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I nearly forgot that it’s time once again for Rantables, that wonderful column wherein I express my outright hatred at something fairly insignificant to the rest of the world.  And you’ll enjoy it!

Today’s topic is one I’ve been wanting to discuss for quite some time.  I fear that I might actually be a touch out of date with this, as I think the ads in question are on their way out.  Still, I will discuss them as though I just heard them for the very first time.  Because it horrifies me that an ad like the ones I am going to discuss today ever made it past an executive.

I’m going to focus on the radio ads, because I’ve heard them a lot more often than I’ve seen the TV ads of the same nature.  But I will certainly talk about the TV ads as well.  But for now, let’s talk about the radio ads.  Everyone knows radio is likely a dying art form.  The music “industry” (I use that term loosely seeing as how it’s more of a giant festering septic tank of failure) is destroying radio as we know it because it is the industry that is telling radio stations exactly which songs to play so they can make the listeners listen to what the record companies want to sell more copies of.  But this isn’t a rant about the radio industry or the music industry, so I digress.  Because the radio industry seems to be on its death knell, advertising companies have to resort to more and more outrageous forms of advertisement.  The recent McDonalds ads fall into this category, I believe.

The one that infuriates me the most is the one with a female talking.  She says how her love of fancy coffee drinks led her to go to coffee houses where she discussed avant-garde theater and Baroque chamber music.  But thanks to McDonalds serving their fancy coffee drinks, she can go back to reading gossip magazines and watching reality TV shows.

Let that sink in for a moment.

Okay?

What in the blue hell does McDonalds think they’re doing?  Hooray, we’re promoting the stereotype that women are brainless idiots who only care about the most banal forms of “entertainment.”  Because every woman reads gossip magazines and watches American Idol, and women shouldn’t be discussing avant-garde theater or Baroque chamber music.  We wouldn’t want her to have an original thought in that pretty little head of hers.  No.  We want to make sure that every woman on the planet gets her brain cells killed at an alarming rate by shitty TV, worthless magazines, and disgusting “fancy” coffee drinks.  Come fucking on.  I actually was liking the sound of her when she was talking about how she’s knowledgeable about theater and Baroque music.  Those would be two positive traits in my book.  But then they ruined it by talking about fucking espresso coffee drinks at McDonalds and how she was “saved” by the down-home coffee goodness of a company that sells some of the most disgusting food anyone will ever eat.

The other ad has a male voice-over.  He talks about how his love of cappuccino made him start enjoying French cinema, indie bands, and NOT BATHING.  Because, as we all know, people who listen to indie bands and watch French movies don’t bathe.  Just like the French themselves!  Ha ha ha.  Then he says, “But McDonalds serves cappuccinos now, so now I can go back to watching football!”  Yet another stereotype McDonalds is promoting.

Now don’t misinterpret me here.   I believe stereotypes are around for a reason.  As harsh as this may sound, a lot of the time, they’re absolutely true.  I don’t like it any more than you do.  All I’m saying in this argument is that McDonalds (I’m getting tired of typing that word; it’s very awkward to type.  Try it out now.) is promoting these stereotypes, which, while they are many times true, are nonetheless not something you should actually put forward.

Going back to the original topic, while this one isn’t quite as bad to me as the one with the female voice-over, it still promotes the negative stereotype that French people and/or indie rock bands are swarthy, filthy degenerates who don’t actually deserve to be a part of society because they’re outside the norm.  The norm which, I might add, doesn’t actually exist anywhere in the world, nor has it ever.  Everyone says they wish they could go back to the good ol’ days, when cities were like Mayberry or wherever Leave It To Beaver was set.  But those cities never existed.  They were merely figments of the writers’ imaginations of what a “perfect world” would be like during the setting of the TV show.  There never was a Mayberry, nor will there ever.  The norm is quite thoroughly abnormal, if you ask me.

I suppose I could talk about the TV spots, but they’re largely the same.  Men are dumb football-watching jocks, women are braindead idiots who only care about which celebrity took the biggest shit yesterday.  Neither of them can possibly be classy or intelligent, because that would be WEIRD.  McDonalds wants its customers to stay stupid so they can continue to charge outrageous prices for shitty food that will likely cost you even more because of the hospital bills you’ll be racking up!

Phew.  I think I’m done for the night.  This week’s Rantable was brought to you by Imodium AD.  Imodium AD: if you’re shitting all over your house, take some Imodium AD.  We’ll make sure you don’t have to clean your entire house because of that diarrhea from that chili latte you had last night.  Imodium AD.

Thank you, and good night.

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