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I decided (at least this time) that I will, in fact, go to The Bash, if for no other reason than to spite WWE for putting together a PPV in two weeks.  I’m going to bo the hell out of the HHH/Orton match and try to start chants of “worst match ever.”  Because there’s no fucking way these two will ever have a good match.

So, with that said, let’s take a look at the card so far:

HHH vs. Randy Orton – WWE Championship Match – Donald Trump, the “new owner of Raw,” said that there was going to be a Last Man Standing match between these two next week on the “first-ever commercial-free episode of Raw.”  First of all: hasn’t Creative learned?  These two have no chemistry, and their last two matches absolutely bombed.  Crowds were actually BOOING these two at WM25.  When was the last time the main event of Wrestlemania was booed out of the building?  Probably never!  Because these two stink up the joint whenever they’re put into a match against each other.  If you surround them with four or eight more guys, then maybe we’ll have some fun, but one-on-one, these guys are as bad as any pairing I’ve ever seen.  If nothing else, why not give us fans in Sacramento the Last Man Standing match?  Then, at least we could watch these two garbage wrestle for 10 minutes before the REAL main event.

CM Punk vs. Jeff Hardy – World Heavyweight Championship Match – This feud was botched from the moment Punk opened his mouth.  I was hoping he’d just turn heel and get the crowd furious at him for taking Smackdown’s main title away from the most popular superstar in the company simply because he’s a screw-up.  Yes, we’ve seen the angle before.  But with Punk as a straight-edge elitist douchenozzle heel, it would work wonders.  Punk’s worked this persona before in ROH (at least from what I’ve read), and it’s been one of the most effective tools in his arsenal.  But he took the pansy way out, saying simply, “I’m looking out for myself.”  Fuck that.  You took the title from Hardy because he’s a fuck-up and will never amount to anything because he’s abused drugs in the past and doesn’t deserve to be the champion of the people!  That’s what he should have said!  Keep in mind that this in no way reflects my own opinions of Hardy.  He was, and will always be, one of my all-time favorite WWE wrestlers.  He’s definitely in the top 5, all-time.  So this feud’s gotten off on the wrong foot.  And with rumors swirling about Hardy taking time off after The Bash, it all but guarantees Punk will win.  Unless they decide to give Hardy the belt for more than six weeks (or two minutes).  I’m still going to enjoy this match to hell and back, but I think Edge should have been involved anyway.

ECW Championship Scramble Match – Tommy Dreamer vs. Christian vs. Jack Swagger vs. Finlay vs. Mark Henry – I’m actually very happy about this match.  Well, most of it, anyway.  I loved the initial Scramble Match concept back at Unforgiven last year, though I thought that all five wrestlers should have started the match at the same time and gone for 20 minutes, not “two wrestlers start and another comes out every five minutes.”  That’s fucking lame.  However you look at it, this should be an awesome match.  Though I do have one question: why is Mark Henry in this match?  He’s done nothing to prove that he’s worthy of another ECW Title shot.  Every other man in this match has proven himself to be worthy of a title shot.  Even Swagger!  And you’ll never hear me say that again.  But Henry’s done nothing but squash Evan Bourne after Bourne won three straight weeks of matches.  Why isn’t he in the Scramble Match?  He’s much more deserving.

A word about Finlay.  When he smacked Christian upside the head this past Tuesday on ECW, I cheered my heart out.  Finlay, more than anyone else in the company save CM Punk, was in dire need of turning.  In this case, he desperately needed to turn heel.  And he sort of ended up doing so.  He bashed Christian’s head in, then later on smacked Dreamer around.  Then he hit Swagger, turning him into another lone-wolf tweener.  Bah.  I would have loved to see Finlay either team up with Swagger or maybe, just maybe, start leading the Hart Dynasty as their mentor.  Though they don’t really NEED a mentor, really.  I just hope that they give Finlay his old music back.  They MUST get rid of that ridiculous Hornswoggle music he’s had to walk out to the ring every night for months.  Hornswoggle’s gone and he’s got a new protector.  Time for Finlay to go medieval on someone.

Unified Tag Team Championship Match – The Colons vs. Legacy – Anyone who thinks the three members of Legacy aren’t walking out of The Bash as champions needs to have his or her head examined.  Orton’s guaranteed to win, since someone in the company needs to have a title reign last longer than six weeks.  I don’t believe it’s happened so far this year…except for Swagger’s disastrous ECW Title reign.  I’d rather just not think about that.  But no one has managed to hold on to either the WWE Championship or the World Heavyweight Championship for more than six weeks since the year began.  Well, I suppose there was HHH’s title reign until Backlash, but besides that, everything’s been in such a constant state of turmoil that it’s getting awfully difficult to watch WWE programming.  I saw that WWE is looking for more creative writers, and I’m thinking about tossing my name into the hat, just to see if a nobody can even get noticed by this conglomerate.  Anyway, back on topic, Rhodes and Dibiase have been decent over the past year or so.  But they’re not great.  Dibiase is a very old-school wrestler, and Rhodes never really does much of anything.  Primo and Carlito are fun as hell to watch on TV, so I’d imagine they’ll be fun to watch live.  But Legacy’s leaving The Bash as champions.

As far as the rest of the undecided card goes, I’d imagine there’ll be one more Jericho vs. Mysterio match, perhaps a US Title match between Kofi and…let’s say Matt Hardy, just for kicks, and there had better be at least one more match.  Probably a Women’s Title match.  I’d love to see Melina live, if only to see the greatest ring entrance in the history of wrestling.  I’d also hope they have Maria be the ref for the match as well.  Go ahead, call me a chauvanist.  At least I admit it.  If there are six matches on the card, they’d better be damned fucking good, because otherwise I’m not getting my money’s worth and I’ll have to use the chair I get to take home to bash some sense into the head of a Mr. Vincent Kennedy McMahon.  Here’s hoping the rest of the card shapes up quickly and is strongly booked for the 11 days they have left until the show.


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