Rantables #66 – The HIV of Wrestling

I’m betting that a lot of people are disgusted or offended at the title of this article.  Maybe you know someone who is HIV positive, or you think that calling someone “The HIV of Wrestling” is an insult that nobody deserves.  Well, if Hulk Hogan is the cancer of wrestling (so said by The King of All Italy, Mike Siciliano), Hornswoggle is the HIV of wrestling.

I’ve said it before how he manages to take a wrestler with talent and potential and basically destroy his career.  He’s done it to every person he’s affiliated himself with over the past three years.  First it was Finlay, who was on a rise after winning the US Title.  With the leprechaun, he became a child-friendly face with no punch and most of his reputation gone.  Before Hornswoggle, Finlay was a force to be reckoned with.  He was brutal, to the point where you would hope that anybody going into a match with him would just turn around and run away.  With the inclusion of the leprechaun, his credibility went out the window.  He always had to protect the little guy from all those nasty heels who would use him as a shield when faced with the shillelagh.  Pretty soon, Finlay adopted Hornswoggle entrance music, and became this happy-go-lucky Irishman who did a little jig with kids from the audience after winning a match.  Finlay’s edge was gone, and so, too, was any chance of another championship of ANY kind.  Now he’s a gatekeeper on Smackdown, putting over younger guys with half the talent he has.  Sure, Finlay’s in his fifties, but I firmly believe that had Hornswoggle not become a major part of Finlay’s persona, he (Finlay) might have gone on to the upper mid card or even sniffed the main event scene.  Sadly, this will never happen, and I, for one, am very disappointed.

And then he won the Cruiserweight Championship.  What little credibility the title had (and any reason to keep the smaller guys in anything but a jobbing role) went the way of the dodo.  What an embarassing moment for WWE.  Worse than putting the WWE Title on Sheamus!  He held the title for a pointless two months before it (the title, unfortunately) was phased out.  This, to me, sent a message to every smaller guy employed by WWE: We don’t give a shit about you and you’ll never be as successful as the 280 pound behemoths with an eighth as much talent as you.  After that debacle came the illegitimate son of Vince McMahon angle, which went on for far too long.  Let’s just forget that ever happened.

Then, earlier this year, the disease began to spread.  Its next victim: Goldust.  Now, we all know that Dustin Runnels, aka Goldust, was never going to be a world champion in WWE.  The gimmick was just too weird.  But when he got himself involved with Hornswoggle, it ended up burning him in the long run.  Goldust was taken from Raw and moved to ECW, where he made a bit of a comeback and actually got a pretty decent cult following before being paired up with Sheamus.  Meanwhile, Hornswoggle had moved on to his next target: The World’s Strongest Man.

Now, I’m sure that a few of you remember Mark Henry’s first night on Raw after the 15-superstar trade engineered by Donald Trump (full kayfabe mode right there, folks).  Then-champion Randy Orton was put in a Gauntlet match against three unknown opponents.  The first was Evan Bourne, who fought valiantly, but lost because he’s a smaller guy.  Then came Jack THHHHHwagger, who just got himself counted out.  Then came Henry.  He appeared to follow Swagger’s lead, but grabbed the ref’s arm as the count was being made.  He shook his head, smiled, got in the ring, and destroyed Orton.  Never had Mark Henry gotten a reaction like he did that night.  He went from middling heel that nobody cared about (and probably a lot of people hated) to a main event face in one night.  Then what happened?  Hornswoggle got in trouble, and Henry bailed him out.  Goldust was gone to ECW, so the little bastard needed somebody to protect him.  And who better to protect him than the World’s Strongest Man?  Mark Henry started wearing red tights (making him look like the world’s largest misshapen tomato) and having tag matches with the leprechaun.  It took Henry’s credibility away, and now he’s wrestling tag matches that mean nothing in the long run.  Much like his tag partner, MVP, Henry made a huge impact his first night on Raw, rather coincidentally both against Randy Orton.  But, for some reason that I have yet to figure out, neither of them actually ended up delivering on that impact.  Henry’s wrestling six man matches, and MVP just got squashed by Sheamus last night on Raw in an utterly pathetic match.

But was Hornswoggle done?  Of course not.  During the course of the last three years, he’s also ruined what little careers Jamie Noble, Chavo Guerrero, and Brian Kendrick had in WWE.  One thing I will never forgive Creative for is giving Hornswoggle more wins in 2009 than Evan Bourne.  And just last night, the HIV of professional wrestling that is Hornswoggle infected two more men.  DX has been forever marked by the little bastard.  The collective star power of HHH and Shawn Michaels might be able to stave off ruin for a while, seeing as how they’re DX and all, but I wouldn’t be terribly surprised if they ended up like everyone else.  I’d bet that DX is going to lose the tag titles very soon to the Hart Dynasty, either by Chris Jericho’s hand or Hornswoggle’s accidental interference, and someone’s going to turn heel.  I’m betting it’s HHH, so we can get a HHH/HBK match at Wrestlemania 26, to go along with Cena/Taker and (I still hope not) Hart/McMahon.  What I’d like to know is why Vince didn’t try to schedule this for Wrestlemania 25.  25 is a hell of a lot bigger an anniversary than 26.  I guess Vince is just trying to spite Hogan after all the shit Hogan spat about McMahon over the past few months.

TANGENT!

Regarding the changes to the WWE intro: I think it was a little callous of McMahon to take out the Mick Foley segment of the video intro before every TV show.  I can understand the Hogan quote being taken out, but Foley?  His fall off the Hell in a Cell is one of the most iconic moments in wrestling history, maybe in the top 5 all-time.  Just because he’s with a differnt company now doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist.  I really with Vince would at least acknowledge that there are other companies out there that do what he thinks is the greatest wrestling product in the world, but I suppose that’s just his massive, throbbing ego again, needing a good stroke like it always does.

END TANGENT!

Anyway, my point of this little 1200 word diatribe is that I am sick of Hornswoggle ruining peoples’ careers.  The Little People’s Court last night on Raw was a new low for WWE programming.  Pretending that midgets can’t talk?  Really, Vince?  You couldn’t have even the JUDGE say or do something other than bang her gavel on the milk crate you covered with a cloth to simulate a judge’s desk?  Even I’m insulted with this.  Midgets can talk!  It’s just sad, really.  Hornswoggle’s 15 minutes of fame ran out three years ago.  He needs to disappear from WWE programming for the good of the product.  For once, Vince, think about the fans instead of the MUHN-AEY.

Ah, who am I kidding?  Vince will never think of the fans before himself and THE MUHN-AEY.

Join me next time when I try to be less cynical.  I’ll do my First Annual Golden Rantie Awards next week, so stay tuned for that!  And until then, continue booing Sheamus for being the least qualified man to hold the WWE Championship since The Great Khali!

Rantables #65 – TLC Results

Fair warning: profanity to follow.

TLC was…decent.  Not great, but not bad.  Most of the matches were good,  but not memorable.  A couple of spots were definitely memorable, but most of the matches didn’t stand out in any way.  With that said, let’s go through the results.

Christian defeated Shelton Benjamin in a Ladder Match to retain the ECW Championship

It can’t be a very good sign when the curtain jerker match is the best of the night.  But these two pulled out some crazy shit and set the bar WAY too high for everybody else following them.  There were plenty of ladder spots, including a couple of very dangerous ones right near the beginning.  First off, Christian dropping a ladder on his head.  I feared he might have sustained a concussion right there.  He got busted open the hard way, and it was sad but funny to see the ref instantly slap on some latex gloves and to see the doctor rush down to ringside not 30 seconds later for FEAR OF BLOOD OMFG!  Seriously, Vince, if someone gets opened up the hard way, just leave it.  I know you’re catering to families now, but a little crimson isn’t going to ruin kids’ lives.  I can understand getting rid of blading.  I never liked that practice in the first place.  But if a guy falls down and drops a ladder on his face, you expect him to be bloody for a while.  Yet the rush the doctor out there to glue Christian’s head shut, stalling the match for about two minutes.  Then Shelton does a dangerous dive off a ladder, nearly landing on his head because Christian wasn’t standing in a good spot and was probably still not all there.  I really enjoyed the “We want blood!” chant that arose while the doctor was gluing Christian up.  The spot of the night had to be Christian hitting a frog splash on Shelton, who was laying on a ladder that was lying between the ring and the announcer’s table.  That was amazing.  Definitely the fastes 18 minute match in recent memory.  They definitely stole the show.  Too bad they stole it at the beginning.

0 for 1 in picks.

Drew McIntyre defeated John Morrison to become the NEW Intercontinental Champion

I have a theory about Drew McIntyre.  Call me a conspiracy theorist all you want, I don’t care.  I think that Vince is using both his on-air support of McIntyre AND the reports that HHH and Shawn Michaels have given their seal of approval to McIntyre to get him over.  Everybody hates him.  The marks hate him because he’s angry all the time and because Vince McMahon personally supports him, and the Internet geeks hate him because he’s earning his championships through politics instead of talent.  It’s a win-win for both Vince and Drew.  He’ll get heat no matter what.

Oh, right, the match.  This was nowhere near as good as their match on Smackdown two weeks ago.  Chalk that up to the magic of television editing.  If McIntyre ever hopes to be taken seriously as a competitor, he needs to do three things: don’t use so many clotheslines, use a wider variety of rest holds/submission holds, and for poop’s sake, STOP USING SWAGGER TACTICS!  It makes you look extremely weak if you dominate your opponent for the set amount of time only to magically become weakened when the face begins his comeback.  It ruins your character.  Let the faces have more moves in their initial mini-comebacks, so when they finally DO make their comeback, it seems plausible because even though you’ve been beating the crap out of them for however many minutes, they’ve been doing enough damage here and there to make it seem like you’ve been knocked around as well.  I hope that makes sense.  Anyway, an average match with an expected result, and a new, undeserving champion was crowned.  I wish I hadn’t correctly picked this match, but I did.

Michelle McCool defeated Mickie James to retain the Women’s Championship

To be fair, I did not hear about this whole Mickie James recording contract thing until after I made my picks.  Had I heard about it, I would have changed my mind.  Here’s hoping Mickie leaves to record her country album soon so we don’t have to hear any more of this pathetic grade-school-level taunting by Michelle and Layla.  Makes me sick every time someone brings it up.  She (and Matt Striker) should be embarassed for such a childish act.  I have no respect left for Michelle McCool.  I hope Natalya or Beth destroys her soon, so we can have some actual women’s matches.

Sheamus defeated John Cena in a Tables Match to become the new WWE Champion

Remember that warning I gave at the beginning of the article?  It’s mostly going to apply here.

I swear to fucking christ, this is the absolute worst decision WWE has made since they put the World Heavyweight Championship on The Great Khali back in 2007.  Sheamus hasn’t even been on television for six months.  Nobody deserves to become a WWE World Champion within six months of their television debut, unless they’ve had an extensive indy career and won multiple indy world titles (*COUGH*americandragon*COUGH*).  If you’re a freakishly pale musclehead with no real knowledge of wrestling psychology and a tiny…moveset…you don’t deserve a world title run any time soon.  To me, Sheamus is basically Batista with a more limited moveset.

The match itself was actually decent, but not memorable in any way.  Cena basically carried this match completely.  It was his job to make sure Sheamus didn’t look like a bumbling idiot out there, and he mostly succeeded.  The ending was a joke and a fluke, and I pray that Cena calls out Sheamus on the fluke.  I also hope Sheamus loses the title on Raw.  To whom, I don’t honestly care.  Anyone is a more deserving champion than him.  He hasn’t paid his dues.  All he did to get where he is today is take steroids and work out a lot and not go out in the sun, ever.  And Vince loves him.  And I’m going to go back into conspiracy theorist mode again: I’m betting that Vince is banking on the IWC hating this move so much that he knows it’s going to draw huge ratings just so people will watch Raw to hope Sheamus loses the WWE Title each and every week.  Leave it to the world’s biggest asshole to stoop to such a low level just for ratings.  Now that I think about it, I bet he’s going to keep the title on Sheamus until January 4th, when Raw and Impact go head-to-head, and he’s going to build up a huge title match for that day just to stick it to TNA and to Hogan.  Don’t you love my conspiracy theories?

Oh, and while we’re berating everyone who works at WWE, leave it to Michael Cole to get his facts wrong yet again.  Cole stated that the last foreign-born WWE Champion was Yokozuna, 16 years ago.  I went through the list of past WWE Champions, and it’s quite obvious he’s WRONG!  Mr. Cole seemed to forget about the very next WWF Champion, one Bret “Hitman” Hart.  A-DUUURRRRR.  Then, Kane won his first (and likely, only) WWF Championship in 1999 (for those of you who don’t know, Glen Jacobs, the man who has portrayed Kane for 84 years, was born in Madrid, Spain, though I highly doubt any announcers would acknowledge this).  And, of course, you can’t discuss the WWE Championship without discussing Edge.  Canada is a foreign country to everybody not from Canada, Michael Cole.  So you’re THREE TIMES WRONG!  Congratulations on being a dumbass for the 15th year in a row.

Let’s move past this travesty, shall we?

The Undertaker defeated Batista in a Chairs Match to retain the World Heavyweight Championship

I call bullshit on this match.  So many people have won titles using dirty tricks like a low blow, yet this time, Teddy Long comes out and ruins it.  There was no reason for him to restart the match.  Why this one and not every other match where someone has cheated but the ref didn’t see it?  Are you going to go back and overturn all of those matches too?  Teddy, you’re giving me an enormous double standard here!  Are you telling me that ONLY the most important people get their matches personally reviewed by you, so when the ref screws up, it’s your JOB to fix things and restart matches that had no business being restarted?  This was a major gaffe on Creative’s part.  Everyone and their blind mother can see that Taker is in bad shape.  He doesn’t walk so much as hobble, and every match where he doesn’t get seriously injured is considered a victory.  THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN!  You need to let Taker sit on the shelf for a while, at least until the Rumble, and even possibly further, if you want him to have an epic match with John Cena at Wrestlemania 26.  If you want it to be anywhere near the caliber of Taker/HBK this year, he needs to rest up.  Keeping the title on him is going to mean more matches, more title matches, and more house shows, which is only going to wear him down even faster.  Unless you’re going to put the strap on Jericho REALLY soon, this is a huge mistake.  I don’t condone a Batista title reign at all, but he’s at least a stopgap while Taker heals up.  Anyway, yet another average match.  The only memorable part about it was the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard Matt Striker say: “Undertaker’s been in Hell in a Cell matches, Elimination Chamber matches, Inferno matches…but perhaps none more dangerous than a chair match.”  Excuse me?  What in the hell are you smoking, sir?  How in the blue hell is a steel chair more dangeorus than A RING SURROUNDED BY GODDAMNED FIRE!  How is a steel chair more dangerous than everything else under the ring that you can use in a Hell in a Cell?  How is a steel chair more dangerous than steel grating for a floor, bulletproof glass, and five other men who want to tear your head off?  You, sir, made the most moronic commentary of the evening.

Let’s move on.

Randy Orton defeated Kofi Kingston

You would think that an up-and-comer who has paid his dues and improved a hundred fold in the ring and a million fold on the mic would finally get his big break and bust into the main event.  But no, Randy Orton ruins the moment yet again.  Sure, they could drag this feud out for a while longer, but it had reached a crecendo that I have not felt in quite some time as far as feuds go.  This was the rubber match between these two, and when you’ve got a talent like Kofi about to break into the main event, he’s supposed to win the rubber match in style and class, beat Orton clean, and vault into stardom.  Instead, we get Orton winning again and delaying the inevitable.  Orton doesn’t need more wins right now.  He’s already acoomplished more in his short career than 95% of the wrestlers who have ever or WILL EVER compete in this industry.  For once, let the young guy get over.  I read in Mike Siciliano’s column, Pros from the Palace, that he thinks Dibiase will turn face and team with Kingston to take on Orton and Rhodes.  While this isn’t a bad idea, I just don’t see why the IWC loves Ted Dibiase, Jr. so much.  He’s not terribly charismatic, he’s average on the mic, and he’s just decent in the ring, more of a throwback to the 1970’s and 1980’s.  But I see no outstanding characteristics blaring at me when it comes to Dibiase.  He’s been around for well over a year; you would think that his matches would gradually become more interesting and more entertaining, but they really haven’t.

As far as Kofi’s push goes, I think this feud should have ended at TLC.  With Orton winning, it lessens the intensity and diminishes any future impact Kofi might make.  He should have won here and crashed the main event party, telling the world, “Here I am!  I’m taking that title!”  You know what I would love?  I’d love to see Sheamus take on Kofi tomorrow and have Kofi win the WWE Title.  Now THAT would be a swerve.

Oh, right, the match.  Yet again, average.  Though it did have one sweet sequence where Kofi showed his true identity, Spiderman, when he climbed up the ring steps and up the turnbuckles in about a second and a half, only to fly directly into a Randy Orton dropkick on the floor.  It was a thing of beauty.  Then Orton worked Kofi’s ribs for like 12 minutes and won with an RKO.  Wow.

And now, for the main event!

DX defeated JeriShow to become the NEW Unified Tag Team Champions

I find it hilarious that I’m using the best tag team of 2009’s fan-made nickname on the last day of their existence.  But if you honestly didn’t see this coming, you’re blinder than I am.  Again, a fairly average match that had a couple of potentially awesome spots that turned ugly.  Well, really, just the one where Jericho was balanced on Show’s shoulders, and DX stepped into the ring.  What I’d hoped would happen was Show just chucking Jericho at DX, probably missing, then DX taking Show out and winning.  Instead, HBK superkicks Show, drops Jericho outside, and Jericho has probably the ugliest landing of the night.  It was awful, trust me.  Then a superkick and a Pedigree later, DX wins the Unified Tag Team Titles.  What does this mean for the Tag Titles?  Will they be exclusive to Raw until DX feels like dropping them?  Or will HHH decide to work Tuesdays again (science bless Paul Heyman).  Either way, the Tag Team gold has been given new life by JeriShow.  Let’s hope DX doesn’t piss it all away.  I’m looking forward to DX vs. The Hart Dynasty.  Here’s hoping the Dynasty takes the belts soon.

So, as far as picks went, I was…damn…2 for 7.  That’s probably my worst percentage of the year.  That’s what happens when titles that should change hands don’t.

Before I leave you, I would like to address something regarding your new WWE Champion (I refuse to acknowledge him as MY WWE Champion).  A lot of people are saying that just seeing a fresh face in the World Title pictures means something, that WWE is finally willing to step away from its usual formula of Cena+Orton+HHH+Taker+Batista+Edge=MONEYZ!  Why, then, do they give the title to the guy who’s been on television the shortest amount of time, and has barely cut his teeth on Raw?  There is not one person on the Raw roster who is LESS deserving of a WWE Title run than Sheamus.  Even the lower card guys like Carlito, Chavo, Santino, and Primo deserve a WWE Title run more than Sheamus.  Why?  Two simple reasons: first, they’ve paid their dues, and second, they have more talent than the shamrock milkshake (thanks to Josh Piedra of the Wrestleview staff for that one).  I’ll even go so far as to say that Hornswoggle is more deserving of a WWE Championship run, simply because he’s been on TV for over three years as opposed to the five months Sheamus has been around.  Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I just admitted that I would rather see Hornswoggle hold the WWE Championship more than I want to see Sheamus hold the WWE Championship.  Hell, let’s just have Swoggle take on Sheamus on Raw tomorrow and have the leprechaun win.  And with the reputation of the WWE Championship utterly destroyed within 24 hours, we can go about rebuilding it with someone with ACTUAL TALENT.

You know what I would have liked to see at TLC?  John Cena vs. a heel MVP.  That would have been an awesome match.  But MVP has been the biggest disappointment of the year.  It’s as though Creative no longer cares about him now that he’s on Raw.  Let’s hope his 2010 gets him to the main event.

Okay, it’s 2:30 AM and I’ve written 2,700 words.  That’s plenty of ranting for now.  I’ll be writing up my year-in-review column and my First Annual Golden Rantie Awards very soon, so stay tuned for those!  In the meantime, I’ll suffer through this abomination of a WWE Title reign for you.  Let’s hope I don’t go insane in the process.

Rantables #64 – TLC Picks

A thought before I go into picks: I’m considering doing some spur-of-the-moment thoughts of every show I can watch live.  I’ve thought about joining all the twits and twats on Twitter mostly so I could harangue the company for being so overblown and idiotic, but doing entries while watching Raw, ECW, and Smackdown might be kind of fun, especially to look back at what I’d written the next day and comment on what I wrote.  It probably won’t be too interesting to anybody else, but I think it’d be fun.  I was doing that sans Twitter yesterday while watching Smackdown, writing stuff like, “I really didn’t need to know that Mike Knox participates in auto-erotic asphyxiation.”  Which basically was said last night.  It was far more than I ever needed to know about any character.  So I might start doing this just for fun, see if I get any followers.

Okay, back on topic.  TLC is a day away, and my initial opinions are mixed.  The concept is decent enough, and some of the matches look good.  But some just anger me because of the participants.  So let’s get to it, shall we?

Women’s Championship – Michelle McCool (c) vs. Mickie James

I am so goddamned sick of McCool’s incredibly lame attempt at an insult to Mickie James.  I’m not even going to dignify it by writing it here.  If McCool wins, we’ll never hear the end of it.  Which would mean I’d tune out every time it airs.  Besides, Smackdown has more talented heel women then face women, and there are at least two awesome ladies waiting in the wings to get their Women’s Title shots.  Hell, I just want to see Beth and Natalya duke it out anyway.  Michelle McCool has had a long enough title reign.  The women’s division needs someone who doesn’t have the personality of wet cardboard.  And it needs someone who can face off against Beth and Natalya.  Mickie James wins her 94th Women’s Title.  Or her fifth.  I’ve lost count.

Oh, and a quick word to Matt Striker: Michelle McCool will NEVER surpass any of the women currently in the WWE Hall of Fame.  You should be ashamed to say that she could be better than Moolah, Mae Young, or Sensational Sherri.  Talk to me again if McCool’s wrestling in 50 years and I MIGHT hear you out.  I’m actually beginning to hate Striker’s commentary.  But let’s move on.

Intercontinental Championship – John Morrison (c) vs. Drew McIntyre

Morrison has been the champ since early September, when he had a fantastic match with Rey Mysterio.  There’s a sad part of me that has a bad feeling he’s going to lose tomorrow.  If somebody’s got a letter of recommendation from HHH and Shawn Michaels, he’s basically got a golden ticket to the top no matter what.  Which is depressing.  It means that it doesn’t matter if you’ve got talent in the ring or on the mic, because as long as you’re in good with the higher-ups, you can politic your way into greatness.  I’ll admit that these two had a good match last week on Smackdown.  But one match does not a great wrestler make.  McIntyre’s still in the Swagger Tactics frame of mind, and that won’t help him get over as a heel.  Morrison’s going to carry this match, but I’m afraid he might lose out in the end anyway.  And that will pretty well end any hopes Dolph Ziggler has of winning any singles gold in the near future.  But maybe I’m wrong and Morrison retains, and teaches McIntyre a lesson that it doesn’t matter how in you are with the boss.  But who are we kidding?  Vince would never make himself look like a fool on television.  His ego is too huge, and it needs constant stroking in order to function properly.  Drew McIntyre wins and becomes the new Intercontinental champion.  Not that I’m wanting him to win.

Randy Orton vs. Kofi Kingston

I’m looking forward to this match quite thoroughly, though I fear it’s been lost in the shuffle of Cena/Sheamus and Taker/Batista.  This could make Kofi’s career.  If he gets a clean win over Orton and showcases what he can do, he may be pushed to the main event.  And he (unlike others who are receiving title shots after TWO MONTHS on Raw) has got the talent and the mic skills to make it up there.  And if you want somebody to go over, there really aren’t many better qualified to put someone over than Randy Orton.  I’m not a big fan of his style, but he gets the job done.  He’s going to be obnoxious as hell during this match, but he’s going to get Kofi over.  Kofi Kingston wins.  This should be a good match.

ECW Championship Ladder Match – Christian (c) vs. Shelton Benjamin

After months of screwing the fans out of ECW Title matches on PPVs, we’re getting the mother lode at the end of the year.  Christian and Shelton are two of the most prominently featured ladder match wrestlers ever.  Christian was a TLC mainstay during its infancy, and Shelton is put in the Money in the Bank Ladder Match at Wrestlemania every year because he delivers stellar performances every year.  This will be a crazy spot-fest from bell to bell, and we’re going to get to see Shelton fly like a madman.  I was a little scared during his spot at the end of ECW this past Tuesday, when he almost lost his balance on the ropes and then nearly collapsed the ladder under his weight.  But that’s just the tip of the iceberg here.  This match is going to be furious and crazy-go-nuts the whole way.  These two are going to steal the show, seeing as how they keep telling us that they will.  I believe it.  On the matter of who wins, though, that’s tough.  Christian’s held the belt for about five months, which in 2009 is like a year and a half in any other time period.  I think Christian’s gearing up for a move to Smackdown to reunite with Edge…or turn on him.  Either way, it’s probably time for a changing of the guard.  And Shelton honestly deserves the win.  He’s an IWC darling, and his face turn has only helped him.  Christian has done his part to get ECW recognized as a real brand instead of just some knockoff where vets go to die and young guns arrive fresh off the FCW boat.  Shelton Benjamin wins and is your NEW ECW Champion.

WWE Championship Tables Match – John Cena (c) vs. Sheamus

I’ve ranted every single week about how undeserving Sheamus is of a WWE Title shot.  It all came to a head this past Monday, when he probably put Mark Cuban’s life in danger by tossing him through a table set up in the corner.  I was hoping that Cuban didn’t get his neck or back broken.  He apparently didn’t, but I don’t normally have that fear when a competent wrestler puts a non-wrestler through a table.  I have the fear that someone’s goign to get legitimately injured every time the pale Irishman steps through the ropes.  And he’s been built up so strongly that I can’t conceive of him winning at all.  WWE would be insane to put their biggest prize on the waist of a guy who’s been on TV for less than six months, especially one who seems to be a danger to everyone around him.  I’d imagine that Cena does his best Superman impression after getting beat down by the Irish Ghost and gets the win.  John Cena wins and retains his title.

World Heavyweight Championship Steel Chairs Match – Undertaker (c) vs. Batista

We all know Taker is hurting.  He can barely move around in the ring nowadays.  On the other hand, Batista is about as deserving of another World Title reign as Sheamus.  Batista has turned into this boring, generic heel.  He’s like Chris Jericho without the charisma and vocabulary.  He hates the fans too, but his face says he doesn’t care what happens.  I’m afraid that Creative is going to try to preserve Taker’s health as much as possible until Wrestlemania 26.  And the only way to do that is to take the title off him.  I hate to say it, and I really wish it wouldn’t happen, but it’s looking like Batista wins his 19th World Championship.  Or hwoever many he’s got under his belt (pun thoroughly intended).  This will be a bowling-shoe ugly match for sure (I miss JR).

Unified Tag Team Championship TLC Match – Chris Jericho and The Big Show (c’s) vs. DX

Jericho is the longest-reigning champion in WWE today.  He’s held the Unified Tag Team gold since The Bash, which I was lucky enough to attend back in late June.  Of course, he won those titles with Edge, but people seem to have forgotten about that.  Anyway, Jericho and Show have been a great tag team, and they’ve had a great run, but WWE seems intent on pushing DX as much as possible in order to boost profit margins.  DX is a merchandise machine, there’s no doubt.  I kind of hope that they change their ways after they win the tag titles.  Like they either both turn heel, or they stay with the intense, angry duo.  The teenager mindset that they’ve had for the past few months has worn out its welcome, and I would like to see some change in Hunter and Shawn.  On the plus side, there hasn’t been as high profile a tag match in years.  It doesn’t get much bigger than this.  Literally and figuratively.  Anyway, I’m betting that Jericho and Show are on the edge of a breakup (not sure whether or not that pun was intended), and I’m betting that they’re going to get Jericho right back into the World Title picture once he loses the tag straps.  So, with that being said, DX wins and becomes the NEW Unified Tag Team Champions.

Well, there are my picks.  All we have to do is wait and see what happens.  Should be a decent show.  I’ll be back in a couple of days with results, and in a couple of weeks, I’ll have my End of the Year wrap-up column, as well as the First Annual Golden Rantie Awards.  Keep watching, and I’ll keep writing.

Rantables #63

There is no way to encompass all of the topics I am going to discuss tonight under one simple headline, so I’m leaving today’s column without one.

I can’t go any further without mentioning the death of Eddie Fatu.  Umaga, to those who don’t obsess about knowing every wrestler’s real name.  Two days ago, he had a heart attack in his home, and after some time in a hospital, passed away after a second heart attack.  Fatu had just recently completed the Hulkamania tour, which, from the results I read on Wrestleview, appeared to be pretty “meh” at best.  Hogan beat Flair in every match they had (what a surprise), and there were a bunch of other matches that didn’t really seem to matter.  But I digress.  Fatu was, by far, one of the most talented, entertaining wrestlers in WWE before his untimely departure in June of this year.  He left because he had violated the Wellness Policy a second time, and refused to get any treatment.  What substance he was taking is unknown.  I’m not in a mood to speculate.  What does matter is that this is a real tragedy in my eyes.  To me, this is the toughest loss in wrestling since Chris Benoit (who I’m just now able to begin to watch his matches again after all this time).  There have been quite a few deaths in the two and a half years between Benoit’s and Fatu’s, but Fatu’s death hits home a lot harder because I have well-formed memories of his work.  I did watch WWF as a kid, and remember characters like Earthquake, Crush, and Sensational Sherri, but that was a long time ago.  Benoit I’d known about since his days in the Radicalz (I also watched WWF programming in the late 90’s, but quickly lost interest), and had many pleasant memories of his work in 2006 and 2007.  Fatu is similar.  His work from 2006 up until his departure from WWE was some of the best in the industry, not just Vince’s promotion.  Fatu was a special kind of talent.  He was a monster heel, but was tremendously athletic, flying around the ring, off the top rope, all while acting the part of a savage beast brought from the depths of Samoa.  He really was a great man, and he will surely be missed.  My thoughts go out to the Fatu family.

Now, on to a topic I never thought I would get the chance to discuss.  I consider myself to be of a reasonable opinion when it comes to the various wrestlers within Vince McMahon’s little empire.  So it always is a delight when I find that I am wrong about a certain person.  In fact, this past Friday, I was proven wrong twice.  Well, not completely wrong.  But I was definitely shown something I wasn’t expecting.  First, we received a face turn for one Eric Escibar.  And I found myself enjoying his promo with Vickie, if only because he was slandering her.  I don’t know how she does it, but she made me hate her with a passion upon returning to television.  But Escobar was funny and entertaining for the first time, and his handicap match with the Hart Dynasty was actually pretty decent.  It’s like WWE reads my column and then deliberately changes a character in order to spite me.  That, or I judge too quickly.  I dunno.  Anyway, Escobar’s flatlining career has just gotten a reviving jolt of energy from this sudden face turn, and I actually like it.  I’m hoping he continues on this path against Vickie Guerrero.  She can continue putting him in ridiculous matches, and he can attempt to show off what I can only hope is the skill that got him to TV in the first place.  Eric Escobar has earned a reprieve from my eternal hate list.  For now.

The other surprise I got was a pretty good match between John Morrison and *GASP* Drew McIntyre.  While I don’t think McIntyre should have won, he actually was able to keep up with Morrison, and Morrison made Drew look a hell of a lot better than any jobber could.  Morrison was on his game on Friday, and Drew kept up, which is impressive in and of itself.  I’m betting that they’re going to put the IC belt on McIntyre, overlooking Mr. Ziggles yet again.  Man, that guy can not catch a break, can he?  First, Mysterio refuses to drop the title to Ziggler, then Morrison wins the title from Mysterio when Rey has to go on suspension, and NOW McIntyre’s poised to take the strap away?  I would hate to be Dolph Ziggler right about now.  I hope he isn’t demoted further.  He has some real potential to be good.  Now, if McIntyre can follow up on that good match he had with Morrison, I might have to eat my words twice.

The last topic of the evening is one I wish wasn’t actually news, but sadly is.  There was a report a week or so ago that there are sources (unnamed, of course) saying Hulk Hogan shouldn’t ever show up at the Impact Zone for any TNA tapings because he doesn’t want to associate himself with “second-rate companies.”  I don’t even need to describe how idiotic that was, do I?  Anyway, NOW, just a day after the death of Eddie Fatu, Hogan goes on a UFC show and announces that Impact will air live on January 4th, for three hours, going head-to-head with Monday Night Raw.  Here’s a tip, TNA: don’t bother.  Funny thing is, you ARE a second-rate company filled with has-been wrestlers far past their prime and a writing staff full of wackos, maniacs, and nutjobs.  Trying to go head-to-head with the biggest wrestling show on TV is a foolish plan.  You will lose the ratings war.  And to any wrestling fans, if you’re planning on watching Impact instead of Raw, you’re probably an idiot too.  TNA has been an absolute joke the last couple of years, and I cannot forsee it beating Raw in the ratings at all.  It doesn’t matter if you’ve got Hogan signed.  He’s just a poor old sod desperate for media attention and another paycheck.  He doesn’t give a damn about your company.  If you were smart, you’d get rid of him and most of those has-beens leading your company and focus on what you started with: a bunch of talented young guys who can show up most WWE guys.  It probably won’t matter.  I think Hogan’s going to bleed TNA dry soon enough.  Then he’ll latch onto another unsuspecting promotion and run it into the ground as well.  He’s nothing but a leech.  We all just need to ignore him, and eventually he’ll go away.

I know I’m sounding overly harsh, but that’s why I write this.  If I can’t express my opinions (sometimes embellished here or there), what’s the point of writing anything?  At least there are people who read this column, so I can’t complain there.

Okay, that’s it for today.  I’ll be back later in the week with TLC picks (damn, it’s already here?), and in a couple of weeks, my end of the year awards.  Be sure to stay tuned.  Subscribe to the RSS feed if you don’t feel like checking back every day.  Until next time.

Rantables #62 – TLC and a Few More Things

Before I talk about TLC and the way it’s shaping up, I’d like to announce that it is a very sad day, indeed.  Yes, folks, one of the greatest in-ring competitors of all time is retiring from in-ring action.  So let us all bid a fond farewell to Armando Estrada, who will be wrestling his very last match soon.  On a more serious note, Estrada was one of a dying breed: a true manager who actually worked with his managee (in his case, Umaga, who I still believe was one of WWE’s biggest (no pun intended) losses over the past year) and was able to get a crowd hot with just a few words.  There aren’t many people who can do that anymore.  Well, there’s Vickie Guerrero, but that’s mostly because people hate the sound of her voice.  And I’m guessing that with the way Smackdown went, we won’t be seeing her as a manager anymore.  And I’m also betting we won’t be seeing Eric Essssssssssscobar anymore, either.  Good.  WWE finally had some common sense knocked into their tiny brains and took a guy with no entertainment value whatsoever off TV.  That’s the hope, anyway.

I think I’ve been away for too long, because there are a ton of little things that need to be discussed.  And no, I’m not making a joke about the whole DX/Hornswoggle fiasco, which apparently was supposed to have an entire segment on Raw tonight, but that never happened.  Thanks to the IWC for breaking the story a couple of days ago about WWE renting out a Baltimore courthouse and planning to have an entire courtroom filled with midgets.  I’m actually thanking them, because this probably would have been a terrible idea.  Moreso because it would probably cause a huge backlash within the midget and dwarf community.  And I’m not going to refer to them by their “politically correct” term, because it sounds even more demeaning (to me, anyway) than midgets and dwarfs.  Just call them what they are.  Don’t pussyfoot around it.  Anyway, they had Verne Troyer on as the guest host of Raw, so they got their one tiny guy on the show.  And to be honest, Verne looked pretty bad.  He does not appear to be in the best of health.  He was sitting for nearly all of the segments he was involved in, and his head looked huge in relation to the rest of his body.  And seeing him next to Big Show and Mark Henry at different points in the broadcast only accentuated his height.  Nevertheless, he was involved in a hilarious segment where Mark Henry accidentally crushed Jillian Hall while dancing.  Maybe that’ll get her off TV for a while.

Which brings me to Luke Gallows.  You all remember Festus, right?  One half of a hilarious gimmick tag team that, unfortunately, was their downfall?  Jesse became a white rapper for about a month, and subsequently disappeared from television altogether, and Festus, after lingering on Raw for a couple of weeks, disappeared from TV entirely, only to emerge last Friday alongside CM Punk as the repackaged Luke Gallows.  He’s got a goatee and a skull cap and camo shorts, so he MUST be a heel.  Seriously, did Creative just toss darts at the “heel cliche” dart board and come up with that outfit?  Well, at least he’s back on TV.  I really enjoyed his matches with Jesse.  I saw actual potential for Gallows back then, and hopefully, as Punk’s new enforcer, he’ll get more time on TV, helping Punk climb back to the top of Smackdown.  The character is cliche as hell, but I’m hoping that the man behind the persona will rise above it and show that he’s got the talent to run with the big boys.

Still on Smackdown, it’s been reported that Jim Ross has yet to sign a new contract with WWE, and his current one is about to expire.  Ross is still recovering from a Bell’s Palsy attack, which has put him on the sidelines for the past couple of months, and likely will keep him out for a while longer.  I don’t want to sound selfish, but if he were to end up leaving WWE for good, it would be a major blow to the WWE announce teams.  JR has been the voice of WWE for so long, it is difficult to imagine never hearing him call a show again.  I am in full support of Matt Striker, and I believe he is the wave of the future for announcers, but nobody will ever be able to replace JR.  I wish him all the best and a speedy recovery.  Every single WWE fan misses you and your voice.  Come back soon.  And if you do decide to retire, I will accept that and say thank you for entertaining millions of people for more than two decades.

I suppose I should go ahead and talk about TLC.  Last week, I railed WWE Creative for their absurd and idiotic decision to make Sheamus the #1 Contender for the WWE Championship.  And I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only one who has such strong opinions on the pasty man.  Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been listening to the Pro Wrestling Rewind, which has been broadcasting through Wrestleview.com for many years now.  I used to listen to it every week, but life became too busy to listen to it on a regular basis, so I ended up not listening to it for quite a while.  Then, when I heard that Mike Siciliano had taken over as the new cohost of the show, I had to tune in.  And let me tell you, Mike and Andy Knowles have formed a fantastic team.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m pimping their show out, but it’s definitely more entertaining than it’s ever been.  And (to get back to my original point), I was so glad to hear that The Power himself, Andy Knowles, has the exact same opinion of one Mr. Sheamus as I do.  And what made this past week’s episode all the better was finding out that I’m not the only person with such strong negative opinions of one Jack Swagger, as The King of All Italy has proven that he is the best columnist on Wrestleview by tearing Swagger a new asshole.  I have a new-found respect for both Knowles and Siciliano.  Yes, I respect them more simply because they share my opinions, but what else do you have when you know these people solely through the Internet?  Anyway, these two guys have reinvigorated the Rewind, and if you don’t listen to it, do yourself a favor and go listen to it!

I sure went on a tangent there, huh?  Back to TLC.  We’ve got Cena vs. Shame-us in a Tables match, and I have this sick little thought in the back of my mind that Creative is going to have Cena lose.  I said it last week, and I’ll say it again (though slightly modified): if Cena loses the WWE Title to a guy who hasn’t even been on TV a year, I’m boycotting Raw until someone takes the belt off the porcelain Irishman.  I hope (and I’m echoing Andy Knowles’ sentiments here) that this match is here simply to have somebody smack Sheamus around a bit and make him realize that he isn’t the greatest thing since Sliced Bread #2.  He’s just a big, clumsy oaf who can’t put two moves together.  Like nearly every other rookie who’s come out of FCW this year.  I will say one positive thing about Sheamus though: his entrance music is awesome.

You know, I just realized that this is the first Raw in a while where Swagger was not present during the entire broadcast.  What a relief.

Anyway, we’ve also got Batista vs. Taker in a Steel Chair match.  What exactly this means is beyond me.  Does it mean that JUST chairs are legal?  Or does it mean that everything is legal, but there will be an abundance of chairs laying around the ring for easy access?  Or is it a Steel Chair on a Pole match?  Creative, take this under advisement: when you announce a match with vague implications, it’s best to explain what the hell it means instead of leaving the fans in the dark until the match takes place.  Okay?  Good, I’m glad we had this little talk.  Anyway, it’s Batista vs. Taker yet again.  I was not a fan of their matches back in 2007, and I doubt that they’ll be putting on a good show at TLC.  Taker is hurting badly.  If you can’t see that, you need to get your eyes checked.  He’s been put in multi-man matches over the last few months so the other guys can carry the match and have Taker swoop in at the end and win.  He isn’t going to last past Wrestlemania 26.  I don’t approve of putting the World Heavyweight Championship back on Batista, since his heel turn has proved to be less entertaining than originally hoped.  Mostly, he just stands around and doesn’t speak.  Which usually is a good thing.  But it isn’t good television.  What I’m hoping for is for Jericho to swoop in either sometime between PPV shows or at the Royal Rumble and win the title from Taker, only to have Edge return (as a face) and set up an Edge/Jericho match at Wrestlemania 26.  That would be sweet.

And speaking of Jericho, he and Show are in a TLC match against DX in two weeks.  On paper, it sounds kinda “meh,” but it’ll probably be a good match.  I would bet it’s going to end the show, and we’re going to have new Tag Team Champions.  Creative has been teasing the end of JeriShow for months now, and the end seems so very near for the best tag team of 2009.  Jericho needs to lose the tag straps so he can pursue Taker and win the title soon, so he can establish his championship reign before Edge comes back and takes what’s rightfully his.

Can you believe that, after TLC, we’re getting SEVEN weeks without a WWE PPV event?  They’re finally giving the fans a break.  We don’t have to shell out our money again until the end of January.  Not that I actually purchase their PPVs anyway.  I would be asking for my money back more often than not.  Still, it’s good that they’re taking a break to (hopefully) allow storylines to build and get the fans riled up for the first big show of 2010.  I would imagine that with seven weeks to prepare, there are going to be some damn good matches in store for us at the Rumble.

Well, that’s about all I’ve got to say for now.  Be sure to stay tuned, because next month, I’ll be giving out my First Annual Golden Rantie Awards, as well as my 2010 Predictions, wherein I will attempt to prophesize what happens in WWE over the next calendar year.  Or, at least what I HOPE will happen next year.  I might also try to put up MY Dream Tournament and have you vote on who you think should win.  Until then, stay awesome.  I’ll see you later.

Rantables #61 – Hypocrisy Reigns Supreme

Fair warning: Copious swearing to follow.  You have been warned.

Survivor Series results are going to be quick and dirty tonight, because there is a much bigger issue I must discuss at great length.  Survivor Series was a pretty big disappointment overall.  The only halfway decent match was the World Heavyweight Championship match, which isn’t something I expected to say.  The entire show, despite being the most well-planned out PPV of the year, felt as though the entire show had been written five minutes before they were supposed to go on the air.  The entire show felt very slapdash.  Let’s just go through the results now.

Team Miz defeated Team Morrison (Miz, Sheamus, and McIntyre were the sole survivors)

So much bullshit in this match right from the start.  Ziggler, the ONLY talented guy on Team Miz, is the very first guy eliminated, then Bourne gets knocked off by the incredibly unentertaining Drew McIntyre.  Finlay gets eliminated after OEN MOVE (which is another thing I feel I’m going to have to rant about in the near future).  The most satisfying moment of the match came when Morrison eliminated Swagger.  Shelton and Hardy get kicked off, and goddamned Sheamus wins the match for Team Miz.  During the match, that same Irish ghostman managed to give referee Scott Armstrong a concussion when Sheamus smashed his knee into the back of Armstrong’s head during a brawl.  Now, I’ve been very critical of Armstrong’s work as a ref.  But I don’t feel as though anybody should be injured during a match.  Well, except Swagger.  Anyway, quite a poor way to begin a show.

Batista defeated Rey Mysterio

Word is Mysterio needs knee surgery yet again, so instead of drawing this feud out, they just ended it right here, and made Batista destroy Mysterio just so they could write him off TV as soon as possible.  Still, the match was pretty bad in and of itself.  I’m not going to blame Mysterio’s knee problems for that, but usually he’s able to put people over a lot better than he did with Batista last night.  And to top it off, I start the PPV 0 for 2 in picks.

Team Kingston defeated Team Orton (Kofi Kingston was the sole survivor)

I was expecting this match to come down to Kofi vs. Orton at the end, but I wasn’t expecting their encounter to last four seconds.  All of the men besides Orton, Kofi, and CM Punk were eliminated far too quickly, leaving Punk to work over Kofi for what felt like forever.  And it wasn’t even interesting to watch.  I was expecting Mark Henry to be more important, but he was a non-factor.  Not the greatest of ways to continue the maturation of the Kingston/Orton feud.

Undertaker retains the World Heavyweight Championship over Chris Jericho and Big Show

Sadly, this was the best match on the card, and also the shortest.  These three really clicked last night.  Jericho played his part perfectly, and Taker did a good job of staying with everything despite his ailing body.  Show was Show, but at least he helped make Taker look good.  I’ll hand it to these three: they helped drag this PPV from the worst show of the year to the second-worst (behind Summerslam).

Team Mickie defeated Team Michelle (Mickie James and Melina were the sole survivors)

Much like Mark Henry in the prior elimination match, Beth Phoenix was a non-factor in this match, eliminated very early on so that the chances of Team Mickie were not zero.  Without Beth, team Michelle was pretty pathetic.  On another note, i will never understand why Gail Kim continues to be utterly buried to death (no pun intended) on WWE programming.  She was the top of the Knockouts division.  She’s a punching bag on Raw.  It’s pathetic.  She should have won a title already.  She’s probably the most polished and talented woman in WWE right now (save maybe Natalya), yet she’s at the bottom of the pecking order.  What gives?  Is it just politics that’s keeping her down week after week?  Sure, she’s making more money to lose every week, but when you’re the company’s punching bag, is it worth the cash?  Anyway, 2 for 5 in picks.

John Cena retains the WWE Championship over HHH and Shawn Michaels

Don’t you love that when Michaels superkicked HHH at the very beginning of the match, the crowd went nuts for it, but when HHH puts Shawn through a table, they boo HHH out of the building?  Double standard much, crowd?  Anyway, this was standard fare from all three competitors.  They worked about two and a half standard matches during the course of this triple threat, had the requisite announcer table spot, and a copious amount of submission holds.  Cena retains.  No surprise there.

So I was .500 in picks.  Nothing to cheer about.

Now, on to the elephant turd in the punchbowl.  It angers me to no end how WWE Creative just yanks our (the fans’) chains around and toys with our emotions like the don’t give a shit.  You bring out Jesse “The Body” Ventura for a three-hour Raw and have him be the mouthpiece of the people, proclaiming that the next challenger for the World Championship (note how he purposefully keeps it ambiguous as to WHICH championship he’s referring to) would be someone who’s never had a World Title shot before.  He confronts Randy Orton and tells him that he doesn’t get another shot at Cena.  He tells us that there will be qualifying matches featuring men who have never received a World Title shot, and the winners of those matches would go on to a “Breakthrough Battle Royal” and the winner of that would be the #1 Contender.  Kofi wins, Sheamus wins (more on this idiot later), MVP, Mark Henry, and R-Truth move on in a 6-man tag match, Legacy wins in a tag match, and that’s seven guys.  Then, in what I was expecting to be Evan Bourne vs. Drew McIntyre, we get Bourne vs. Primo.  Only, Orton comes out, tosses Primo off the entrance ramp, and yells at the ref to start the match.  Then Ventura appears on the Titantron and lets Orton be in the match because “He was persistent.”  I’m sorry, Ventura, but you just lost all credibility when you let Orton cheat his way into yet another title reign.  And it made Creative lose nearly all of what little credibility it had left.  I was expecting a new face to FINALLY arrive in the main event scene, and now you’re saying that it was all a tease and Orton’s in the match anyway?  You fucking hypocrites.  You make it seem like, after so many months of the same four names in the main event on Raw, you’re actually listening to the fans and giving us something WE want instead of something Vince wants.  Then you yank the carpet from under our feet by saying, “Oh, we were just kidding.  Orton’s got a chance.”

But instead of having Orton win, we get an even LESS deserving #1 Contender for the WWE Championship.  Kofi eliminated Orton, which was no surprise, but I would have preferred it either to happen at the beginning of the match or be the final elimination.  Instead, we get Kofi eliminating Orton, then turning around and SHEAMUS knock Kofi out and win.  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  This guy is the second-least deserving guy to get a WWE Title shot (behind Swagger.  He hasn’t even been part of the main roster for five months yet, and he’s already getting a WWE Title shot.  What does this say to all the guys who have (A) actual talent and (B) paid their dues?  It says, “It doesn’t matter if you have talent or paid your dues, because all that matters in the WWE is if you have a bodybuilder’s physique.  We don’t care if you’re a clumsy, bulbous, musclebound idiot who seems to hurt people everywhere he goes, including concussing a referee, because you have a great body.  We don’t care if you have the charisma of a block of wood and the in-ring ability of Jackie Gayda, because as long as you look like you were chiseled out of granite, you’ll always win.”  Guys like MVP, Ron Killings, and especially Kof Kingston should be furious that this musclehead who can’t put two moves together without requiring a rest hold in-between is getting a WWE Title shot against John Cena at a PPV event.  Well, if I was one of them I’d be pissed off.  Hell, they even passed up Legacy for this title match, and a lot of IWC bloggers are saying that the next world champion is going to be Ted Dibiase (I respectfully disagree, but to each his own).  This is a travesty of the highest degree, and if I was a WWE writer, I’d be embarassed.  WWE programming has been awful the last couple of months, and I’m getting sick of the same old shit every week.  Ventura is talking so much about the wave of the future, yet DX beats the Hart Dynasty.  Hypocrisy, thy name is WWE.  I’m giving them until the end of the year to get their shit together, and if they don’t, I’m going to stop watching their shows.  I’ll still do my end-of-the-year awards show, but rest assured it’s going to be written with an air of cynicism if any more stupidity occurs (like if Sheamus wins the WWE Title).

I have only enjoyed two things the past few weeks involving WWE.  One was Evan Bourne stopping Hack Swagger’s winning streak a couple of weeks ago.  The other was an exchange between Chris Jericho and a random fan at Survivor Series last night.

Random fan: “Go back to Toronto!”

Jericho: “I’m from Winnipeg, you idiot!”

That cracked me up for a while.  Reminded me of a moment at The Bash (I’m sure this didn’t make it to air) where one random fan yelled at Primo during the tag team title match, “Go back to Mexico!” and someone corrected him that he was from Puerto Rico, so he corrected himself very loudly.  It was hilarious.

You know what I think the problem with all these new guys is?  I think they’re being coddled by the trainers.  I don’t think the training is as rigorous as it used to be.  They probably don’t have to take as many bumps as guys who were trained even five years ago.  It just goes along with the fact that only the big, bulky guys get the big pushes.  They’re trained to just dominate matches, never really learn to sell or take a bump, and stick to a small moveset so that they never screw up a move they’ve never used before.  And when they DO have to do something outside their comfort zone, they stall and end up looking awful.  Like Sheamus in the battle royal on Raw.  He sat in the corner for what seemed like an eternity, almost as though he was counting the seconds down until he was supposed to eliminate R-Truth.  It’s as though they have a plan in their heads, and they have this notion that they can’t deviate from it one bit or there will be dire consequences.  I like to call this “Swagger Tactics,” as Swagger was the first new guy to really have this mindset of never deviating from how a match is supposed to work.  It just ends up for very dull matches.  If you have a heel control the face and never give the face any hope spots until the end of the match, it weakens the heel’s character.  Why doesn’t anybody understand this?

Here is one thing I pray WWE writers do before the year is over and I (likely) boycott WWE programming: I would like to see more character development.  I would especially like to see some character backstory.  I want to know why Kofi impersonated a Jamaican for over a year.  I want to know WHY CM Punk is straight-edge.  I want to know what motivates these guys to act the way they do besides the fact that the’re good or bad.  I’m not asking for much.  This is standard fare in most D&D campaigns, one of which I’m running and I’m asking my players to write backstories for their characters (yes, I’m a huge nerd, get over it).  Coming up with a halfway decent backstory is not a difficult task!  Just make these caricatures into real people and I’ll be interested again.

There.  I’ve written 2,100 more words about why I hate WWE.  I feel like I’ve been doing that for quite a while.  It kind of makes me wonder why I even bother watching their shows anymore.  At least, that was my mindset before I set this ultimatum for WWE Creative.  I’m giving them until the end of the year to get their act together and stop making stupid decisions.  If they can’t, I’m boycotting their product.  Which, sadly, will likely mean the end of this blog, but hey, I’m tired of writing nothing but negativity.

Okay, I’ll end this column on a positive note.  I forgot one other thing I enjoyed.  I really loved the pie segment, mostly because Santino knocked a pie into Vickie Guerrero’s face.  That was immensely satisfying.  I’ll see you all next time.

Rantables #60 – Survivor Series Picks

Before I get to picks for Survivor Series, I would just like to get one gripe off my chest that’s been bothering me for years.  Why can’t the three ring announcers actually agree on billed weights for wrestlers?  I’ll give you a very quick example: this week, on Raw, Jericho and Show were billed at 711 pounds combined.  On Smackdown, taped ONE DAY LATER, their combined weight was 705 pounds.  How on earth can these guys lose so much weight in less than a day?  I really wish that the announcers, when having to announce a wrestler who appears on more than one brand for whatever reason, would write up a list of every performer’s billed weight and just announce it that way.  When you’ve got these insane weight fluctuations, it makes me (for one) think that it’s all just a bunch of bullshit.  Which it is, in reality.  There is no way on earth that Yoshi Tatsu weighs more than Zack Ryder, for example.  Anyway, they should get the billed weights the same across all three brands, so as to not make it sound like somebody mysteriously gained five pounds overnight.

Okay, now that that’s over, let’s do some picks.

Team Mickie (Mickie James, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Divas Champion Melina) vs. Team Michelle (Womens Champion Michelle McCool, Jillian Hall, Beth Phoenix, Layla, and Alicia Fox)

Firstly, if you’re going to have a women’s elimination match, at least have the captains both be champions.  Have it be Team Melina vs. Team Michelle.  Yes, I know that Mickie and Michelle are feuding on Smackdown right now, but relegating a champion to being just a part of someone else’s team seems insulting to the title holder (see also: Christian).  I also don’t understand why Michelle’s team doesn’t have Natalya.  She is far, FAR beyond the talent level of Jillian, Layla, and Alicia.  With Natalya and Beth, that team would basically be unstoppable.  As it stands now, Team Michelle is merely dominant, specifically because of Beth Phoenix.  And she’s going to be the difference maker in this match.  I would actually like to see the match boil down to Team Mickie vs. Beth Phoenix, and then watch Beth destroy the opposing team and win the match.  As it stands, she’ll probably just crush the competition anyway.  Team Michelle wins, and we can move on from this silly feud where cutting up clothes and calling someone a pig are the worst things you could possibly think of.

Team Morrison (Intercontinental Champion John Morrison, Matt Hardy, Finlay, Evan Bourne, and Shelton Benjamin) vs. Team Miz (US Champion The Miz, Shame-us, Dolph Ziggler, Drew McIntiredofhimalready, and Hack Swagger)

Ah, the “Wave of the Future” elimination match.  Well, sort of, anyway.  I would bet that you noticed that I made a few creative changes to several names on this list.  It’s to signify my opinions on the performers in question.  It’s as though I’m trying to say, “You don’t deserve to be famous.  At all.  Ever.”  Those three guys on Miz’s team are such a waste of space I don’t even want to discuss them anymore.  So I won’t.  I think that what this match will come down to is, as usual, the veterans.  And with Finlay, Hardy, and Benjamin on his team, I would bet that John Morrison’s got the definite advantage.  Sure, Miz’s team is larger and less talented, but Morrison’s got guys who are actually entertaining to watch!  The Miz/Morrison feud has got a long way to go before it’s done, though, so since Miz won last month, Team Morrison wins on Sunday.  Also, I hate 3/5 of Miz’s team.

Team Kofi (Kofi Kingston, MVP, Mark Henry, R-Truth, and ECW Champion Christian) vs. Team Orton (Randy Orton, Cody Rhodes, Ted Dibiase, CM Punk, and William Regal)

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.  CM Punk is a 3-time World Heavyweight Champion.  Now, he’s getting cigarettes and booze dumped on his face by R-Truth and is relegated to being a part of someone else’s Survivor Series team.  I also don’t approve of Christian, another champion, being on someone else’s team.  Sure, having him in the match with Regal makes perfect sense.  But why not take someone else, like Yoshi Tatsu, and stick him on Kofi’s team?  And then have an ECW Title match on the card?  Whatever.  This will be the best elimination match of the show by far, because it’s going to get Kofi pushed to the next level of competition.  Unlike the other two matches, there is no guarantee that one team will gain a major advantage over the other.  Kofi has Mark Henry, sure, but Orton’s team is crafty and loves to break the rules whenever possible.  But, when everything is said and done, Team Kofi will pick up the victory and push Kingston closer to that main event status.  Meanwhile, Randy Orton will probably continue his downward spiral and let Dibiase and Rhodes take the helm for a while.

Batista vs. Rey Mysterio

Heel Batista is preferable to face Batista, but it’s still just Batista.  He was never a great performer, whether you’re talking about inside the ring or on the mic.  But the one thing that Rey always does is make his opponent look like a million bucks.  I’ve always said that a match they had a couple of years back was, by far, the best match with Batista involved I’ve ever seen, simply because Rey can make Batista actually look like the monster Vince thinks he’s been all this time.  Rey’s work and selling are second to none, and he’ll make Batista look a hell of a lot better than Batista really is.  But what are we going to see in Rey?  Is he going to show us a new side of him?  We saw him embarass Batista two weeks ago at their contract signing, and then again last Friday night when he showed how much of a clumsy oaf Batista really is.  Maybe it’s time for a more aggressive Rey Mysterio to emerge from the child-friendly shell.  He can still be a face, obviously, but not just a pussy face (I know, that sounded dirty as hell, but you get my meaning anyway).  I would hope that WWE Creative is looking towards the future with this feud instead of the present.  Batista chasing after a win over Mysterio will be more entertaining than Dave just getting the win on Sunday and ending the feud prematurely.  So I’m going to say that Rey Mysterio wins, and continues to taunt Batista for months on end.

World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match – The Undertaker (c) vs. The Big Show vs. Chris Jericho

Until the very end of Smackdown last night, I was actually leaning towards Jericho upsetting both men and walking away with the World Title.  But with his strange actions yesterday, those feelings have been put in serious doubt.  Whenever someone steals a title, he usually won’t be winning it anytime soon.  And Show will never be a world champion again, that’s for sure.  His best days are well past him.  Taker’s being coddled right now, as is apparent from the many tag team and multi-man matches he’s been involved in since winning the World Title.  We all know he won’t be around much longer, so Vince is trying to keep him safe until Wrestlemania 26, when he’ll likely face John Cena.  Let’s face it, Taker’s actions on Monday night were just the beginning.  Hell, maybe we’ll even see a Cena heel turn as he aligns himself with the Chairman of the Board, a la Stone Cold back in the day.  It would definitely put asses in seats.  Anyway, with what happened Friday night in the books, I have to believe that The Undertaker wins and retains his title.  It’s just logical.

WWE Championship Triple Threat Match – John Cena (c) vs. HHH vs. Shawn Michaels

Guh…how dull of a main event this is going to be.  I, for one, have seen enough HHH in title matches for my lifetime.  So he’s out.  And HBK ain’t no spring chicken, so he’s out.  So is this match just going to be a vehicle to the break-up of DX?  Is this a vehicle for one of those two to turn heel?  Quite possibly, yes.  I’m just really bored of the WWE product right now.  Smackdown has been pretty bad the last month, and Raw’s not that much better.  I’m not really expecting this to be a great match, or really even a good match.  Im expecting your typical HHH and HBK match with a little Cena sprinkled in, and Cena retaining the title.

There you go.  My picks for Survivor Series.  Now, I’ve got to run, because I’ve got a D&D campaign to prepare for and two new games to unwrap and play like crasy.  Yep, I’m a huge nerd.  See you next time.

Rantables #59 – A Variety of Topics, Part 2

Well, I said I’d be back with the second half of my bevy of topicry, so here you go!

The first two items I have to discuss are connected.  First off, the past few WWE PPV shows have had very fre championship matches.  Now, I don’t necessarily want every PPV to be Night of Champions, because some feuds would benefit greatly from a PPV match (Kofi/Orton, for example).  But just two title matches on one of the Big Four?  You’re depriving people who pay their hard-earned cash to buy a ticket.  I know that Survivor Series is unique in its format, and there will always be elimination matches involved, but even if you have three elimination matches (as they have this year), that’s no excuse to have just two title matches.  I’m especially disappointed that the ECW Championship hasn’t been defended at a Pay-Per-View since Breaking Point.  That was two months ago.  Yes, there have been two ECW Title matches in the meantime on their weekly broadcast, but when you exclude the third world championship from a PPV show, it says to me that WWE Creative doesn’t think the ECW Championship is important enough to defend on a PPV.  Most people believe it has the same amount of prestige as the Intercontinental or US Titles, and the way Creative has been treating it, I’d have to agree.  Sure, the two ECW Title matches were very good (including Yoshi Tatsu’s breakout match against Christian and a great match in England that honestly went about four minutes too long), but what does that say about the confidence Creative has in their champion and his challengers?  I would think Tatsu has earned a spot on a PPV with his title match against Christian a few weeks ago, and Regal always deserves a spot.

Here’s how I think the WWE Creative meeting went the night after Summerslam: “Okay, we gave the fans an ECW Title match.  And it was awesome!  Christian catches Regal with his robe over his head and beats him in nine seconds after this huge feud!  It’s hilarious!  But the fans didn’t like it.  So instead of giving them what they want, which would be a real match between the two, we’re just going to stop having ECW Title matches on PPVs.  The fans obviously don’t want to see it if they’re saying how bad the match was.”  Followed by some “Hur dur dur” noises and grunts of approval.  I know I’m being really harsh, but damnit, give Christian some respect!

On a similar note, I also don’t approve of the multitude of title matches that has been going on during the past couple of weeks in order to “make up” for only having two title matches at Survivor Series.  But you know what?  We all already figured out that none of the titles were going to change hands.  It was pathetically obvious that neither Morrison nor Miz would lose their titles, as their feud is (hopefully) far from over.  Having one of them lose and the other retain would make the loser look terrible, and basically forecast who was going to win.  But why bother having title matches if everybody knows it’s pointless?  Jericho and Show aren’t going to lose the tag titles before Survivor Series.  Melina isn’t going to lose her title.  Why not just give us the title matches at the PPV show?  Or just wait until the next show?  You don’t have to have title matches every three weeks!  (I realize I am basically contradicting myself here, but keep in mind that I think that SOME titles should be defended at each PPV.  Just rotate which ones get defended when, and nobody will be dissatisfied)  When you make the decisions this obvious, it takes away from the product as a whole and makes you wonder why you put up with so much crap all the time.

Okay, time for a couple of quick picks.  First off, I will hate the new Raw theme song until they change it.  Papa Roach wasn’t necessarily a good choice for the last theme song, but at least the song was upbeat.  Nickelback is one of the most pretentious bands on the face of the planet, and I have less than zero respect for them.  Having to listen to their shitty “music” every week is torture for me.  They don’t deserve to be famous.  I’ll just have to start fast-forwarding through the intro now.

#2 – White guys with shaved heads look like serial killers, plain and simple.  Randy Orton, Kurt Angle, Dave Batista.  Shaving your head doesn’t make you look manlier.  It makes you look like a goddamn psychopath.  Let your hair grow out.  I don’t care if you’re balding and you want to hide it.  A white man with even a wisp of hair looks more sane than a white man with a shaved head.  Unless you look like this guy. And yes, that IS a dude.  Just barely, it appears.

And now, for the big topic of the day, one I’ve been wanting to rant about for a long time.  I have had it with the absolutely abhorrent camera work of World Wrestling Entertainment.  Their copious quick cuts, their “too close for comfort” shots, and the biggest offense, the “multiple quick pans that attempt to show action but just make you queasy.”  I am so goddamned sick and tired of these “techniques.”  They’re used to obscure what little action is really going on inside and outside a WWE ring.  The cameras never focus on one spot at a time, and they never keep the cameras steady.  I do realize that trying to follow the action of a wrestling match isn’t the easiest job in the world, but at least give us a picture we can focus on instead of jerking the camera up and down when one guy is punching another guy into the ground.  Capture the whole image, not just a tiny piece of the whole.  This is why so many WWE cameramen get hit and we get shitty angles: because they’re too close to the action.  We (the viewers at home) don’t need to feel like we’re RIGHT THERE IN THE THICK OF IT.  I don’t need a close-up of HHH’s back every time he goes outside the ring to pummel some poor, helpess young star just trying to catch a break.  What I want to see if a well-captured picture of the entire frame of action.  Is that so difficult to achieve?  I highly doubt it.  Ring of Honor manages to get all the action without crowding the wrestlers, and all their cameramen are young people using these little hand cams.  They don’t always get the best angle of action, but they don’t crowd the wrestlers and show us half of what happens.  And when somebody’s pummeling someone else outside the ring, they DON’T JERK THE CAMERA AROUND!  That, and the fact that the wrestlers are just better overall, is why I’m starting to watch more ROH.  I finally finished watching Punk: The Final Chapter, and it did cause me to gain a tremendous amount of respect for one Colt Cabana.  I also watched his return match at the 7th Anniversary Show, and he’s probably the most entertaining guy on the roster.  I fully believe that WWE completely screwed him over.  If I had to pick a guy to say he was a wrestling role model, it’d be him.  And I’m not just saying this because he’s a friend on Facebook.  The guy is genuinely entertaining.  I just wish he’d take his stand-up comedy on the road to, oh, I don’t know, say California?

Okay, that’s it for me today.  I’ll be back probably on Saturday for Survivor Series picks.  Until then, keep avoiding any news you hear about Hulk Hogan.  His entire life is just one big publicity stunt.  If you ignore him, eventually he’ll go away.  See you next time.

Rantables #58 – A Variety of Topics

(Extra note: I’ve been trying to get this column up for several hours.  Thanks to Comcast for an internet connection that’s more unreliable than Joe Biden’s brain.)

It’s been over two weeks since I last wrote here.  My apologies for not keeping up to date with my rantings and ravings.  But now that I find myself with a little extra time tonight, I figure I might as well cover a few topics I’ve been meaning to write about for a while.  I doubt I’ll get through all ten topics, so I’ll just go through half today and do the other half another day, probably before I do Survivor Series picks.

The first bit I’d like to discuss is this whole story about Jamie Noble’s “retirement.”  I would first like to go on record and say that taking that ugly powerbomb from Sheamus on the floor probably would have retired quite a few people.  I don’t think Sheamus tried to put Noble down easy.  It looked like there was a lot of force behind that move.  I actually thought Noble might have broken his back the way he looked afterward.  I thought that it was incredibly irresponsible for WWE to let a guy like Sheamus do such a thing to a guy like Jamie Noble.  Then this whole retirement bullshit comes out and I just shake my head.  Noble is 32 years old.  Why on earth would he retire now?  There are guys 10 years his senior still having great matches.  Look, we all know that this is an angle, and he’s either going to stay “retired” and work backstage, or have a comeback sometime in the future and exact his revenge on the big lug who put him on the shelf.  Noble shouldn’t be treated like this.  He’s a former ROH World Champion.  Yes, he had the shortest title reign of any ROH World Champion, but still!  When you’re one of eleven men to ever hold a promotion’s world championship, and the promotion has been around for nearly eight years, you should definitely take pride in that.

And speaking of the big lug who put Jamie Noble on the shelf, I’d like to discuss the current state of young wrestlers on the main WWE roster.  I’m afraid that the current crop of FCW trainers (Billy Kidman, Norman Smiley, Tom Prichard, and Steve Keirn) are doing a poor job at best of preparing new talents for the main roster, and are, in general, a poor judge of talent in the first place.  At this time, I’d like to refer to a list of all the men who have held the FCW Championship.  Five out of the eight wrestlers who have held the FCW Championship are currently on the main WWE roster somewhere.  Jake Hager (or, to those who don’t know wrestlers’ real names, Hack Swagger), Sheamus, Eric Escobar, Drew McIntyre, and Tyler Reks.  Two on Raw, two on Smackdown, one on ECW, all incredibly poor wrestlers in every sense.  None of them has any knowledge of wrestling psychology, none of them have any real charisma, and none of them have a lick of mic skills.  I don’t know if the trainers are to blame for not training these guys properly, or if the trainers just don’t see that they don’t have the talent, or if it’s Vince, who we all know prefers his wrestlers big and bulky and could care less about actual in-ring and mic talent.  Every one of the five listed wrestlers I know will, one day, become a world champion in WWE specifically because VKM wants those big, burly, muscleheads to be the winners, and the guys who can actually put two moves together and tell a story in the ring will always be the losers.  Which is why so few of the indy wrestlers have succeeded in working their way past the mid-card in WWE.  CM Punk should consider himself incredibly lucky that he’s made it this far.

Anyway, my original point is that the current crop of rookies and young wrestlers is pitifully bad right now.  The only real exceptions to this are Evan Bourne, Tyson Kidd, and Yoshi Tatsu.  But then again, they’re the only “smaller” guys in this group.  I know that a lot of you are going to say, “But these guys are all young!  They haven’t had as much experience on the big stage as everyone else, even the guys who came up to the main roster a year before them!  Give them some time!”  Look, I’m all for giving people time to improve their skills.  But even the previous crop of talent (Kofi, Miz, Rhodes, Kozlov, Ziggler) were worlds ahead of these guys when they made their respective debuts.  I would chalk it up to these guys (mostly) being smaller than the current crop, but that would sound size-ist.  Which is funny considering I’m a big fat guy myself.  But I’d much rather watch a fun, competitive match between guys like John Morrison and Evan Bourne than watch two lumbering giants like Escobar and Swagger muck up the ring every week.

On the plus side, Evan Bourne did break Swagger’s winning streak, proving once again that nothing anybody ever says in WWE should be taken seriously.  Swagger, of course, went ahead and tore Bourne a new hole on Raw yesterday, which made me wonder why (1) Swagger even bothered to proclaim that he’d go undefeated for the rest of the calendar year, (2) why they even bothered to let Bourne win a match for once, and (3) why even have the match on Raw when it was just a two-minute squash.  In fact, it makes me wonder why have any of these 1-2 minute squashes in the first place.  I think the era of needing to build up a new guy isn’t necessary.  Just stick them right into the mix.  Have them work their way up from the bottom.  Put them in actual matches against the lower card guys like Primo and Jimmy Yang, guys who can sell like crazy and can make anybody look great.  But have the matches be competitive, and go AT LEAST 5 minutes.  I never feel like any squash match featuring a jobber from (insert hometown here) actually makes a new guy look strong.  It just shows you his limited moveset.  On the flip-side, I have been enjoying the Beth Phoenix squash matches, if only because the women put in her way actually have more talent then the lower card women on the Smackdown roster.  Girls like Maria and Layla can’t sell worth shit, but at least these female jobbers can.  Still, Beth doesn’t need any building up via squash matches.  Everybody already knows who she is.  And even if you never watched Raw while she was there, she wouldn’t need to prove herself in squash matches.  You just have to take one look at her and you know she’s gonna kick a lot of ass.

Okay, one more topic for today.  As you probably know, WWE did a tour of Europe the past couple of weeks, and the broadcast their shows from England.  All four shows were taped, I believe, in the same building in Sheffield, England.  I just want to mention one thing about all four television shows this past week.  What on earth was wrong with the mic setup in the ring?  Everything was so much quieter inside the ropes.  Every bump taken, every pinfall count, every taunt, scream, and angry rant, sounded muted.  As well, in-ring and backstage promos and entrance themes all sounded as though the sound was being recorded and broadcast from inside the arena instead of through a direct feed into the production truck.  I don’t know why that was the case all last week, but it made the entire production sound half-rate.  I’m a big critic of sound-based problems, and when something sounds off, it sounds REALLY off to me.  So that bothered me through all last week.

Well, I think I’ve given you your daily dose of ranting.  I’ll be back in a couple of days with the remainder of topics I’ve been meaning to rant about for the past two weeks, then later on this week with Survivor Series picks.  And be sure to check in near the end of the year when I give out my First Annual Rantie Awards, wherein I chastize many wrestlers and praise a few who actually deserve it.  And, and, AND!  I was privy to a tournament being held by the staff at Wrestleview about a “dream tournament” they’re trying to set up featuring the staff’s 32 favorite wrestlers, and I thought it would be neat if I did one of those myself.  Mostly because I had a chance to be on the Wrestleview staff as a columnist, but didn’t get the gig (probably because I wrote a scathing article last year on the fall of Chris Jericho, which I should have realized was a big no-no in the IWC).  So once I get my list all figured out, I’ll post the names and the brackets, and, if anybody still reads this, I can set up polls to ask people who they think should win the matches.  But that probably won’t be for a while.  Until next time!

Rantables #57 – The Final Mention

I’ve had enough.  I am completely sick and tired of all these supposed “news stories” flying around the internet about Hulk Hogan.  How he “has more power than Dixie Carter,” that he “has control of TNA,” and that “he might not even show up to the Impact Zone until 2010, at the end of the current football season.” (My emphasis)  And now he has the audacity to talk about how his WWE Hall of Fame ring is a piece of junk, worth maybe $20?  I have four words for you, sir: shut the fuck up!  And some more words: we all know that everything you’re doing in your life now is nothing more than a publicity stunt in order to keep yourself in the spotlight just a little bit longer and so you can make just a little more money so you can pay your lawyers and your alimony.  If you need money so badly, go pawn that Hall of Fame ring you hate so much.  Then take the money you get and shove it in your mouth so we don’t have to hear you talk again.

I mean really, you’re not even going to show up to TNA TV tapings until NEXT YEAR because you want to watch football?  Unless I’m horrifically mistaken, football takes place no more than four days a week.  High school games are on Fridays, college games are on Saturdays, and pro games are Sundays and Mondays.  Now, unless you have a vested interest in all three levels of play (read: gambling on all three), then you STILL don’t actually have to miss any time with TNA.  Worst case scenario: you can’t make the Monday tapings, but you CAN make the Tuesday tapings, so you can at least show up on screen every couple of weeks, and maybe a PPV.  Saying you’re not going to even show up for tapings for the next two months says to me that you’re basically not taking this contract seriously, and that you’re pretty well just doing this to bleed TNA dry.  I’m surprised more people haven’t just up and quit TNA yet.  Kaz almost did, and I hope he does.  He’s tremendously talented, and we all know that he’ll never go anywhere with Hogan running things, if that is, in fact, even close to the truth.  I don’t even know what to believe anymore.  Probably nothing Hogan says is true, anyway, and he’s just saying all this shit just so he can hog the spotlight a little more every day.  I’m sick of it, and I won’t be talking about it anymore until I report that TNA is shutting down thanks to Hogan bungling the whole company up.  I think Hogan needs to go watch The Wrestler a couple of times.

Now, on to more pleasant things.  Raw was pure awesome, if only because we had Ozzy Osbourne as the guest host!  I think that this was the biggest name WWE has gotten so far to host Raw.  You don’t get much bigger than the father of heavy metal.  And yes, I’m completely biased.  Ozzy is one of my favorite performers ever.  And he was hilarious tonight!  From his constant mumbling and his confusion as to who everybody was (constant “Who was that?” or “Who the bloody hell are you?” cracked me up), and his fear of the Big Show was just perfect.  The Raw’s Got Talent segment was stupid and pointless, but we did get Santino biting the head off of a bat…man.  And a Chris Masters pec dance to Crazy Train, which Sharon loved.  We also got a really fun US Title match between Miz and Evan Bourne, a great six-man tag match with Kofi, MVP and WSM beating Legacy.  Kofi is really taking off.  There aren’t many people who will make your first major main event feud better than Randy Orton, I can tell you that for sure.  Mostly because nobody else in the Raw main event scene is any good at putting anybody else over.  Well, except for Cena, of course.  So these two are going to have a hell of a feud.  I’m hoping for a “traditional Survivor Series elimination match” between these two, so they can let the feud blossom and strengthen over the next few weeks and months.  Maybe even a showdown at the Royal Rumble?  And we got a Triple Threat match between Cena, Jericho, and Show, which I couldn’t concentrate on because we had DX on commentary, with HHH pseudo-breaking kayfabe during the entire match and HBK just ranting about physics and probability and his degree from the University of Tanzania or wherever it was.  It seemed to drive a spike between Jericho and Show until DX hit the ring and Show decimated them both.  I actually have to give HHH credit: he took the best Codebreaker bump I’ve seen.  The way he took the move is how everybody should take it: drop to your knees as Jericho’s back hits the mat.  It looks way more devastating that way.

There is one major blemish on the show tonight, and that was the Sheamus vs. Noble rematch from last week.  I’m specifically talking about the powerbomb on the floor at the end of the whole affair.  Now, I don’t know this for sure, as I wasn’t at the show, but the way the cameras showed it, it definitely looked like Sheamus put an awful lot of force behind that powerbomb as he slammed Noble onto the ground.  Usually when you’re outside, you lighten your spots a little since there’s less padding and concrete instead of many layers of canvas and a big spring underneath you.  The way Sheamus slammed Noble, it looked like he thought he was in the ring.  I wouldn’t be surprised if he broke Noble’s back with that.  And you have to wonder (or at least I do) why Sheamus used so much force behind that move.  A very disturbing thought popped into my head after watching the move about three times: what if Vince wants to fire Noble, but wants to get out of it without losing money, so he sends his big Irish poltergeist out to injure Noble, then fire Noble because he’s badly injured and won’t be back in the ring for a year.  And since Noble isn’t a top draw like Edge, VKM won’t have any qualms about letting him go.  I wouldn’t even be surprised if they called his back injury a pre-existing condition before firing him.  It all really makes me wonder if it’s all worth it to one James Gibson.  Is it really worth it to get paid whatever WWE pays you just to get humiliated every week and then probably get severely injured by some noob wrestler who can’t even put two moves together?  It’s actually kind of a question for every wrestler (and even every fan who wants to be a wrestler): would you choose money over prestige?  Would you rather be the top dog of a company but only make a couple thousand dollars a month, or would you want to make a hundred thousand dollars a year to be on national TV for two minutes a week getting beat up by guys who outweigh you by 75 pounds and whose in-ring talen tlevel is 1/20th of your own?  James Gibson is a former ROH World Champion.  Jamie Noble is the laughingstock of the WWE, and his career is probably in jeopardy thanks to the Celtic Ghost Warrior, Sheamus.

I guess what I’m trying to ask is: would you rather be a medium-sized fish in a smallish pool, or would you rather be a krill in the Pacific Ocean?  A krill that makes more money in a year than the medium-sized fish would make in five, or maybe even ten years.  What are your thoughts?

Well, I was going to talk about yet another issue that’s been bothering me for quite some time, but I’ve written 1,300 words, and I don’t want to keep you any longer.  So I’ll save that for another time.  For now, I’ll say goodbye and I’ll see you next time.