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Monthly Archives: August 2009

This has been a strange and interesting week in the world of WWE.  Let’s try to chronicle some of the many happenings.

Raw…I watched it, and have been trying to rationalize what went on, and I can’t think of a legitimate excuse for devoting hearly half of the entire show’s air-time to Vince McMahon and his birthday.  Yes, I know he’s the owner of the company, and whatever comes out of his insane head, goes.  But let’s be perfectly frank and honest here.  Regular people like you and I pay good money to go to these shows to watch our favorite competitors wrestle each other, talk to us, entertain us.  We do not pay good money to watch a 64-year-old man strut around the ring, dance with Vegas showgirls, and then PIN THE WWE CHAMPION.  Please.  Just let the professionals do their job and win without a good reason.  There’s no reason to have a 64-year-old man pin Randy Orton, no matter how many FU’s or Superkicks he’s taken.  No way.  The whole episode was just a huge ego-stroking contest.  And we all know how huge an ego VKM has.  It’s so big it fills outdoor stadiums.  And apparently he can’t stroke it himself.  So he gets audiences of 15,000+ working-class people to stroke it for him.  And what do we get in return?  The lingering burning sensation that we’ve been ripped off.  And of course, just to prove that everything he says may very well be bullshit, we’re gettin Cena/Orton AGAIN at the “new” PPV, Breaking Point.  Yay.  Except it’s an I Quit Match.  And does anyone honestly think John Cena will EVER say I Quit?  Maybe if Orton was about to punt Cena’s father.  But otherwise, expect a title change at Breaking Point (which, by the way, has a rather silly logo).

MVP and Mark Henry are getting a shot at the Unified Tag Team Titles as well at Breaking Point.  Oh joy.  It’s like the WWE writing staff is waiting until a new tag team emerges as a crowd favorite to challenge Jericho and Big Show.  And until that happens, they keep throwing mishmash tag teams under the bus while we wait for them to scramble around and come up with legitimate challengers.  Sure, you could say that MVP and Henry are legitimate contenders, what with Henry being within spitting distance of Show’s size, but really, when you mix two wresters’ theme songs together, you’re keeping that team together for a long time.  And Mark Henry really needs to switch back to the black outfit.  He looks like a giant tomato with that ridiculous red getup.  And MVP looks like a slightly smaller tomato when he wears red.  It’s just a good color for men to wear, unless it’s not the dominant color we see when they wrestle.  Like Kozlov.  He wears red tights, but they’re not detracting from his in-ring work.

How about this Hornswoggle/Chavo feud, huh?  Feud of the century, am I right?  I joke, though.  Seriously, this feud needs to die very soon, or I may just boycott Raw for giving Hornswoggle more wins than Evan Bourne.  UGH.

On the very plus side (CHAUVANISM ALERT), I enjoyed the Divas tag match a lot, mostly because they looked awesome in boxing gear.  Especiall Beth Phoenix.  Rawr.

And, of course, I can’t finish talking about Raw without mentioning Floyd Mayweather.  The guy still causes people to hate him upon sight.  Clearly, he doesn’t deserve the fame and attention he’s achieved so far.  The only thing he was good for was handing brass knuckles to MVP so he could win a match.  LAME.  And when you come out with a posse of…what was it, nine or ten guys?  It doesn’t matter.  When you’ve got ten guys, all at least twice your size, you’re obviously not as tough as you say you are.  If you want to impress me, walk down to the ring and have a staredown with Big Show, one on one.  No posse.  Just you and your little 140 pound self.  I am so fucking sick of Mayweather, I wish he would just disappear forever.

Okay, now that that train wreck is over, let’s go to ECW.  I see another feud that seemingly will never end.  Goldust and Sheamus.  Admittedly, they’re mixing up the matches fairly well.  But it’s still leaving me with a dull impression.  Sheamus is your typical musclehead wrestler, only he’s pale as a ghost and Irish.  He’s not that entertaining to watch.

So apparently we’ve got a Shelton Benjamin face turn.  I’m not sure why.  Maybe simply as another body to face Regal when he wins the ECW Title.

The main event was the match we should have gotten at Summerslam.  Well, basically, anyway.  We should have gotten 12-15 minutes of Christian and Regal beating the high holy ever-loving crap out of each other, not an eight second fluke pin.  No.  Let’s not conjure up memories of that again.  Anyway, we’ve got a submission match at Breaking Point.  And the past few weeks have been featuring the Regal Stretch, so I think it’s safe to believe that it will come into play a lot during their match.

Superstars…Hack Swagger strikes again, Paul Burchill ruins The Hurricane’s comeback, and Dolph Ziggler wins the most predictable match of the night.  I don’t feel there’s any more to say about that.

Smackdown…now there’s a show that begs to be talked about.  In one week, Smackdown has lost two of its (unarguably) most popular stars in Jeff Hardy and Rey Mysterio.  Hardy’s departure has been expected for some time, but WWE managed to squeeze a little extra time out of him before finally letting him do whatever he wants to do.  He’s basically been in the main event since he came back three years ago, so he deserves a break.  Mysterio gets suspended for a prescription drug he says he has a prescription for, but couldn’t produce in time.  So he loses 30 days and the IC Title, most likely.  And Smackdown gets to fluster for a month while Mysterio is gone, and struggle for as long as Hardy is gone.  I’m sure a lot of people wouldn’t like to admit it, but Jeff Hardy was probably the most important guy on Smackdown.  People would tune in ever week specifically to watch him.  I know that there are other wrestlers who have their own dedicated fan bases, but I doubt that there are more than a half dozen people with the fan base as dedicated as the Jeff Hardy camp.  He just clicked with the fans the way nobody else can.  It’s one of those strange occurrences that happen so rarely that trying to find a replacement will likely prove impossible until the next guy just comes along out of nowhere.  Was he as important as Stone Cold Steve Austin or Hulk Hogan?  That remains to be seen.  But when you have people honest to goodness CRYING as you make your farewell speech and walk up that ramp for what they think is the last time, you’ve truly made an impact on people’s lives.  Yes, I will miss Jeff Hardy.  I was a huge Hardy fan when he returned three years ago, and I’m still a big fan today.  Say what you will, but he was damned entertaining.

And, because this is the WWE and nothing is normal, Punk runs out and ruins one of the most heartfelt farewells we’ve seen since Ric Flair’s departure.  Why can’t we have one person leave without someone else ruining the moment?  Seriously.  They had a damn fine match.  Just let Hardy leave on top instead of ruining his last moments with his fans.  I know it helps create drama and boosts the heat on Punk.  But just let him gain his heat with his words, not his actions.  That’s how the best heels operate.  You’re hurting Punk’s character by getting this cheap heat.  Of course, now he gets to face The Undertaker at Breaking Point.  Who else bets that the Gogoplata will come into play?

I also wonder what’s going to happen to the Mysterio/Ziggler match since Rey’s suspension is to start next Wednesday.  Will they do the injury angle, or will they just do the match early and have Ziggler win it.  But if he does, who’s ready to face him?  Can they even build a mini-program in a week’s time so the match means anything?  I doubt it.  No matter the outcome, it will hurt Smackdown to lose Rey for a month.

Well, I’m out of words for now.  One can only wonder what the hell is going to happen over the next couple of weeks leading to Breaking Point.  I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see.

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Wow.  This may have been one of the worst shows I’ve seen in a while.  Too much hype, not enough delivery.  Yes, the main event delivered wonderfully.  But the rest of the card was “meh” at best, and disastrous at worst.  Let’s go through the show, shall we?

Rey Mysterio defeated Dolph Ziggler to retain the Intercontinental Championship – I really should have seen this coming.  First match, my prediction is wrong.  But that’s okay.  The match itself was decent.  Better than I was expecting, that’s for sure.  As I said in my last post, Ziggler’s soured on me as of late.  He’s not evolving and improving as a competitor.  He’s just kind of wavering right around the same talent level he was at months ago when he started on Smackdown.  WWE absolutely made the right move to keep the title on Mysterio.  He really deserves a long run as a titleholder after putting up with so much shit over the years.  The sad thing is that this was the best match until the TLC match, so WWE was right in putting this match first.

MVP defeated Hack Swagger – Their promo before the match was better than the actual match.  I was thoroughly impressed by MVP’s mic skills, which have been lacking in recent weeks.  It shows that if he reall commits, he can talk with the best of them.  He was badass in the interview, and owned Swagger with words, then proceeded to own Swagger in the ring.  Though I really wish MVP would go back to using the Drive By Kick instead of the Playmaker.  The Playmaker looks awkward and takes too long to set up for a finisher, whereas the Drivy By Kick can come at any moment.  I seriously hope that this win boosts MVP’s stock to where he’s within reaching distance of main event status.  The match was typical Hack Swagger fare, but MVP showed some really impressive athleticism, with the flying crossbody onto the floor.  That was awesome.  Keep your eye on MVP.  He’ll be a champ again soon.

Chris Jericho and The Big Show defeated Cryme Tyme to retain the Unified Tag Team Championship – If the new music didn’t clue you in, Jericho and Show are going to be together for a long time.  And they’ll be champs for that entire time.  I must say that the new theme song is a vast improvement over their horrible mix of their two individual songs that they’ve used for the past couple of weeks.  Definitely a step in the right direction.  And when you make a new theme song for a tag team that used to be two established singles competitors, you know they’re going to be around for a while.  I think the new theme song will give them at least six more months as tag team champs.  The match was decent, but nothing special.  JTG continues to improve and impress me, and I’d expect him to start wrestling more singles matches in the near future.  Shad…well, he’ll probably just fade away.

Kane defeated The Great Khali – I loved it when JR mentioned that this match was sponsored by Dick Weber.  He’s a former professional bowler, for those who don’t know.  Yep, this match began a long swing of increasingly bad matches.  It wasn’t BAD bad, per se, but it was about as good as Khali can muster, which isn’t very good at all.  He really needs to retire already.  There are no championship prospects for him, and all he does is weigh down his opponents and drag them into ugly, slow matches that no one finds entertaining.  Kane somehow manages to pin Khali clean…sort of.  And as far as picks go, I’m 1 for 4 so far.  Not looking so good.

DX defeated Legacy – Again, I really shouldn’t be so bold in my predictions.  Sometimes I get a little too analytical and psych myself out and think that there’s this huge conspiracy regarding WWE politics.  I should just make the obvious picks and walk away with a winning record.  But I have to be ballsy and pick against the grain, and I’m usually wrong.  Oh, well.  I should have known that this was going to be THE most predictable match on the card.  But I couldn’t have predicted how dull it was going to be.  And the interference…the ref had no control over the match at all.  Dibiase and Rhodes were just running around the ring like it was a Tornado match, and HHH and HBK were no saints.  Such a waste of time.  And the most obvious outcome of the year so far.  I no longer care about DX.  And I’m going to have a really difficult time trying to believe Rhodes and Dibiase are ever going to be reputable competitors ever again, either in singles or tag team action.

Christian defeated William Regal to retain the ECW Championship – Do I even have to bother ranting about this?  Who am I kidding?  Of course I must.  Ahem…(warning: excessive profanity to follow)

NINE FUCKING SECONDS?  YOU BUILD THIS MATCH FOR TWO WEEKS AND GIVE US NINE MOTHERFUCKING SECONDS?  HAVE YOU NO SHAME, YOU STUPID COCKSUCKERS IN THE BACK.  YOU’RE FURTHER BASTARDIZING A TITLE THAT USED TO MEAN SOMETHING.  NOW IT’S JUST POINTLESS, AND YOU CAN’T GIVE A MAJOR TITLE MORE THAN TEN GODDAMNED SECONDS ON ONE OF YOUR BIG FOUR MAJOR PAY PER VIEW SHOWS?  YOU FUCKING DISGUST ME.

Come on, man.  I had to stop watching the show, because I was so pissed off that we didn’t even get a Regal Special match I couldn’t stand to watch anything involved with Vince McMahon for a while.  It angered me, as you probably can tell by the pile of bold, all caps text just above.  I bet the fans who came to see Christian and/or Regal were royally pissed as well.  If I was at that show, and had bought some type of beverage, I would have thrown it in the general direction of the ring.  Sure, I would have been thrown out, but if I come to see someone, anyone, in particular, I expect them to get AT LEAST five minutes in the ring.  I’m sick and tired of these ten second matches on PPV shows.  It’s a waste of time, money, and it also wastes the last however many weeks of build you’ve given this feud.  WWE’s going to have to do a lot to redeem itself for this atrocious oversight.

Randy Orton defeated John Cena to retain the WWE Championship – This match is the truest definition of clusterfuck I’ve ever seen.  The match lasted about 20 minutes, and the last seven or eight were just confusing and stupid.  And it didn’t help that Lillian screwed up the announcements.  The match wasn’t even great up to that point, but the DQ, Lillian’s botching of the announcement, Orton’s walk off, Lillian’s added botch of the next announcement, the illegal pin, the restart of the match, the fan run-in (which, it turns out, was a work, as it was Ted Dibiase’s brother, Brett, acting as the disgruntled fan who attacked the ref (but considering how stupidly this match had been playing out, I wouldn’t have been surprised if it was an actual fan)), and THEN the quick RKO and pin, made for such an ugly last 1/3 of the match that it left an awful taste in my mouth.  At this point I was just getting sick of watching such stupidity play out on television.  I do believe I’d been angry/irritated/disappointed with Summerslam for over an hour at this point, and nearly just gave up and didn’t watch the TLC match.  But I soldiered on, determined to watch at least one good match on the card.

Oh, and I’m 3 for 7 in picks.

CM Punk defeated Jeff Hardy to become the NEW World Heavyweight Champion – Yeah, if you didn’t see this coming, you’re either a total mark or just foolish.  Though there honestly were times where I thought that neither man was going to win.  But I have to hand it to these two: they made an awful PPV just a little bit better.  Sure, it was your standard fare spotfest/garbage wrestling, but the facial expressions of both Punk and Hardy made this match entertaining.  Watching Punk superplex Hardy onto a ladder, then watching Punk writhe in pain after HE lands on the ladder too was just a great moment.  These two sold their asses off, and it culminated in what I must say is one of the biggest spots since Mick Foley got tossed off the Hell in a Cell cage.  Jeff Hardy jumping off a 20 foot ladder onto Punk, who’s laying on the ECW announce table (boy, they really didn’t catch a break at all this show, huh?), and hitting a Swanton Bomb will probably live on as one of those iconic moments in WWE history.  Just the image of Hardy standing at the very top of the ladder, getting ready to jump, will live on in my memory for a while to come.  But then the match just kind of ended, with Punk knocking Hardy off a ladder with a kick.  Lame.  I know that trying to top the 20 foot Swanton was going to be pretty much impossible, but you’ve at least got to involve a table or three in the final ladder spot.  Anyway, Punk wins again, becomes a 3-time champion, and then the gong hits.  And all I’m thinking is, “Great, they’re passing over John Morrison AGAIN.”  The lights come back on, Undertaker’s laying where Hardy was a few seconds ago, and he chokeslams Punk.  Whoop de fucking do.  So we’re getting a Taker/Punk program.  So much for Morrison becoming a world champion in this calendar year.

This PPV was severely lacking.  In entertainment.  Being a huge nerd, during several matches I was rolling up ability scores for nonexistent Dungeons and Dragons characters.  Then I just started rolling dice.  This happened in probably half of the matches on the card.  If I had bought this show, I would have asked for my money back.  Blech.  I almost don’t even want to bother watching Raw.  But I hold out hope that MVP will get his chance finally.

Now, on an entirely different BWAHHH? moment, it appears that The American Dragon Bryan Danielson has signed a contract with WWE.  Color me surprised.  I had thought that Danielson was one of the last bastions of indy wrestling, and I’d also read he was training for MMA.  Then he turns around and signs with WWE?  I just hope that they utilize his immense talent in the ring and don’t squander him like the did with Colt Cabana and so many other guys over the years.  What few matches of his I’ve seen, I’ve been utterly blown away.  I pray that WWE doesn’t force him into developmental for a year just so they can break his spirit and make him conform to Vince’s ridiculous idea of what wrestling should be.  Let him go straight to Raw or Smackdown, feud with Punk or Bourne, and get him going right away.

I, for one, would probably die if I saw a Danielson/Morrison match.  Until that happens, I’ll be waiting patiently for Bryan Danielson to become the next great star.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now.  If you want to watch Summerslam, do yourself a favor and just watch the TLC match.  The rest of the card isn’t worth its weight in cow shit.  See you later.

Well, it’s nearly midnight, and I figure it’s best I get my Summerslam picks out of the way more than a couple of hours before the actual show itself.  The card itself is pretty “meh,” so I certainly won’t be purchasing it.  I will, however, acquire it by other means…Anyhoo, let’s get on with the picks.

Kane vs. The Great Khali

It’s well-established that Khali’s hands are harder than steel.  So logically he could knock Kane out with one punch and win the match.  But that would be too easy.  No, this will be one of those generic filler matches that is on the card to fill time and end a rather pointless feud that somehow has been going on ever since The Bash.  Yet nothing’s happened besides Kane backing away about a half dozen times, then kidnapping Ranjin Singh, revealing to the world that Singh and Khali are “brothers” (way to go, you ripped off every soap opera ever), and “proved he wasn’t afraid” by constantly grabbing steel chairs to fight Khali with and ambushing Khali in the boiler room and beating Khali senseless with a pipe.  Way to go, Kane.  Your character has taken a huge hit.  I no longer believe that you’re as dangerous as you used to be.  Oh, there’s a match?  It really doesn’t matter who wins, because the fans are going to lose out in the end when we’re treated to the slowest match since the great Molasses vs. Honey Drip-Off of 1885.  Khali wins by DQ, just because Kane can’t keep his hot little hands off those steel chairs.

MVP vs. Hack Swagger

I had initially made a typo with Mr. Swagger’s first name, but I like it this way now, seeing as how he is a hack and all.  Anyway, this feud had a hot start, with MVP’s real life being brought up by Hack, about MVP being in prison for a while, and MVP countering that he did his time and that he’s made changes in his life.  Then it disappeared from TV only to resurface on Raw in a 45 second non-match.  This could have been built so much better over the last four weeks, but WWE once again dropped the ball on a potentially entertaining feud that would benefit both men.  To be frank, they’ve really dropped the ball on MVP in general.  I had figured by now he’d be getting title shots against Randy Orton, seeing as how HE was the guy who came out his first night on Raw and basically tore Orton a new one.  But then he lost the US Title and, subsequently, any and all momentum.  Now he’s forced to basically be a gatekeeper despite never really being very high up on the food chain to begin with.  And I honestly cannot see why WWE is still pushing Swagger this much.  The guy is god-awful to watch, both in the ring and on the mic.  He’s grating and doesn’t know how to work a match.  His only accolades are that he’s a former All-American amateur wrestler.  And he barely uses that at all in the ring.  But, as we all know, the best guys usually get tossed under the bus in favor of some big musclehead or a former amateur wrestler who had no other prospects.  Sigh.  Hack Swagger wins, and probably moves into a program with Kofi Kingston for the US Title.  I pray he doesn’t win.

DX vs. Legacy

There are rumors that this match is going to end Summerslam.  I pray it does not.  If any match should end Summerslam, it’s TLC.  Anyway, this non-feud became a feud when Legacy ruined DX’s return last Monday, and I really enjoyed it.  Of course, what that means in regards to Summerslam is a bit tough to decipher.  Before that attack, I knew that DX was going to win, hands down.  Now, I’m not so sure.  I mean, yes, Dibiase’s got a movie to promote, and unless he’s playing Jacob Goodnight in See No Evil 2, he’s going to get a brand new face turn.  Whether or not that begins at Summerslam is still up for debate.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Legacy wins, though I bet it will take a hell of a lot to get through DX after DX was upstaged on Raw.  HHH is going to get into angry mode, and HBK will just be HBK, only not so silly.

And here come the championship matches!

Unified Tag Team Championship – Chris Jericho & The Big Show (c’s) vs. Cryme Tyme

This has quietly become the second best built feud of Summerslam.  In the typical mark’s eye, this could actually go either way, with JTG getting a huge win over Jericho a couple of weeks ago.  But Jericho and Show have won the last two meetings.  On paper this could be the sleeper match of the night.  Cryme Tyme has great chemistry, and JTG’s got plenty of untapped potential.  Jericho and Show have shown that they are as formidable a team as anyone.  But when it all boils down, WWE needs some stability in its championship roster, and there probably won’t be a better example to go by than Jericho and Show.  They could really help liven up the ailing tag division on WWE programming, and there’s no shortage of teams willing to take them on.  I’m looking forward to Jericho/Show vs. The Hart Dynasty or Jericho/Show vs. Kozlov/Ezekiel.  Yes, that second one would be god-awful and ugly as sin, but the mark in me wants to see it happen.  Anyway, Jericho and Show take the victory, and move on to their next victims, whomever they may be.  Perhaps Mark Henry and Evan Bourne…?

Intercontinental Championship – Rey Mysterio (c) vs. Dolph Ziggler

My opinion regarding Ziggler has dipped rather significantly the past few weeks.  His act has gotten rather dull rather quickly.  He rarely mixes up his matches at all.  They feel like I’m watching the same match over and over and over and over and…what was I talking about?  Oh, right, this match.  Summerslam should have been built better, kind of as a night of changing of the guard for certain positions within WWE.  I would have thought that this was one of those moments, but I’m not so confident about Ziggler’s abilities, both in-ring and on the mic, now that we’ve basically seen the exact same act for a month straight.  But I’m sure no one at WWE will read this and reconsider keeping the belt on Mysterio now.  Not like they did last month at Night of Champions. Ziggler will likely win and gain his first ever singles title.  Though I don’t think he’s ready for it yet.

ECW Championship – Christian (c) vs. William Regal

Who else wants to bet that Kozlov and/or Ezekiel get involved in this match somehow?  Christian hasn’t had enough of a title reign yet to really give the belt away yet, and as much as I want to see Regal with gold around his admittedly pudgy waist, I don’t think it’s going to happen on Sunday.  It SHOULD happen someday.  Just not this Sunday.  I’m still expecting an entertaining match with a true clash of styles (and no, that wasn’t a pun or a dig on AJ Styles), and it’ll probably be a Regal Special (5 minutes of awesome).  So we’ll be treated to Regal pummeling Christian for four minutes, followed by a quick comeback, perhaps some botched interference, and a win and title retention by Christian.

WWE Championship – Randy Orton (c) vs. John Cena

There seriously needs to be some fresh blood in the main event scene.  And the way things look like on Raw right now, more faces than heels would benefit from a main event push.  As far as this match goes, it’s been built pretty well, though the ending to Raw was really screwy, what with Cena taking and RKO, than popping up 15 seconds later to knock Big Show out of the ring with a shoulder tackle that was woefully ineffective just 10 minutes prior.  Whatever.  These two have had some pretty good clashes in the past, and they’d better pull out all the stops to compete with TLC.  But as much as it would probably help the company, I don’t see Cena winning.  There need to be some new faces at the top of the ladder, and guys like Mark Henry, MVP, and Evan Bourne are poised to jump at the chance.  And you can only have them face Randy Orton.  So, Orton wins, retains his title, and moves on to new competitors.

World Heavyweight Championship Tables, Ladders, and Chairs Match – Jeff Hardy (c) vs. CM Punk

Never again would I have thought I would be able to put that little championship indicator next to Jeff Hardy’s name.  And from the looks of things, it probably won’t happen again for a while.  The deception is so thick you couldn’t cut it with a knife.  I just don’t believe Matt Hardy would have such a positive change of heart after so many months of anger and hatred.  And he wore his heel tights to the ring on Smackdown instead of his face baggy pants.  I’d bet there’ll be interference on Matt Hardy’s part, to aid Punk in winning his third WHC.  And if Jeff is going to be taking time off, as he was rumored to have wanted to do since last month, then this match should be one hell of a barn-burner.  I’m looking forward to some crazy spots, lots of garbage wrestling, and some tables being broken.  How about Punk carries Hardy up a ladder, does a GTS with Hardy’s head hitting the top of the ladder, Hardy falling through two tables in the ring, and Punk grabbing the title to end the night?  Wouldn’t that be a great image to end Summerslam?  I think it would.  Then we can finally get Punk/Morrison Round 2: This Time, The Roles Have Been Reversed.  Punk wins.

So there you have it.  I had this crazy idea a couple of days ago, and I’m going to implement it in the very near future.  As most of you are aware, I am unimpressed, nay, uninterested, in the product known as Total Nonstop Action Wrestling.  But I read the spoilers, and I thought it would be fun to do picks for the TNA PPVs.  So, starting with their next show (whenever it is), I’ll begin to do picks for their PPVs as well.  Though I won’t be taking it very seriously.

I’ll be back in a couple of days with a Summerslam recap and pick results.  I hope I do well.  See you then.

Thanks to my laziness, I’m just now getting caught up with last week’s and this week’s shows, as well as the news outside the arena.  So it’s time for a grab bag of topics today.

First, I have to mention Kurt Angle’s newest situation.  He gets arrested for stalking his supposed girlfriend at the time, and police find HGH in the car along with a syringe.  And instead of getting fired from TNA, he retains the title at their PPV the next day.  Sigh.  When is TNA going to snap out of their stupor and realize that Kurt Angle is NOT the be all and end all of their company?  He had his run in the spotlight, but he’s past his prime.  He’s hurting the company.  Hell, the entire Main Event Mafia is hurting, perhaps even ruining, the company.  Now, admittedly, this is mostly hearsay and my opinions are coming from the spoilers I read for Impact tapings and from a few select other columnists who actually watch TNA.  But from what I’ve heard and read, TNA has all but abandoned its lifelong employees in favor of these “legends.”  I’m going to go to TNA’s website and count the number of former WWE or WCW wrestlers they have on their roster.

23.  23 out of 63 total on-screen employees are former WWE or WCW wrestlers.  Over a third of them.  And they’re the ones getting all the pushes.  Samoa Joe is the only non-WWE wrestler with a male singles championship.  Actually, now that I think about it, the numbers should be 24 out of 64, if you include Elijah Burke…I mean The Pope D’angelo Dinero.  God, what a ludicrous name.  Anyway, TNA’s been looking more and more like garbage every week, and with a felon their world champion, I have little faith that they’re going to pull themselves out of this boondoggle without some serious negativity going their way.

Let’s see…what’s next…well, there were those vignettes on Smackdown with Kane and Ranjin Singh.  I thought they were pretty well-produced, but after the second or so, they became more disturbing than entertaining.  And the result of that entire evening?  Kane beating Khali with a pipe and yelling, “I’M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!”  Really?  If you really weren’t afraid of Khali, you would have beaten him in a bowling-shoe ugly match by now, sir.  Luring someone into the bowels of an arena only to beat them senseless with a pipe is no way to prove how manly and un-afraid you are.  Let’s just end this utterly pointless feud.  Oh, yeah, and bonus cliche points for tossing the brother angle out there.  Might as well.  Seeing as how we don’t already have ENOUGH families in WWE already (real or fake).

CM Punk beat John Morrison for the first time ever!…on Smackdown.  I love how the announce team glosses over their feud from two years ago over the ECW Championship.  Obviously, they’re doing it to gloss over the Chris Benoit tragedy, but they at least could have acknowledged that they’ve fought each other before.  On the plus side, they had a great match in what I have to believe is a precursor to their feud over the World Heavyweight Championship once Summerslam is over.

Raw was…hmmm…what can I say?  Well, Freddie Prinze, Jr. was the best celebrity guest host so far, no doubt.  Having been a former writer for ECW, he could at least hype Summerslam and not call it “Summer-fest” (nice job, Jeremy Piven…), and he knew the names of everyone, and he acted a lot better than everyone has so far.  He actually looked as though he was having a good time in the ring, talking about upcoming matches, arguing with Orton, and taking one hell of a nasty looking backbreaker.  I give Freddie major props for taking that bump.  On the negative side, I could care less about next week’s host.  Floyd Mayweather again?  I thought he was done after that ridiculous feud with Big Show last year.  Maybe Big Show will actually crush him this time.  If Mayweather brings his posse with him, I may just skip every segment involving him.

I’m reading Anthony Valvo’s column on Wrestleview while writing this, and he brought up a fantastic point that grinds my gears to no end.  Since the Trump Trade, Hornswoggle has more victories than Evan Bourne.  Someone needs to pay dearly for this.  I thought that once he was brought up to the big leagues, Bourne would get an immediate push towards the United States Championship.  Instead, we have him job to Miz in Bourne’s home town?  What on earth are you thinking, Raw writing staff?  This kid is one of your hottest prospects, and you have him job to a guy who honestly doesn’t deserve the push he’s receiving?  Shame on you.

The women’s match was pretty brutally awful, especially the finish.  Two consecutive botches followed by a running forearm for the win?  Something went horribly wrong somewhere for both Mickie James and Gail Kim to screw that up.  And you could see how utterly disappointed Mickie was with the finish of that match.  It makes me question just how well these ladies are trained.  Yes, I realize that watching women like Rosa Mendes and Layla should give me some indication of their training level, but when we’re talking about women who have been in the business for more than a year, it starts to become troubling.  On the strangely plus side, Rosa and Carlito make a not awful couple.  Mostly because of Rosa…

The end of the show was a very “…huh?” moment for me.  Cena wins the match for his team, then Orton RKO’s him, Mark Henry makes the save, Show and Jericho toss the rest of the lumberjacks out, then Cena miraculously gets up and knocks Jericho AND Show out of the ring and stands tall somehow.  What?  How did Cena recover so quickly from the RKO, especially after that grueling match with Jericho, Show, and Orton?  It made no sense.  I suppose they had to make Cena look strong for his match at Summerslam on Sunday, but that was just ridiculous.

Oh, yes, and Macauley Culkin?  Talk about random as hell.  Oh, and he looks terrible, by the way.

ECW…the return of the Hurricane.  I really hope Gregory Helms wanted to do this character again, because if he was forced into it, I would feel terrible for him.  It’s an entertaining gimmick, for sure, but I hope it doesn’t limit Helms’ potential success in the ring.  Let’s hope WWE gives Helms a real chance this time.

I’m actually getting quite sick of Abraham Washington.  He’s not entertaining.  He makes the most obvious insults to every person who appears on his show.  And his laugh is so forced it’s painful to hear.  Couldn’t he just be Ezekiel’s manager or something?

Speaking of, my mark side really marked out when the Triumverate of Terror was formed at the end of ECW.  These three would make a perfect faction to rule over ECW for a while.  Regal as the lord and master, and Kozlov and Jackson the enforcers/beater-uppers of anyone else.  And have Washington be their mouthpiece.  Go all Mouth of the South on our asses.  Now that would be fun to watch.

Well, I think that’s all I’ve got to talk about for today.  I’ll definitely be back to make my picks for Summerslam once the card is set.  And I think that I’ll start doing picks for TNA PPVs even though I don’t watch them.  I think it would be fun to try to predict what happens in a company that doesn’t know what it’s doing.  With that being said, I’m out.  See you next time.

On the heels of yet another release by WWE, I feel compelled to give the world my two cents on the latest diatribe from one Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  Just today, Nick Dinsmore, whom some of you may know better as Eugene, was rereleased today, just a few weeks after being rehired by WWE.  Why?  Who fucking knows.  But it’s a shame, because Dinsmore never got a chance to show off any talent he may have had thanks to being completely hampered by a ridiculous gimmick that wore out its welcome the day after it appeared.  To someone like me, it looks more like he was brought back simply to put The Miz, of all people, over.  Sad, really.

Anyway, the article I read last night (you can read it here at Wrestleview) stated, and I quote: “One of the most prominent things heard at WWE creative meetings from Vince McMahon is his overall frustration with the product as of late and complaining about the company’s inability to create new stars. Probably the biggest criticism the company is getting now is pushing their TV harder than PPV events in the last year or so.”

Okay.  Let’s start with the “company’s inability to create new stars.”  There are two very obvious problems with the product in terms of creating new stars.  First, the few new people that are brought up every year are, for the most part, big muscleheads that look lost during 45 second squash matches.  The extremely small number of new wrestlers with actual talent are usually smaller (relative to the prototypical WWE superstar), and, in Vince’s twisted brain, not worthy of becoming major superstars in WWE.  Because they’re not 275 pound hulking brutes, they’re not good for TV, or they’re not what the people want.  Which, quite obviously, is so far from the truth it’s basically a lie.  Personally, I watch wrestling for the athleticism and the crazy shit some of these truly talented individuals can pull off.  I would rather see a 4 star match between Edge and Jeff Hardy than three squash matches featuring 270+ pound muscleheads like Ezekiel Jackson and Sheamus.  Those aren’t entertaining.  Take ECW this past Tuesday.  In a one-hour broadcast that actually went about an hour and five or six minutes, there were FIVE matches.  FIVE MATCHES.  Normally you barely get five matches on a two-hour show.  We got basically a Shelton Benjamin face-turn squash match against Zack Ryder, a Kozlov squash match followed by the most pointless non-feud I’ve seen in a while, a very quick Burchill-Tatsu match ending in a DQ, all of which was an obvious setup for the return of the Hurricane, a Tyler Reks squash match, and a 5 minute Regal-Dreamer brawl-fest.  Three squash matches, one setup match, and one entertaining brawl.  I don’t watch wrestling for that.  I watch for the athleticism, the storytelling (both inside and outside the ring), and the few characters I can stand to watch on a weekly basis.  By promoting these no-talent bodybuilders, you’re hampering the product as a whole.  You’re not creating entertainment.  You’re creating full-contact bodybuilding contests.  And that’s something no one wants to see, ever.

The second reason these new stars aren’t emerging is because of the veterans of the company.  Now, this doesn’t apply to every veteran employed by WWE.  I’m just talking about those that have a history of problems with younger talent.  Your Shawn Michaels’, your Triple H’s, that sort of thing.  These are guys who prefer to keep themselves at the top of the company simply because they don’t know anything else.  The week before last, on Raw, when HHH was calling Shawn, and he said, “I know you don’t do jobs,” it probably gave the smarks watching a chuckle.  But if you look deeper, it’s sadly true.  Neither of these guys is ever going to put over a new talent for the good of the company, because they think THEY’RE what’s best for the company, when in reality, the main event scene on Raw has become the most stale part of all of WWE television.  We’ve had the same three guys (HHH, Cena, and Orton) at the top of the mountain basically for the past four and a half years straight.  Sure, there have been a couple of hiccups along the way (Edge, Punk, RVD), but mostly it’s been these three.  And that’s a huge problem.  When you don’t introduce new talents into the mix, things get boring.  Who could forget that disaster of a main event at WM 25?  It’s been done to death.  Vince is shooting himself in the foot by not allowing guys like MVP and Evan Bourne into the main event scene.  He’s actually contradicting what he’s supposedly said about not having new stars by pushing the same three guys over and over in some form or other.  You know how Vince loves to say, “It’s time to shake things up again!”  Well, I think it’s actually time he does what he keeps saying he’s doing.  You want a shake-up?  Put the WWE Title on MVP.  You want new stars?  Put the US Title on Evan Bourne.  Turn MVP back to a heel.  Take the vets out of the main event picture for a while.  Put Cena in a feud with a new guy he can help put over.  And just put HHH and HBK on the shelf for a while.  Maybe for good.  See how the product functions without the guys who have been holding the main event scene hostage for so long.  I’ll bet you things take a turn for the better.  I think that Smackdown’s starting to get it right.  Give pushes to the three most deserving guys on the brand, and have them feud over the World Title.  Three supremely talented guys, all with billed weights of under 230 pounds.  Think about that for a minute, Vince.  All of your champions on Smackdown (save Big Show, but he’s kind of tri-branded now anyway) are under 230 pounds.  And, yes, I realize that the same holds true for every other champion except Randy Orton, but that’s exactly my point.  Orton is played out and should take some time off to live with his family.  Let someone else take the reins and run with Raw for a while.  You saw how well Punk turned out as a heel.  Put the WWE Title on MVP and let him loose as a heel, telling everyone, “See?  I AM better than you!”  That’s gold right there, waiting to be mined.  But will it ever happen?  It’s doubtful at best.

And as far as TV getting pushed more than PPVs are cocnerned?  Well, when you have a PPV every 3-4 weeks, it kind of makes them a whole hell of a lot less special than they used to be back in the 80’s, when you had four a year and THAT’S IT.  They only came around every three months, and they had tons of build, because you had three months to build up to them.  Now, with the average amount of time between two PPVs down to less than a month, there’s no way to build that kind of tension that you could back when you had months to build.  It’s like every PPV in-between The Big Four are just filler PPVs, merely buildups to the next big show.  And guess who’s getting screwed most of all?  That’s right, the fans.  We shell out our hard-earned cash to see 3-4 weeks of build in a feud, only to find out that the same thing is going to happen again next month, only with a stipulation attached to it.  Take the current Punk-Hardy feud.  We got Punk winning the title at Extreme Rules.  Then we have their match at The Bash, where Punk gets himself DQ’ed.  Then there’s Night of Champions, where Hardy wins clean just so WWE can keep him around for another month.  NOW we’ve got (hopefully) the blow-off to this feud, and if you think that Hardy’s going to win this match, you’re delusional.  They’re building up to the major PPVs, but while they’re doing that, they’re making the fans pay an extra $200 to watch the big matches that occur during the 3-4 months between big shows.  It’s ridiculous.  What WWE needs to do (and I’ve said this before) is to cut back on the PPV shows.  You’re bleeding the fans dry by having 14 shows a year.  And American PPV rates are outrageous at best, but when you’ve got 14 shows a year at $55 a pop, plus the cost for cable to watch 3/4 of the shows you broadcast, you’re looking at thousands of dollars to keep up with a show where grown men don’t hit each other with punches and smash each other with chairs.  Come on, Vince.  Time to wake up and smell the giant shit pile that is your mindset.

So, that’s that.  I’ll be back later with more angry rants, and maybe something positive…whenever that occurs.

After watching ECW yesterday (thank science for the DVR!), I felt it was necessary to write this.  I’m sure everyone has their opinions on who they think should be pushed and who should be buried, who should rise to the top of the food chain and who should get future endeavored.  Well, hot on the heels of a somewhat subpar ECW (save the title match, which was garbage wrestling at it’s finest), and the recent firing of Brian Kendrick, I am here to present to you…

The Top 5 WWE Wrestlers I Think Should Be Released Immediately, If Not Sooner!

#5 – Ricky Ortiz.  When he first started on ECW, I actually thought he had a lot of potential.  He was a big guy, but he had some pretty cool moves he could pull off, including a wicked dropkick.  But after his first loss to Jack Swagger, he kind of lost all momentum and his push was halted entirely.  He toiled in the basement of ECW for a while, only to be drafted to Smackdown via the Supplemental Draft.  He then proceeded to stay in the basement, but instead of working his way out, he adopted a lame “motivational speaker” heel gimmick, lost the pants, and seemed to get worse in the ring somehow.  The spark I saw in his first few matches was gone, and any cool moves he’d used before were gone.  So now that he’s basically disappeared from television altogether, it’s probably time for Ortiz to look for other positions of employment.

#4 – Tyler Reks. I don’t normally pass judgment on a wrestler so quickly, but this guy has been a huge disappointment.  He LOST his first two matches, which is never a good sign, and those showings were weak at best.  But I’m being harsh here, and they were downright awful.  The guy lacks charisma, his in-ring skills are pretty pathetic, and I HATE surfers.  I’m sure at some point someone saw something in him, as he is (as far as I know) the current FCW Champion.  But he’s probably not as restricted in developmental as he is in ECW.  Still, his (I think) three matches have been subpar at best, and I don’t see him getting any better in either the short-term or the long run.  So it’s probably time to say bye to Tyler.

#3 – Ezekiel Jackson. Of all the current WWE employees, I would find it most difficult to believe Ezekiel is championship material.  Sure, he’s only had a handful of matches, but they’ve mostly been squashes, and he still manages to look lost during those.  The guy is greener than the rolling hills of England, and looks to have about as much potential for improvement as George W. Bush has of saying something intelligent.  He’s just another one of those muscleheads who’s getting a push because of his size and stature.  He reminds me a lot of Ahmed Johnson, actually.  Here’s hoping that Ezekiel follows suit and gets released soon after his debut.

Now, of the remaining two picks, I could not possibly decide which one I wanted more to be released, so I’m going to put these two men in a tie for the #1 Wrestler I Think Should Be Released Immediately, If Not Sooner!

Jack Swagger and Mike Knox

By now I’m sure you’re tired of me railing on Swagger.  But it bears constant repetition that this guy does not have what it takes to be a believable WWE superstar.  Let’s head back to Raw this past Monday.  I’ll give you two examples as to why he should be fired now.  First off, during his match with Evan Bourne, Swagger hit a kick while Bourne was on his knees that looked like an actual kick directly to the face.  It was almost as though there was some malice and forethought involved in that kick.  I’m betting Swagger was in a pissy mood ever since he lost to Bourne last week.  And I’m not talking about his character.  I’m talking about the person.  Jake Hager.  I think he’s expecting to be a future WWE Champion, and soon at that.  But he just doesn’t have the in-ring talent, the charisma, or the psychology for me to ever consider him a good, let alone a great, WWE superstar.  The second incident happened at the end of the show, when John Cena tossed Dr. Ken over the top rope and into a crowd of heels waiting to catch him.  Jack Swagger is the reason Dr. Ken landed very awkwardly right on the back of his head.  If you go back and watch, you’ll notice that Swagger got hit with Ken’s body, but instead of falling backwards onto the ground, like the other two or three guys did, Swagger let Ken’s body bounce off of him, then Swagger proceeded to fall off in another direction, leaving Ken’s head exposed and vulnerable.  And when the rest of the guys catching Ken fell really far back, Ken’s head landed on that little rubber strip between the steel entrance ramp and the padding.  I wouldn’t be surprised if Ken received a minor concussion from that.  And that’s just one evening, ladies and gentlemen.  Swagger is a danger to other performers.  He seems to hold real life grudges against the WWE characters he faces in the ring, and that’s not healthy.  He could cause more accidental injuries to other people than anyone else in the company.  And that is why he should be released.

And Mike Knox…well, you only have to look at his face to know why he needs to be fired.  Well, there’s that, and there’s his fat body, his prior steroid use, his lack of in-ring skills, his pathetic excuse for charisma, and his use of Swagger Tactics.  The only positives about Knox are his finisher and the hilarious way he flops around the ring when he’s facing a larger opponent, which isn’t very often.

So I suppose when I think about it, there really isn’t much of a tie between these two guys.  Knox is #2, and Swagger is, by far and away #1.

Well, there you have it.  I welcome any comments, as always.  I’ll probably be back over the weekend with recaps of Superstars and Smackdown.  See you then!

Since most of the people writing wrestling columns who have publicity usually number their entries, I figured why not do the same?  I don’t get my columns posted on a fancy website like Wrestleview (even though I did apply for the position last year but was rejected, probably because I wrote a scathing rant about how I hated Chris Jericho’s character, which was probably and still is incredibly taboo to write about, even now that I’ve grown to enjoy the character.  But I’m getting way off topic here), but hey, I might as well start numbering them for your convenience, like when you ask your friends, “Hey, did you read Rantables #54?  Oh, man, that was awesome how he (insert witticism here)?”  So, with that little bit of utter nonsense out of the way, let’s get started, shall we?  The highlight is going to be a dream card of sorts, which is an idea I’m “borrowing” from many sources, obviously, but most recently from Mike Siciliano’s blog, where he has his sons put together Supershows involving all three brands. And I thought to myself, hey, self, wouldn’t it be fun to put together your very own dream card and post it for the world to view and criticize? And I agreed with me. So later on in the post, I’ll be writing up my very own PPV Dream Card.  The only restrictions are that I will use current champions, injured wrestlers will stay injured, and the brands will stay seperate (except for the Tag Titles).  But let’s get to Smackdown and Raw first.

I have to give major props once again to the future World Heavyweight Champion, John Morrison.  The guy wrestles a 10-12 minute awesome-fest with Tyson Kidd, then turns around and has a 25 minute title match with Jeff Hardy.  I know that die-hard ROH-bots will exclaim that 35 minutes of wrestling is nothing, didn’t you see Samoa Joe and CM Punk go for sixteen hours back in 2004 yadda yadda yadda.  Whatever.  In this day and age, that’s damned impressive.  Sure, he lost the title match to Hardy in what I must say wasn’t quite the quality I was expecting from these two.  I think it had something to do with pacing.  It just seemed off.  I mean, these guys had a hell of a feud a few years back over the Intercontinental Title, so I’d bet that if Hardy stays past Summerslam, these two could reignite their feud and make crowds go home happy.  Let’s see…what else about Smackdown…well, we’ve got a Tag Team Titles match between Jerishow (I saw the sign on Raw) and Cryme Tyme.  Although the outcome’s more obvious than you might think, seeing as how Jericho’s and Show’s entrance themes have already been mixed together.  And it sounds like shit, quite frankly.  I wish that tag teams of established singles competitors would just do what MizMo did and just play one entrance theme one week and the other the next week.  It’s simpler that way.  And it sounds better than mashing two entirely different tracks into one barely listenable “theme.”  UGH.  But I digress.  Cryme Tyme gets the tag title match it’s had on the shelf for about two years, but we already know who’s going to win that.  And Punk’s cashing in his rematch for this Friday?  Jumping the gun a little early, aren’t we?  I was expecting him to use it at Summerslam.  Perhaps this will leave the door open for a triple threat match, methinks (mehopes)?

Raw…I think that only the Donald Trump episode tops this one for worst of the year.  I don’t personally know Jeremy Piven, but he seemed like a huge douche throughout the show.  And not the heel douche kind of character.  He just seemed like a general douche.  And his sidekick, Ken Jeong…wow…I never wanted to reach into the TV screen and strangle someone so much as I did him.  Except, of course, for everyone on the show Toddlers & Tiaras.  I nearly gag every time I see an ad for that abomination.  But I digress.  It felt like the entire show was filler save the HHH and Cena matches.  And those were only vehicles to further their own storylines.  HHH is more than obviously bringing HBK back at Summerslam to take out Legacy, and Cena once again looked like Superman against Orton and Company.

Sidenote: I’ve noticed ever since Orton built Legacy, then trimmed it down to just Dibiase and Rhodes, that all three of them have appeared far weaker than just about everyone else in the WWE.  It’s as though none of them, even Orton, can stand on his own as a singles competitor anymore.  They require the services of at least one other in order to have any chance at winning matches anymore, especially Orton.  It’s like Orton can’t win a match these days without Rhodes and Dibiase interfering and likely causing a DQ.  I wonder if that bothers anyone else.  I certainly think it damages all three characters to a point where if they want to be legitimate singles competitors after this stable breaks up (and it will), there’s going to need to be a ton of work done in order to build them up to be anywhere near as strong as a Cena or a HHH.  I just can’t see Rhodes or Dibiase ever flourishing without each other, and I can’t fathom Orton by himself anymore.  A good stable has guys who can stand on their own, but have a common goal in mind.  Just look at Jericho and Big Show.  Yes, they’ve only been together for a couple of weeks, but they’ve shown that they can both team together and look strong AND fight by themselves and still be strong against any competitor, be it Funaki or Jeff Hardy.  I don’t have that confidence with Legacy.

Anyway, back to Raw.  Or, actually, I suppose I don’t really have anything else to say.  I loved how Jericho had to censor himself when he started calling the ref by his actual name during the Kofi/Show match, which ended about as predictably as you can imagine.  And I was a little disappointed we didn’t get a backstage Santino segment with Jeremy Piven.  But on the plus side, we got yet another Mark Henry…wait…I mean Markswoggle squash match.  He actually looks like he’s having fun out there now, which is great to see after all he’s been through over the last ten or so years.  I hope he gets a couple of WWE Title matches soon.  Not to win, mind you.  But just to have them.

Okay, enough recapping jibber-jabber.  It’s time for THE RANTABLES PAY-PER-VIEW DREAM CARD.  Now, I didn’t plan much of anything out for this, but I do know one thing: this PPV is going to be called Stip-o-Mania, because I can’t get enough of them!  It could also be called ELIMINATOR because there are going to be a lot of multi-man elimination matches.  In fact, I bet all of these are going to be elimination matches.  There are going to be a lot of title matches on this card, so be prepared for a lot of title changes.  Oops…did I just give some results away?  It matters not.  Here we go!

First match will be a six-man interpromotional match featuring two titleholders.  This will be a high-flying affair, or what could also be described as a “spot-fest.”  It will be Rey Mysterio, Evan Bourne, and Kofi Kingston taking on Dolph Ziggler, Shelton Benjamin, and the debuing Low Ki!  Or Kaval, or whatever his name is now.  Expect a ton of high-octane offense from the faces, a lot of hard strikes from Ki, and some screen time for Ziggler and Benjamin as they hone their craft more and more on a live stage.  Elimination rules apply, so bet on Ziggler, Benjamin, and Kofi to get eliminated at some point.  I’ve heard rumblings of a Rey/Low Ki feud, so I’d like to get some inklings of that with this match.  Perhaps Ki eliminates Bourne, then takes Rey to the limit before Rey somehow pulls off the victory.  Or Ki wins, and we set the stage for a long series of crazy matches between the two, culminating in a Low Ki title win.  But I’m thinking far down the line.  For now, let’s have the heels win this, but Ki being the only man not eliminated.

The next match will likely be the only one-on-one match of the night, but it should be fun anyway.  A No Holds Barred match between Primo and Carlito to settle their ridiculous feud once and for all.  We know Carlito’s used weapons before, but what we really need to know is can Primo hang with his brother when tables, ladders, and chairs are involved?  The answer, of course, is yes.  I realize that most of these matches are skewed towards my own personal bias, but that’s why it’s a dream card.  So Primo whips Carlito’s ass with a variety of weapons and gets the victory, sending his older brother back to Puerto Rico with his tail between his legs.

Next is going to be a battle royale to unify the two women’s championships.  We’ll go ahead and put all of the ladies in this match.  Just a little T&A to satisfy the guys in the audience before the really serious matches start up.  All of the non-deserving ladies get tossed early, and let’s narrow it down to, say, Melina, Mickie James, Beth Phoenix, and Michelle McCool.  McCool gets tossed first, because she’s only champion thanks to her relationship with The Undertaker.  The Beth gets tossed because she hasn’t shown any improvement since she started on TV.  And we’re down to Mickie and Melina.  Actually, once it’s down to two, we’ll have a regular match to determine the Unified Women’s Champion.  These two can have one hell of a match against each other, I bet, and the guys will love it.  In the end, because it’s my card and my show, Melina wins and takes home the gold.  And, like the Tag Team Titles, the Women’s title can be defended on all three brands, so we can have more Melina/Mickie matches as well as Melina/Gail Kim matches and…well, there really aren’t any other women capable of holding their own in this man’s humble opinion.

Speaking of the Unified Tag Team Titles, let’s bring back an old favorite: Tag Team Turmoil!  But let’s add the Tornado stip to it.  So we’ve got the Quadruple T Match.  Yes, that’s an original concept, and WWE can feel free to take it so long as they credit me with the idea, which, as we all know, they won’t.  Anyway, this match is going to have Jericho and Show defending their titles against Cryme Tyme, Legacy, and The Hart Dynasty.  Overly heel, I know, but it’s Tornado and Turmoil style, so everyone in the ring at the same time, and everything’s legal.  I’d expect a lot of violence in this match, even though 3/4 of the competitors have never really been in any type of hardcore situation.  But I’d bet that Kidd and Smith could hold their own.  Have Cryme Tyne be the sacrificial lambs, then take Legacy out of the picture (because of what I said earlier, I don’t think they’ll ever be tag title material), and have a fun little match between the present and the future of wrestling as we know it.  I hate how The Hart Dynasty has been booked since moving to Smackdown, so I’m changing it here and now.  The Hart Dynasty wins and becomes Unified Tag Champs, and proceed to mow through the competition for the next year and a half, even challenging Demolition’s reign for longest tag title reign ever.

Next is an ECW Title match.  But this is no ordinary match.  This is going to be an Extreme Rules match.  We have Christian and Tommy Dreamer, obviously, and because I love the guy, William Regal.  And because I feel like it, I’m going to stroke the egos of the ECW fanboys and bring back Rob Van Dam for (what will amount to be) one night only!  Four corner survival match rules.  Christian’s first to go, and he defects to Smackdown and turns heel.  Then, because it’s good storytelling, Regal’s gone and we’re down to RVD and Dreamer.  And, in the shocker of shockers, RVD beats Dreamer to win the ECW Title for one night.  He vacates the title, and we have a tournament over the next few weeks to determine the next ECW Champion (HINT: He’s British and is widely known as “The King of the Five Minute Match”).

Then we’ve got our WWE Championship Match.  Let’s have ourselves a good old-fashioned Six-Pack Challenge, elimination-style, of course.  We’ve got Randy Orton, John Cena, and HHH to satisfy 98% of the typical WWE audience, then stick Mark Henry in there because he deserves a title shot, and MVP, because it’s my card and he’s certainly deserving of a title shot as well, and then the return of HBK to get a nice pop from the fans and yet another guy who doesn’t do jobs (as HHH pointed out on Raw, hur hur).  And since it’s my show, I get to choose the order of elimination.  Let’s see…HHH gets taken out by Legacy (because that happens every week and I’d be remiss to not have it happen again), then Henry, Cena, and in a huge twist, HBK (surprise RKO from Orton after HBK superkicks Cena out of his boots), leaving Orton and MVP, and in the twist of the night, MVP wins the WWE Championship!  Honestly, this should have been buliding ever since MVP’s first night on Raw, when he called out Orton.  But WWE botched that, so I’m fixing their mistake for them.  And we give MVP a chance to really show what he’s got as a major champion.  Lord knows he deserves it after a six month losing streak.  Yeesh.  There are easier and quicker ways to turn a guy face.  Of course, after his win, MVP turns heel again and runs rampant through the Raw roster, proving that nobody can stop Raw’s Most Valuable Player.

Okay, now for the second-to-last match, and a feature attraction: the rebirth of the Cruiserweight Division!  Only it’s more like the X Division back in its heyday.  No weight restrictions, just seriously great competitors duking it out for a sweet belt that can be defended on all three brands.  This will be presented in battle royale format.  I know, two battle royales in one night?  You’re crazy!  Yes, I am.  But, remember, it’s my dream card.  So, here’s the list of competitors:

Chavo Guerrero, Festus (hopefully with a new gimmick that isn’t so utterly limiting), Jamie Noble, Finlay, Jesse (without his apparently new and ridiculous Slam Master J gimmick), Jimmy Wang Yang, Kane, Ron Killings, Yoshi Tatsu, Zack Ryder, and the return of The Hurricane!  Obviously, Hurricane’s going to win this, but not without some serious competition from Finlay, Kane, and…erm…Festus’ new gimmick.

Oh, I forgot one more quick match to add to this card: Mike Knox vs. Tyler Reks in a “Loser is Fired” match.  It ends in a double count-out, and both guys get fired.  For the good of the company.

And the main event of this admittedly very long evening is a TLC Match for the World Heavyweight Championship match.  Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk vs. John Morrison.  I was trying to come up with a fourth for this match so it could be a Three Stages of Hell match with the last match being the TLC match, but I can’t think of anyone.  The only logical choice is Jericho, and he’s already has his match for the night.  So let’s just stick with the TLC.  This is going to be the true barn-burner, the match to end all matches, the grestest show on earth since Taker/HBK at WM25.  Yes, it’s going to be a bit of a spot-fest, but these guys are complete pros at showing off while also entertaining the stalwarts in the crowd.  There will be several close finishes, a lot of crazy spots, and violence and pain galore, and maybe even a little blood (OMGZ YOU CAN’T HAVE BLOOD ON A TVPG SHOW!), but in the end, we’re getting a new World Heavyweight Champion.  And his name is John Morrison.  Simply put, this guy is the most complete package that WWE’s got to offer right now.  So why not have him lead the youth movement’s charge and let some of the older guys take a back seat to the wrestlers of the future?  Morrison’s the perfect guy to lead WWE into a new generation.  Will he reach Stone Cold Steve Austin or Hulk Hogan status?  Only time will tell.  And one of the only other ways you’ll be able to tell is to put the damn title on him!

I will admit that I kind of stole this match from Mike Siciliano’s son’s card.  But that was a ladder match only, not a TLC match.  Because lord knows that when you have ladders, you’ve got to have tables and chairs as well.

Well, there you have it.  A crazy nine-mach card filled with talent from top to bottom.  Except for that “Loser Gets Fired” match, of course.  Now I’d like to hear your thoughts.  Think I’m crazy?  Love the card?  Hate it?  Be sure to leave me comments.  Or, if you don’t feel like taking 15 seconds to create a WordPress account, you can send me an email at legitimate.business.inc@gmail.com

I’ll see you next time.