest tag title reign ever.

Next is an ECW Title match.  But this is no ordinary match.  This is going to be an Extreme Rules match.  We have Christian and Tommy Dreamer, obviously, and because I love the guy, William Regal.  And because I feel like it, I’m going to stroke the egos of the ECW fanboys and bring back Rob Van Dam for (what will amount to be) one night only!  Four corner survival match rules.  Christian’s first to go, and he defects to Smackdown and turns heel.  Then, because it’s good storytelling, Regal’s gone and we’re down to RVD and Dreamer.  And, in the shocker of shockers, RVD beats Dreamer to win the ECW Title for one night.  He vacates the title, and we have a tournament over the next few weeks to determine the next ECW Champion (HINT: He’s British and is widely known as “The King of the Five Minute Match”).

Then we’ve got our WWE Championship Match.  Let’s have ourselves a good old-fashioned Six-Pack Challenge, elimination-style, of course.  We’ve got Randy Orton, John Cena, and HHH to satisfy 98% of the typical WWE audience, then stick Mark Henry in there because he deserves a title shot, and MVP, because it’s my card and he’s certainly deserving of a title shot as well, and then the return of HBK to get a nice pop from the fans and yet another guy who doesn’t do jobs (as HHH pointed out on Raw, hur hur).  And since it’s my show, I get to choose the order of elimination.  Let’s see…HHH gets taken out by Legacy (because that happens every week and I’d be remiss to not have it happen again), then Henry, Cena, and in a huge twist, HBK (surprise RKO from Orton after HBK superkicks Cena out of his boots), leaving Orton and MVP, and in the twist of the night, MVP wins the WWE Championship!  Honestly, this should have been buliding ever since MVP’s first night on Raw, when he called out Orton.  But WWE botched that, so I’m fixing their mistake for them.  And we give MVP a chance to really show what he’s got as a major champion.  Lord knows he deserves it after a six month losing streak.  Yeesh.  There are easier and quicker ways to turn a guy face.  Of course, after his win, MVP turns heel again and runs rampant through the Raw roster, proving that nobody can stop Raw’s Most Valuable Player.

Okay, now for the second-to-last match, and a feature attraction: the rebirth of the Cruiserweight Division!  Only it’s more like the X Division back in its heyday.  No weight restrictions, just seriously great competitors duking it out for a sweet belt that can be defended on all three brands.  This will be presented in battle royale format.  I know, two battle royales in one night?  You’re crazy!  Yes, I am.  But, remember, it’s my dream card.  So, here’s the list of competitors:

Chavo Guerrero, Festus (hopefully with a new gimmick that isn’t so utterly limiting), Jamie Noble, Finlay, Jesse (without his apparently new and ridiculous Slam Master J gimmick), Jimmy Wang Yang, Kane, Ron Killings, Yoshi Tatsu, Zack Ryder, and the return of The Hurricane!  Obviously, Hurricane’s going to win this, but not without some serious competition from Finlay, Kane, and…erm…Festus’ new gimmick.

Oh, I forgot one more quick match to add to this card: Mike Knox vs. Tyler Reks in a “Loser is Fired” match.  It ends in a double count-out, and both guys get fired.  For the good of the company.

And the main event of this admittedly very long evening is a TLC Match for the World Heavyweight Championship match.  Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk vs. John Morrison.  I was trying to come up with a fourth for this match so it could be a Three Stages of Hell match with the last match being the TLC match, but I can’t think of anyone.  The only logical choice is Jericho, and he’s already has his match for the night.  So let’s just stick with the TLC.  This is going to be the true barn-burner, the match to end all matches, the grestest show on earth since Taker/HBK at WM25.  Yes, it’s going to be a bit of a spot-fest, but these guys are complete pros at showing off while also entertaining the stalwarts in the crowd.  There will be several close finishes, a lot of crazy spots, and violence and pain galore, and maybe even a little blood (OMGZ YOU CAN’T HAVE BLOOD ON A TVPG SHOW!), but in the end, we’re getting a new World Heavyweight Champion.  And his name is John Morrison.  Simply put, this guy is the most complete package that WWE’s got to offer right now.  So why not have him lead the youth movement’s charge and let some of the older guys take a back seat to the wrestlers of the future?  Morrison’s the perfect guy to lead WWE into a new generation.  Will he reach Stone Cold Steve Austin or Hulk Hogan status?  Only time will tell.  And one of the only other ways you’ll be able to tell is to put the damn title on him!

I will admit that I kind of stole this match from Mike Siciliano’s son’s card.  But that was a ladder match only, not a TLC match.  Because lord knows that when you have ladders, you’ve got to have tables and chairs as well.

Well, there you have it.  A crazy nine-mach card filled with talent from top to bottom.  Except for that “Loser Gets Fired” match, of course.  Now I’d like to hear your thoughts.  Think I’m crazy?  Love the card?  Hate it?  Be sure to leave me comments.  Or, if you don’t feel like taking 15 seconds to create a WordPress account, you can send me an email at legitimate.business.inc@gmail.com

I’ll see you next time.

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